Here comes the season premiere for Game of Thrones (April 6 on HBO)! We’ve spent the past few months oscillating wildly between wanting all the spoilers and avoiding any mention of the series. But now our self-discipline has paid off and we are approaching season 4 with as clear a mind as an unsullied.
We have no idea what to expect, but that hasn’t stopped our imagination from running wild. Here are a few of our almost certain-to-be-untrue predictions for the new season.
Theon discovers that he actually prefers bottoming.
Podrick opens his own brothel called “House of Payne,” and all of Baelish’s girls defect to join him.
Renly’s ghost keeps appearing in bathhouses around King’s Landing, terrifying all of Flea Bottom. To maintain order, Loras must conduct an exxxorcism.
In an unexpected crossover with House of Cards, Kevin Spacey manages to get himself named the Hand of the King. Tywin isn’t sure what just happened.
Things get awkward when Jojen has a vision of Bran’s direwolf mounting Hodor. “Well I want no part of this. You’re on your own, kids,” says the three-eyed crow as he flaps away.
Gendry never puts on another shirt for the rest of his life.
Sam Tarly and Hot Pie open a little bakery together. Hilarious hijinks ensue, and at least once per episode someone yells “stop eating the profits!” Melisandre is their wacky neighbor. She’s always up to something, that kooky redhead!
Cersei feverishly attempts fortify the mud gate before having to share a bed with Loras.