A woman is convinced her new boyfriend is gay after hearing him speak to an “effeminate” man on the phone and then learning he knows his friends, ahem, size, so she’s writing to advice columnist Stoya over at Slate for help.
“I’m dating a man who admitted having sex with another man many years ago while on drugs,” the letter begins.
The woman, who only recently began dating again after getting divorced, says her boyfriend, now sober, insists the hookup was “a one-time-only thing,” but she has her suspicions.
“His stories conflict,” she writes. “He is kind and loving in every way. But he’s done several things that make me question him: He recently referred to a male friend’s penis size as ‘dead weight.’ How would he know that?”
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She continues, “Then, when watching a movie, he blurted out regarding a male actor: ‘He’s beautiful.’ Which is an odd way to describe another man.”
But it doesn’t stop there.
“Then, I received a phone call that I overheard (speakerphone) from a man asking in an effeminate voice ‘What do you need today?'” the woman adds. “He immediately ended the call and acted upset.”
She continues, “Finally, when we visited a city with a very large gay population, he knew the gay neighborhood … well. This actually happened in two cities, one of which he lived in while married and separated.”
All of this has her wondering: Is her boyfriend a closeted homosexual?
“I believe I’ve answered these questions myself, just in asking,” she concludes.
In her response, Stoya struggles with how to answer the woman’s letter.
“I’m not sure what questions you’re asking, so I’m relieved to hear that you believe you’ve answered them yourself,” she writes. “While you’re here, though, I’ll give you my thoughts.”
She goes on to say the woman sounds “really hung up on this” and that maybe she needs to take a deep breath and relax for a second.
“I don’t think you have a smoking gun that this man is gay,” she writes, “but I also suspect you conceive of gay and straight as a binary situation.”
“Really, it’s a spectrum that sometimes intersects with other spectrums—like gender expression, relationship structure style, and sexual interests—and some people are off in an asterisk-shaped paradise.”
She continues, “Maybe he did sleep with a guy more than one time, and maybe it is part of his sexuality, but that doesn’t mean it defines him.”
The bottom line: If this woman wants to make things work with her boyfriend, she’s gotta change her way of thinking.
“If you want to stay with this guy, you’re probably going to need to work on broadening and nuancing your framing,” she writes. “If you don’t want to stay with him, I’m not sure why you’re writing.”
What do you think of this situation and Stoya’s advice? Sound off in the comments section below…
thisisnotreal
I think whats more of an issue than whether or not her boyfriend is gay, is what her deeper issues are. By being so paranoid that her man is gay and reading into all these things with an almost Sherlock Holmes scrutiny, she’s admitting that she has little to no trust of her man and to me that’s a giant red flag. Whether he’s closeted or not, whether he’s actually bisexual or not, or whether he’s just a really relaxed and laid back straight man who’s comfortable in his own sexuality, she clearly feels like there is something she isn’t being let in on and she’s showing that she does not trust him to be open and honest with her. If that’s the case it doesn’t matter whether or not he’s hiding something and being a liar, or if she’s just not taking him at face value. what matters is their relationship from her side has clear lack of trust and relationships cannot survive without trust from both sides. THATS her issue.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Pretty certain her boyfriend isn’t Gay, but his boyfriend definitely is…..
Donston
This is pretty much all about her insecurities and fears. She needs to have a legit sit-down with her boyfriend about his past sexual history, his sense of gender, how he feels about where he is on the romantic, sexual, affection, emotional investment, relationship spectrum. Being paranoid all the time and constantly snooping or trying to pick up clues to something is not going to equate to a healthy relationship. Hopefully, with that sit-down she’ll get the truth. And whatever she can hang with is what she can hang with.
Man About Town
Yes, I was going to say I don’t understand why she doesn’t sit down with her boyfriend and discuss her concerns with him, nor do I understand why Stoya doesn’t advise her to do so.
Aj76
Donston your reply to the article deserves a round of applause. Thank you!
Hussain-TheCanadian
Do straight men have a similar issue when they catch their women watching lesbian porn or talking to gf’s in an intimate way, or having a past samesex experience????
Am I the only one noticing that its straight women who lose their sh*t over things like that when it comes to their men?
Donston
There are some truly homophobic men who don’t want to deal with a woman who isn’t hetero in every possible way. However, many men are turned on by girl-on-girl behaviors. Being turned on by women (no matter your sex) is entirely socially acceptable. While so many women have unabashed attractions to women or have fooled around with women. Even most men who resent female attractions or sexual behaviors feel they have to fall in line. From what I’ve experienced and heard, most women want to be with guys who are entirely hereto in every single way. If they don’t then there’s often a fetishizing of male homo/bi behaviors. Male-male attractions or behaviors can never be a nonchalant thing, even for homosexual, homo-romantic, homo-leaning, gay men. There must be drama or politics behind it. Furthermore, women are more threatened by male attractions. They fear the embarrassment of being left for a guy or people seeing her as someone who dated a “gay” dude. They fear a man primarily wanting to be with them because the guy doesn’t want to be viewed as “gay”, can’t accept who they really want to love, can’t deal with those social and ego ramifications or is “confused”. There’s also fears of STDs. Some of these concerns I actually understand to some degree. However, a lot of it just comes off as hypocrisy or male homophobia. In general, women run sexual and identity politics and sociology. They maintain the power on that front. Even the “bi guy” movement up until maybe a few years ago was mostly pushed by women and was about appeasing women. That’s often even the case for guys who want to be with a guy.
Donston
These situations would be less frequent if there was less male homophobia, less male internalized homophobia, less hetero pressures and more guys being honest about stuff like fluidity and the general spectrum. Guys in particular are more likely to hide behind identity, sociology or behavior. And I feel many women (including a lot of supposedly “progressive” women) sorta enable that.
Hussain-TheCanadian
Thank you for that Donston, I personally have not come across a story, even on those reddit posts, or a man asking these online experts complaining about their gfs or wives possibly being gay.
It makes me wonder if straight men in our western world hide such resentments, fears, act out by cheating, scared their manliness/masculinity might get questioned?
Trekbike
I totally agree. What really puzzles me is that the vast majority of straight women hate the sight of a man’s genitals and definitely the taste and feel. I was reading about a survey that claimed straight women are repulsed and disgusted at the sight of male genitalia. Some even said they think it’s gross. The women feel an obligation to touch their man’s genitals with some of them feeling forced to give B.J. and swallow. Like I said I’m puzzled about this because as a gay man I love everything about a man’s genitals. It also explains why so many married men are looking to gay men for sex.
Donston
The whole “straight guys are looking to hook up with dudes because they’re girlfriends/wives don’t want to fvck” is often a copout. It’s a way for “queers” to indulge hetero worship fetish and a way for the cheating guy to not feel “gay”. Even if they see themselves as “straight” (which is fine) most of those dudes are unlikely to be genuinely hetero or they have some desires for same-sex attentions, passions, affections. Some of those dudes just get off on indulging what they view as subversive behaviors. And of course, some are closet cases who can’t deal with having overall same-sex romantic, sexual, affection, emotional, comfort, relationship leanings. We can’t blame that stuff on women. That’s where the conversation veers toward misogyny.
xanadude
OMG get over yourself lady. It’s called being enlightened. I would want my partner to know a lot about a lot of other things instead of being as narrow-minded as she is.
Grandolphrz
How would the boyfriend know what? The friend’s penis size, or that it’s “dead weight”? Then she says she received a call from a man asking in an effeminate voice ‘What do you need today?’” the woman adds. “He immediately ended the call and acted upset.” Who? What?
Doug
Speaking of, has anybody ever heard of a guy’s junk being called “dead weight,” and, if so, what does it mean??
tjack47
Since when does effeminate equate with gay? Many people of all gender and sexual expression have done things in puberty or college. It doesn’t define nor determine anything about him at all. Who cares what neighborhood he knows well or lived in? This is all about her. She could use some therapy and a good tranquilizer. Does she even know what she wants in a relationship? Bless her heart…