Trolling Tuesday: “Masterbating Balloons”

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Hold on to your hats, ladies and gents, because it’s time for some good old fashioned Trolling Tuesday!

This week brings us all sorts of Craigslist madness. Like what? Like this straight-forward offering: “use my mouth like you would your toilet.” It’s almost poetic in its simplicity.

Get an even more ickier taste of gnarliness, after the jump.

Oh, and as you can imagine, the language ain’t safe for work. Or anyone with a weak tum-tum. Don’t worry, though, we didn’t attach any of the pictures we came across. Even we’re not that cruel.

Now, we’re not intimate with Bangkok’s sex worker scene, but we don’t imagine the city’s “best whore” advertises online. Regardless, one man simply can’t help but boast of his sexual proclivities:

I am told that I am “The biggest slut in bangkok” and “The best whore in town”. Which I think is rather nice. The truth is I like it any way you do, however I am clean and safe. Spend time in the gym being sure i can take it. [Ed: He must have amazing glutes!]

I am available any night at any time for basically anything you want. Have an arse that loves to be fucked, will suck cock for hours, drink your piss, let you tie me, bind me or use me in any way you want.

I don’t really care about age, looks, or race.

Well, you know what they say, the best whores don’t discriminate.

Here’s another non-racist looker, although his appetite definitely skews to the carny side:

GWM, nice build with 15 extra pounds looking for oral and masterbating partner. Love men of other races and love fucking with balloons! I like to hump them or put them between our bodies and squeeze them and sometimes pop them. Love to make them squeak and moan and explode! If your are good looking and masculine and not too overweight, like sucking and masterbating and willing to try something new and kinky, contact me.

And, as an added bonus, he’s great at parties!

The previous example are a bit – um, well, not the most family friendly. Now, before you lose all hope in making a technological connection, rest assured there’s romance in the virtual hills. It’s not always sensible, but horned-up beggars can’t be choosers:

The touch of a man is the most incredible feeling you can give another man, from the way he feels with your fingers to the kiss of his lips as you look into his eyes caressing his face. Exploring his body and finding every nitch is what I am after in a man.. We know what we want, it’s the chemistry and the look of the man what is most enduring. When you look at me across the crowded room, suddenly I want to be alone with you. I hang on every word that leaves your lips, anticipating the moment when I feel you kiss me. Enough is never enough.

Hot damn! That’s exactly what we want to say to you, readers! It’s like this “Why So Single?” guy read our collective mind! Except for the whole looking across the room thing. Because the internet is not a room. It’s a – um, web of some sort. And it’s worldwide. So, yeah – not really a room, but we appreciate the sentiment.

Speaking of appreciating – we want to marry Mr. “I Need A Drink:”

Dear Craigslist reader and fellow lonely boy,

What can I say…I need a cocktail but I’ll take the cock or the tail. Buh rump buh! Wait. I’ve got a million of ’em. But seriously folkes…I’m looking for someone who can pierce the depths of my tortured soul as easily as refilling my drink. But don’t let my sensitivity scare you away. I am also very practical. I save thousands of dollars by knocking off name brands with iron-on patches. The money I save goes towards saving for my calf implants and new jump ropes which I wear out, of course, trying to build up my calf muscles. Duh! But enough about me. Tell me about you and send pics. Oh and a couple of musts: 1) You have to be able to name at least 5 characters on Sanford & Son (easy!) & 2) Mint Julep Summers!

Swooo-oooon!