It’s almost a cliche when a gay guy develops feelings for his best guy friend. In rom-coms and coming-of-age novels, it often ends in unrequited feelings and heartbreak — but one guy is trying to avoid a similar ending to his own bromance-turned-romance.
About three months ago, an advice-seeker who contacted Slate started dating his long-term best friend. “We’re a perfect match and stupidly attracted to each other,” he wrote, “but our sex life has been floundering recently.”
The problem seems to be that the two are so used to hanging out platonically, that they both feel a little uncomfortable and clueless about how to relate sexually.
The two are so used to playing video and tabletop games together that when they had an evening in with no plans, the boyfriend suggested they play the card game Uno. Another time, when the two were playing video games, and his boyfriend said he wanted to “ravage” him, the advice-seeker cluelessly mentioned that the game they were playing didn’t have a player-versus-player option.
“We’ve had sex, but it’s usually on formal dates, which are pre-established to be more than ‘just friendly,'” the advice-seeker wrote. “Asking for it outside that rarely pans out.”
While Slate’s resident advice-giver Rich Juzwiak thought that the couple’s sex life could benefit from the erotic build-up of going on more dates, he also warned that the awkwardness could be a sign that they’re lacking bedroom chemistry, a possible red flag for a brand-new relationship.
The boyfriend could be having second thoughts, or perhaps their long-term friendship made the boyfriend see his mate as more of a friend rather than a boyfriend. Or it could be that both guys are moving at “different speeds,” Juzwiak wrote.
“If you are such good friends, you should be able to talk about this,” Juzwiak added, noting that the advice-seeker may be avoiding the conversation for fear of a breakup.
Despite any fear, he told the advice-seeker to go ahead and discuss it. “It is better for you to know now, before you get more romantically invested in something that’s just not going to work out,” he wrote.
The advice-seeker doesn’t say how old he and his pal are, nor does he say what makes him so certain that they are “stupidly attracted” to one another. But he shouldn’t worry too much.
Many queer men have tried dating and bedding their close pals just to see if they’re compatible. Sometimes it sparks a romance, sometimes it takes a while for couples to find their sexual groove, and sometimes it just doesn’t work out. Either way, it doesn’t mean that something is “wrong,” nor does it mean that they can’t remain friends.
The truth is that U.S. culture often sexualizes emotional and physical intimacy between two men, making them feel that if they’re so close, then it must mean that they should date. The media also treats romantic and sexual relationships like the most important bond that two people can share, but that’s not true either. Friendships can be far more enriching and supportive than sexual and romantic relationships.
But maybe it’s time for the two to dig deeper and see what other interests they have beyond indoor gaming. Sharing other hobbies and adventuring outside of the house could help them deepen their appreciation of one another and create new contexts where their relationship can grow beyond fighting games and Uno. If good sex follows, huzzah! And if it just gives them new ways to connect as friends, that’s a blessing too.
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nowliveit
Yep. I’ve had 3 experience…
Learned to not make a pass at best friend who’s obviously straight at 27. We communicated thru it and became closer friends. Great laughs together.
Made a pass at a cute Latino. He came out to me and we had sex. Then his straight mindset took over. I sent articles to no avail. He blamed me for his thoughts and actions. Haha
Met a beautiful tall blue-eyes, sculpted young man. Had a unique experience where his spirit revealed all of him to me. Didn’t know what to do w so much info.
In a roll he showed he felt very much the same towards me. He’s a straight man who loves me, a gay man. He only wants to have sex w me. Him straight, me gay. Understand that happens.
In 5 rolls he made many passes at me but each time he first touched me he freaked out and sort of shut down. He had traumatic brain injury and PTSD. It’s too much for him to handle. I live him more than any friend ever. It’s a soul level love and we mean too much to each other to lose this unique friendship. He doesn’t have the inner ability to face it directly so we’ve talked around it enough that we are on the same page. That is what is supposed to be for now. And it is perfect as is.
tommears
Maybe he’s ace & just not that into sex.
1898
i was thinking the same thing. it sounds like one of them, or maybe even both of them, might be somewhere on the ace spectrum but not aware of it
winemaker
Is this for real or what? Really why are they playing games and wasting time? Two gay guys that go out together and have sex occasionally on a formal ‘date and just what constitutes a formal date? maybe these guys are meant to be friends although sexual tension can be nerve wracking. Sadly many gay men think if they have sex with a ‘friend’ and it doesn’t work out for some reason, they can’t remain friends Good friends tend to stick around longer and sex buddies sometimes go in separate directions
sfhairy
Wow, now Slate is posting fake questions, and then Queerty posts the fake story. Cute, but fake.
Mr-DJ
So, I guess you’ll be moving on to other media that you trust…?
judysdad
Fox News may be covering this dilemma, in fact.
Prax07
I’m a gamer, my ex was a gamer, majorly into Call of Duty with his buds. Told him one night that it’d be a turn on to suck him off while he was on mic, playing with his CoD buds. So we did, a bunch of times. Was hot. Maybe suggest something similar to the guys bf.
bachy
I like your thinking! They should try to be original and combine their gaming addiction with sexual play. Sounds hottt! Hotter than formal date nights, attempting to approximate a heterosexual relationship, and complaining to romance columnists.
radiooutmike
I’d love to have a guy who was a gamer and would allow to suck him on mic while playing CoD. Not that I would, I’m a Battlefield guy.
ZzBomb
Oh, I was hoping this would be a follow up to that article not a re-hashing of it.
tjack47
Sexual compatibility is important in the beginning of a relationship. They may need to discuss whether they want an exclusive monogamous relationship or an open, possibly polyamorous one. I think he’s judging their sex life a little hastily, but it’s not my relationship. Serious communication needs to happen here. I wish them well.
Doug
I think this is strange. It’s certainly not difficult to initiate and experiment with sex if you’re both attracted to each other, but it sounds like the attraction isn’t really there in the first place.
Man About Town
What’s this August leftover piece doing here?