Relationships are difficult. They require lots of vulnerability, trust, transparency, and communication. A woman who recently wrote to the Dear Abby advice column seems to have a relationship lacking all of those things in spades.
The unnamed woman asked if she should move to the town where her bisexual boyfriend “Ashton” lives or break up with him. She suspects that Ashton’s sleeping with his male friends on the side. Even worse, she thinks he’s actively hiding his behavior.
When the couple has fights, Ashton takes “breaks” by spending time with his other bisexual and transgender male pals. Ashton also continues to hang out with “Will,” a man he has had a long-term on-again, off-again relationship.
Ashton swore to his girlfriend that nothing was going on between he and Will. But she notes that Ashton “always rushed back to Will or kept him on the side during his other relationships as well.” In fact, she almost broke up with Ashton because of his ongoing closeness to Will.
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The woman seems troubled now that Ashton wants to spend several days with his trans male buddy “Cody” while he and Cody attend an out-of-town concert where Cody lives.
She noted that Ashton seems cagey about sharing his phone details with her even though she willingly shares her own. She also said that he wants an exclusively monogamous relationship, but, she adds, “I don’t trust him not to have sexual relations outside of ours.”
Her straight male friends don’t trust Ashton, and she feels Ashton doesn’t respect his female partners as much as he respects his male ones. So, she wonders, should they break up?
The advice seeker doesn’t say how old she and Ashton are, how long they’ve been going out, or what their sex lives are like together, but the relationship sounds like a big, mistrustful mess. She adds that Ashton is “presently in the closet… because he comes from a Christian family and lives in a highly conservative area.”
Abby wisely notes that just “because someone identifies as bisexual does not mean the person is incapable of being monogamous.” That’s especially reassuring considering how common people resort to tired stereotypes about bisexual people being dishonest and sexually greedy. However, she notes that his willingness to hide his sexual orientation from his family doesn’t bode well for his girlfriend.”
“Listen to your friends,” Abby adds. “They may have more insight into Ashton’s character than you do.” Abby also says that people who hide their phones often have more going on than they are comfortable revealing — another red flag that should make the woman reconsider her relationship with Ashton.
Being closeted and wanting some privacy around cell phone use doesn’t necessarily mean someone is romantically dishonest, but it does suggest that they need to clarify their own desires and boundaries.
It could be that Ashton is interested in an open relationship, but his conservative upbringing makes him think it isn’t possible (or moral) while dating a woman. It could be that his girlfriend is highly suspicious and quarrelsome, and all he wants is some distance and privacy — a sign that he’s not ready to have her move to his town.
It could also be that Ashton is secretly sleeping with all of these dudes, ultimately doing a disservice to both him and his girlfriend. Regardless, Abby’s advice seems to be absolutely right on.
Admittedly, it can be difficult for a person to fully embrace their own sexuality or desire to be open while in a relationship. Often, either one can feel like a threat to a relationship, even when a partner signals that they’re okay with it.
In these situations, it isn’t a case of having an accepting partner so much as a case of re-wiring one’s own self-perception and outlooks to figure out how they can lovingly navigate a relationship’s challenges while also authentically respecting their own integrity.
Put another way, it sounds like Ashton and his girlfriend have to figure out how to have honest and challenging conversations about how they actually feel towards one another. Those conversations might spell the end of their relationship, but it could all signal the start of happier lives for them both.
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Donston
As usual, there’s a good chance this whole scenario is made up. In fact, it probably is. But whether it’s real or fiction, they both come off like messy and lost people. It has little to do with being “bisexual”, or even whether he’s sleeping with other people or not. As I typically state, a lot of things come down to where someone truly is in the gender, sexual, affection, romantic passions, emotional investment, relationship contentment, commitment spectrum. Let’s not pretend that there still aren’t plenty of guys who primarily a certain type of person (particularly cis women) for sociological protection or babies or ego or sex or fetish or money, while knowing that that isn’t where they lean when it comes to the overall spectrum. But the ultimate problem is trying to have a relationship with a closeted guy, from a Conservative family, who you know is secretive and hide things from you, who always immaturely runs out whenever there’s a dispute, and who still wants to be besties with his exes. That’s not even “red flags”. It’s just common sense not to try to have anything serious with someone like that. Once again, though, this sounds made up.
Diplomat
Your usual cut and paste. Yawn.
bachy
This relationship sounds like a swamp of evasions, mis-matched motivations around commitment, secrets and lies.
RKP
Oh, she nothing to worry about – no red flags whatsoever. He’s just a really, really good friend.
ncman
Wondering why the author specified “woman” in this sentence. Was it just because it is a woman in this case? Or, does this author think this couldn’t be an issue in a relationship between two men?
“It could be that Ashton is interested in an open relationship, but his conservative upbringing makes him think it isn’t possible (or moral) while dating a woman.”
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As a bisexual man who has been married to a woman for 29 years, I can state with a reasonable degree of certainty that the bisexual boyfriend is, or will at some point in time, have sex with other dudes. It is who he is. He’ll realize that it is very easy to have sex with men and they won’t likely try and destroy his relationship with a woman. The opposite is generally not the case. Women want to be the one and only. Sex equals love to most women. Sex equals sex to most men.
Donston
None of this has anything to do with this, um, story. She said that she already knows that her bf has dated guys. So, yeah, sense would say that she knows he’s had non hetero sexual relations before. Her main concerns seem to be that he’s sleeping with other people behind her back, that he tends to run out and reconnect with his ex whenever they have a dispute, and that he may not truly be into her (aka may be using her to appease his Conservative family and to appear “straight” to the world/may not at all be hetero-leaning when it comes the sexual, affection, romantic, emotion, commitment spectrum). You being inherently bisexual and married to a chick doesn’t mean your situations or dimensions or lifestyles or relationship expectations are comparable.
Ultimately, women are a social and ego commodity for men looking for hetero commitment. The question is how much of his life is driven by sociology and ego and his family. If this story is to be believed then it’s probably best for them to part. They’re not married and don’t have kids. He seems to be closeted to most people in his life, seems to be keeping a lot from her, and is willing to emotionally detach when some friction comes. While she has clear ideas about what she expects from her partner. It’s best to cut the chord early.
Also, your last bit is somewhat off target. Women are more inclined to get emotionally attached to their sexual partners. However, me and my husband have had a handful of threesomes with chicks with no such drama or strings. And many guys get emotionally involved with their sexual partners, even if they don’t show it. Let’s not simplify men and same-sex dynamics and feelings in order to feel okay with behaviors.
bachy
@ bankruptmenow: Interesting insights! I think you are on to something…
TomG
So ? They aren’t married and until then she is just as capable of dating others as he. If she cannot handle that, then maybe she needs to give up relationships since she’s too needy and clingy without a ring on the finger.
winemaker
Are these two possible ‘misfits’ exclusive or not? Do they live together or not ’cause living together usually is a sign of a serious commitment. Not to be flip but why is she wasting her time dating someone she has trust issues with? Really the basis for a good relationship is trust and without that, well it’s basically nothing more that a short or long term hookup if that. Hiding his real life from his Christian and conservative family by dating a real woman is unfair to her. She’s being played as second fiddle, or plain and simple is his safe sideline or plan ‘B’.
Raphael
No! Abby’s advice it’s absolutely not “right on”! “Ashton” is not doing anything wrong, and apparently she is aware of all of what his doing and what his plans are; so what’s the problem here?! If she has trust and control issues, that’s on her, she should either work it out or breakup! Don’t go around blaming the guy.
johncp56
I can not count how many Bi men I played with, not knowing if they were cheating, what was the question