The A-List: New York Live Blog – Just Like Your Life, Only Dumber And With Better Liquor

Even though technical difficulties kept us from covering last week’s episode of It Gets Much, Much Worse The A-List: New York, PUT DOWN THE GUN!!!! We have some recap action and the latest humiliations live-blogged the latest episode. Better put on your elbow-length fisting gloves, because shit is gonna get messay!

Here’s the characters and background for those of you who have been too smart to watch up until this point:

Reichen is a cardboard cutout glory hole with the emotional maturity of a drunk high schooler. He wants to fuck other guys, but his boyfriend Rodiney’s badly subtitled English keeps holding him back.

Rodiney has no job other than wearing underwear for this show. He is too unattractive to model anywhere in NYC; even in a Queens subway. A bazillion mature and attractive men would totally love to become Rodiney’s insta-cockslave, but he loves Reichen(‘s mouth) too much.

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Austin (aka Senor Gordo) may have worked briefly as a UK hooker but now he’s sitting fat and sassy in NYC. He’s long-distance engaged to “his boo” (a Brit twink) who he enjoys punching in the face while drunk in Times Square. Everyone in the show either hates or wants to sleep with him.

Derek weighs about 20 pounds (most of it spray-tanned on) and spends his time gossiping, drinking to quell his intense hatred of Austin, or treating his personal assistant vaGina like Christina from Mommie Dearest. His non-existent dating life makes us feel kitten-sad for him.

Ryan is 30 pushing 50 and works as a hairdresser along with his lapdog TJ. He married a black man who seemingly moved out as soon as Ryan agreed to be on this moronic show. Ryan’s attempt to transform Austin from a Southern toilet tramp into Queer York royalty horribly failed… horribly.

Mike does not actually exist in this show. He is a figment of your imagination and too actually successful to waste time on-screen with these ass-castles.

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9:00 PM CST – Let the stupidity begin. Do you like reality diarrhea? I do(n’t).

9:01 PM CST – Reichen is looking for a “new co-pilot” model for his jewelry line. But he can’t choose his ultra-hot boyfriend Rodiney because that would look totally “weird.” So instead Rodiney is gonna MC for the event where they will choose the model. That will be difficult because live events aren’t usually subtitled.

9:03 PM CST – Ryan actually works? TJ acts like a total bitch by talking about how Austin’s “drunk stupid naked fat ass” ruined the pool at Fire Island last week. TJ mentions that Austin asked the pool’s owner if he could get naked first and Ryan exclaims, “What?!! He asked to get naked?” I’m shocked too. No one asks for permission before getting naked at Fire Island — you just whip out your wiener and start squirting on stuff.

9:05 PM CST – Rodiney gets in his underwear for a photo shoot (yet again) because if he didn’t, the ratings for this show would be astronomically lower than they already are.

9:08 PM CST – Reichen cannot ask his boyfriend to help choose the co-pilot, but Reichen can ask all his dumb A-List co-stars to help… because that wouldn’t be weird at all. Reichen asks Derek to help judge and promises to keep Austin away from him. Reichen calls Austin on speakerphone to tell him to be polite to Derek at the show. Austin graciously agrees but not before calling Derek a pussy.

9:10 PM CST – Commercial: Julia Styles has to drink heavily to tolerate her own bullshit.

9:13 PM CST – Commercial: People text while walking and urinating and performing surgery. So you should buy a new phone that you won’t want to use as much… because that’s what we really need to feel free… a shittier phone.

9:14 PM CST – Austin meets with The Man in the Yellow Hat from the Curious George books to consult with him about his non-existent modeling career. That’s ideal seeing as Austin is like a horny banana-gobbling chimp. The Man in the Yellow Hat basically tells Austin to learn more about the actual business before pretending to be a model. Austin wants to be on a creative team for a modeling agency, which is good because Austin is too morbidly obese to do anything but eat ice cream and Cheetos while crying grease onto his cottage cheese belly and flab-ridden thighs.

9:17 PM CST – Rodiney stole Reichen’s phone and discovered that Reichen has been sexting other dumb whores (takes one to blow one, Rodiney). Rodiney wishes he stayed in Brazil instead of coming to NYC to star in a stewpid reality show with his stewpid boyfriend. Ryan wishes Rodiney had stayed in Brazil so he could shop without having to deal with Rodiney’s stewpid tears.

Rodiney cries in Ryan’s arms. This is totally like the first real scene of possibly actual emotion on this show. I mean like for real.

9:20 PM CST – Commercial: Oh look, a commercial with Asian-Americans! And true to LOGO’s style, all the Asians in this commercial have HIV.

9:21 PM CST – The A-List word of the week is “Booty Text.” It’s like a booty call, except it’s a text message, because texting for sex costs less than actually dialing someone to tell them you’d like to fuck.

9:22 PM CST – Commercial: The young man working eleventeen jobs to buy a VW Jetta would be a lot cuter if he wasn’t such a German corporate slave.

9:23 PM CST – Commercial: According to the white men and women at Ameriprise Financial you must keep working until your tits fall off. In other news, Monistat 7 has now accelerated to Monistat 1 which means that you ladies can now cure your yeast infections before they even happen.

9:25 PM CST – Grandma Mike joins Reichen at the gym where Reichen lives. Mike wears a wet black cat on his head and some fierce black capris. Mike tells Reichen to relax and not worry about his stewpid relationship so much. If this was a porno, they’d start fucking on the fly press machine.

9:30 PM CST – Ryan put a weave in some model’s head so he could shoot her. Sadly, the model’s lapdog Sparkles pissed all over the tops Ryan chose for her. So Ryan shoots her nude and duct tapes her titties instead. She looks like a washed-up version of Hannah Montana… with grey industrial tape on her areolas.

9:32 PM CST – Derek goes on a date with Roberto, during which Derek tells Roberto to meet his mother and call more often. This explains why Derek will die alone.

9:34 PM CST – Commericial: The ad for POM pomegranate juice is kinda like the video for Depeche Mode’s Enjoy the Silence except in black and white and in the desert.

9:36 PM CST – TJ lives in Brooklyn! WHAT?!! HE. IS. TRASH. TJ and Derek talk shit about everyone on the show because they are totally better than all of those desperate flop queens. TJ and Derek both agree that they’re on “Team Reichen” because Rodiney was stewpid enough to come to NYC and try to be a model at age 30! Yeah, what a deluded queen.

Meanwhile TJ puts extensions in his hair, puts on a pair of sunglasses with spikes coming out of them and says he’s gonna be “Bianca” for the night.

Somewhere in Montana is a gay boy thinking that he has to move to New York City and turn into one of these guys.

9:40 PM CST – After seeing models infinitely more attractive than himself, Austin thinks that he should be the co-pilot for Reichen’s jewelry line because he “takes a sick picture.” Yes, we saw his nude pics from two episodes ago and they made us sick as well. Austin pictures would look a lot better if they stayed locked on Manhunt.

9:45 PM CST – Commercial: The Droid phone makes the scariest Christmas commercial ever. It features a snowman that comes alive with red eyes and robot hands that look like they were made for raping eight children at once.

9:46 PM CST – Commercial: Feed your children lead paint. Thank you.

9:47 PM CST – Derek’s mom looks about 32-years-old which makes sense seeing as Derek looks about 15. Roberto ditches the opportunity to meet D’s mom on a cruise which makes Derek all kitten sad again. Derek’s mom wishes she could hug her son to make him feel better, but she doesn’t wanna get spray tan all over her clothes.

9:49 PM CST – Austin invites Reichen to go to a trapeeze class because “he’s the only one in our group who’s into this sort of physical activity.” But what Austin actually means us that Reichen is the only one in their group will still wants to be seen in public with Austin.

9:50 PM CST – Commercial: To have healthy kids, you should buy a Lysol soap dispenser. It will kill 99.9% of the bacteria that they would need to develop a healthy immune system. Then you can keep them in a plastic bubble and feed them lead paint.

9:53 PM CST – Commercial: A little kid hits his softball coach in the head with a fastball because coach was texting instead of coaching. I imagine that the coach later died due to a cerebral hemorrhage and that kid spent his elementary school years making license plates in juvie. Are you happy now, Windows Phone?

9:55 PM CST – Reichen is pissed that Rodiney doesn’t like his kissing and sexting other men. According to Reichen, it’s only cheating if you stick your cock into another man’s butt… otherwise, it’s totally not cheating. Besides, Reichen has nothing to hide; that’s why he deleted all his texts so that Rodiney couldn’t read them. Rodiney seems devastated as he slowly realizes he only began dating Reichen for the purposes of this dumb show.

Rodiney then breaks up with Reichen and says that he’s gonna move to Miami and never come back… which would officially remove the only reason left to watch this stewpid show.

9:59 PM CST – Except that in the preview for next week’s episode Rodiney comes back to fight Austin… which in gay reality TV world is like Armageddon or Ragnarok.