Surprise! Supreme Court Just Legalized Marriage In Five More States

Hawaii-Lesbian-WeddingsWell, remember how everyone was like, “oh, the Supreme Court definitely won’t pass up an opportunity to hear a marriage case this term.” Well, haha, funny thing about that…

This morning the court ruled that, in fact, the marriage petitions currently before them are super-boring and not worthy of their attention. As a result, the lower court rulings can stand, and that means marriage can start right now in five states that you probably did not expect to be the next ones to get marriage: Utah, Oklahoma, Virginia, Indiana, and Wisconsin.

Yes. Really. Marriage. Starting today. As in, go to the clerk’s office and get a license right this very minute.

Or actually, you know what — don’t go get your licenses right this very minute. Wait a while. Maybe a few hours. Or a few days. Or a couple of months. Because this ruling is final, done, over, we win, the end. There’s absolutely no rush to do anything. So, instead of flying out the door, take some time to whip up a romantic proposal and go get married when you’re goddamn ready.

So what happens now? Well, that is the question that the employees of every LGBT nonprofit are nervously asking each other right now as they rush to update their resumes and LinkedIn profiles.

The states that are in the same circuits as those five brand-new marriage states won’t have legal marriage yet. First, they’ll need to wrap up their own pending cases, but it shouldn’t take too long now since there’s a pretty good indication at this point how they should rule. So expect to see marriage in North Carolina, West Virginia, Kansas, Wyoming and beyond. Also, expect to see antigay assholes freaking out like never before, because today they have suffered a loss bigger than they have ever suffered before.

But when do we get a federal ruling? That’s anyone’s guess. Louisiana and Texas have cases percolating up through the Fifth Circuit that might present an interesting enough challenge to the Supreme Court. A ruling there won’t come until sometime after early November, which means it might not even happen in the Supreme Court’s current term. So a final national federal marriage ruling might still be a year away. Wow.

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