holy crap

The Vatican Would Prefer You Refer To Its Molesting Priests as Gay Molesting Priests


You remember the Roman Catholic Church, don’t you? The anti-gay institution headquartered in Rome? The organization where untold numbers of priests had their way with little boys over the years? Well they don’t really like this child molester reputation, and they have a brand new branding campaign they’d love for you to take part it.

Step 1? Stop calling their molesting priests “pedophiles.” Rather, start using the word “ephebophilia,” which describes an attraction to adolescents. See how this makes the molestation a gay problem and not a church problem?

Also, you’d be interested to know, it’s not like every Catholic priest was involved in exploiting altar boys. Only “1.5%-5% of Catholic clergy were involved in child sex abuse,” relays the Guardian, which should be completely reassuring to 95 out of 100 parents!

In a statement following the United Nations’ Human Rights Council’s meeting in Geneva, the Vatican had Archbishop Silvano Tomasi, the Vatican’s permanent observer to the UN, read aloud a statement.

He also quoted statistics from the Christian Scientist Monitor newspaper to show that most US churches being hit by child sex abuse allegations were Protestant and that sexual abuse within Jewish communities was common.

He added that sexual abuse was far more likely to be committed by family members, babysitters, friends, relatives or neighbours, and male children were quite often guilty of sexual molestation of other children.

So what do we learn here? Keep sending your kids to church, but don’t let them hang out at the neighbor’s house. And also? Please excuse the behavior of a bunch of holy men who violated your children, because really, they’re probably doing it to other kids themselves.

Curiously, god did not send a spider to crawl on Archbishop Tomasi to warn the masses.