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Taking Female Fertility Hormone Turned MLB’s Manny Ramirez Into A He-She, Laughs College Sports Editor

Greg Lindberg, the sports editor for University of South Florida-St. Petersburg’s student paper The Crow’s Nest, thought it’d be hilarious to turn the story of ex-Dodger Manny Ramirez — who now plays for the Tampa Bay Rays, and who was suspended for 50 games in 2009 after testing positive for a female hormone used after steroid cycles — into one of transphobic comic relief. Evidently the paper’s other editors agreed, because in “Now batting… Mandy Ramirez?,” we see the entire line-up of typical college jock hilarity about men turning into women.

We’ve republished Lindberg’s story in full below, in case it disappears from the web, but the punchline here is that by taking human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG), which is a women’s fertility drug that helps steroid users begin producing testosterone naturally again, Ramirez is going to one day walk on the field as “Mandy.” Because, haha, he’s a girl now!

This article is intended to be read as a satire, of course, and that’s probably what Lindberg (pictured, right) will hide behind when his world starts to crumble around him after today’s article. And it’s got all your favorite gender-bending ingredients, including remarks about his name change and appearance, but this has to be my favorite portion of stupidity:

Since Ramirez already has his trademark flowing dreadlocks, some people may not even notice when the changeover officially occurs. The main thing expected to be noticeably different is his upper body. Some columnists have questioned whether Ramirez will—and should—wear attire more appropriate for a female. According to general manager Andrew Friedman, he is “free to do what he wants to do because of who he is.” There is also some concern as to whether he should be allowed in a male-dominant locker room when he becomes a female. B.J. Upton doesn’t think it will be a problem. “I’m sure all the guys will be staring at him… uh… her,” he said with a smirk.

Confusion over pronouns and dudes with tits is hi-lar-i-ous, right everyone?? I’d make a joke about how small Lindberg’s balls must be, but in writing garbage like this, he already showed you.

The full piece, here:

The well-known phrase used to describe Manny Ramirez might need to be altered a bit. Instead of “Manny being Manny,” it should probably be changed to “Manny being Girly.”

The newly-acquired Tampa Bay Rays outfielder is officially on the path to becoming a woman. In May 2009, Ramirez was suspended for 50 games by Major League Baseball for illegally using a female hormone commonly prescribed as a fertility drug. Doctors say it is typically used by steroid users to restart their body’s natural testosterone production when coming off a steroid cycle. However, a recent physical exam has indicated that the drug will turn Ramirez into a female at some point in the next few months, most likely during his tenure with the Rays.

Assuming he stays healthy in 2011, the 38-year-old is expected to become the first female to ever play professional baseball at the major league level.

“This will be a historic season for baseball,” said MLB commissioner Bud Selig in a statement. “Having our first woman compete in America’s pastime will bring a whole new group of female fans to the ballpark.”

In the eyes of Rays manager Joe Maddon, he is fascinated by what is happening with the slugger but is also somewhat concerned about how it will impact his athletic ability.

“It will be interesting to see how Manny’s metamorphosis will affect his game,” Maddon said. “I’m hoping he won’t lose too much power in his bat.”

Rays team doctor Koco Eaton has never seen anything like this happen to an athlete—or any patient he has had for that matter—in his career as a physician.

“It’s a complete medical mystery,” he said. “I have no idea how this happened.”

According to his batting statistics, it’s possible “Man-ram” has already lost some of his masculine power since first taking the drug two years ago. Ramirez hit 19 home runs in 2009 and only nine last season. At this rate, he will be lucky to record five round-trippers this year for the Rays.

Since Ramirez already has his trademark flowing dreadlocks, some people may not even notice when the changeover officially occurs. The main thing expected to be noticeably different is his upper body. Some columnists have questioned whether Ramirez will—and should—wear attire more appropriate for a female. According to general manager Andrew Friedman, he is “free to do what he wants to do because of who he is.”

There is also some concern as to whether he should be allowed in a male-dominant locker room when he becomes a female. B.J. Upton doesn’t think it will be a problem.

“I’m sure all the guys will be staring at him… uh… her,” he said with a smirk.

A few Rays players have already suggested new female names for the veteran slugger. David Price thinks he should be called Mandy. Evan Longoria likes Manuela—more of a literal translation of his given name, Manuel. Ben Zobrist prefers Maniqua. Reid Brignac? Mannycita.

When asked about what is happening to his body, Ramirez shrugged his shoulders, shook his head and seemed to deny the rumor that will soon become fact.

“I have no idea what people are talking about,” he said as his voice cracked. “I am a man and I will always be a Manny.”