It's Uglier Than It Looks

Trolling Tuesdays

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Tuesday’s the least glamorous, fun or even interesting day of the week. Thanks to our newest feature, Trolling Tuesdays, these 24 excruciating hours just got a little more bearable (read: filthy).

Read a few of the more bizarre M4M messages you, our lovely (and horny) readers found during your virtual strolls, after the jump.

Preemptive [sic], of course…

The first entry comes from Washington DC, where it sounds like one married man’s trying to pick up more than just rays at his pool club:

we live a block apart, and wave or say hi when we pass, but don’t really know each other and have never had a real conversation. if your wife or mine is around, you ignore me.

this was the first weekend at the pool, and we were eyeing each other, or at least i think we were. you looked good in just your trunks, sitting on the other side of the pool in the sun.

i’m not looking to start something, cause we both know that’s impossible. i’d just like to know that i’m not completely crazy that i’ve gotten “the look” from you over the past few years. and if i have, i appreciate it, cause you’re pretty hot yourself. drop me a line and let me know that i’m not completely crazy- mention what pool we go to and something else that let’s me know you’ve got the right guy in mind.

Now that’s just senseless. How are you going to put up a message asking if someone’s been cruising you and say you’re not looking to start something? C’mon! At least offer a little blow job! It’s all about being a good neighbor and that’s what good neighbors do. Great neighbors swallow.

Here’s another find from our nation’s capital:

I was standing on the dance floor and you came up to me and I told you I wasn’t interested. You give up to easily. I play hard to get, but if you were a little more persistant I would’ve gave you what you wanted. Don’t give up so fast next time 🙂

Smiley face? Fart face is more like it? We’re sick and tired of men saying they “play hard to get”. That stupid. Either you’re interested or your not. Don’t send someone away and then act hurt when they don’t come begging for more rejection. Schmuck. Oh, and posting that shit on missed connections probably ain’t the way to get a date, you passive aggressive asshole. By the way, the reader who sent us that link mentioned this type of behavior’s typical for the city. We’re glad we live in New York, where the boys are sluts.

That same reader sent us yet another entry from DC. This one’s sick on so many levels, but not for the right reasons:

Saw you last week in your seersucker suit in Hart, thought you looked good – made me want to get one. We’ve passed each other before, but just can’t get the nerve to talk to you – hope you play for our team, totally closeted here. Hope you are too.

Yeah! Let’s be closeted queers together! We can suck each other off under all your seersucker suits and then cry about it. Then, once we’ve dried our tears, we can beat each other up for being such cum guzzling pussy shit wads! Super!!

Ah, here’s some nice, honestly fucked up shit from our lovely home, New York City:

this lowlife fag is hungry for its superiors cheez snacks (from your foreskin) and protein, washed down with your recycled beer, please sirs. for appetizer it would be honored to lick your feet and armpits clean, please sirs. the loser will work hard to earn your protein, you can abuse its cunt and throat however you want, please sirs. your dog is 24 6ft 165 30w 39c it is skinny but well definid, firm cunt (always cleaned out) blond/blue, totally smooth below the neck, size 9 feet. the cunt is looking for real men only, its owner must be strong and dominant 100% top no fats fems versatiles or small cocks big feet +++. kick the fag out as soon as you are done using it, please sirs.

Maybe homeboy can head on down to DC and let the closet cases abuse him a bit. Could be a match made in heaven.

And, finally, an entry from Atlanta, where one man decided therapy just isn’t his thing, so he took to the internet:

I need an unstable man for a drama filled relationship…

Hi there,

I’m seeking a like-minded guy to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship with, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings.

I live in Atlanta , I’m 50 years old (but look younger), fairly well educated, I hold down a good job and am pretty stable. I’m told I’m fairly good looking, but I’ll let you be the judge of that – I’m generally caring and very honest.

I am looking for an attractive male who will at first give me obsessive love, praise and devotion – but whose paranoia, self-loathing and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead him to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the eventual emotional breakdown of one or other party – or if we’re lucky – both!

You should:

* be 20 to 65 years old;
* have a history of short, intense, drama-driven relationships;
* enjoy degrading and dehumanizing sex;
* have undergone negative psychiatric evaluations in the past; and
* be willing to threaten self-harm and/or annihilation as a weapon to control your partner and make them stay with you and care for you.

Although not completely necessary, I would prefer men:
* with nice smiles;
* that have larger than average dicks;
* who are in a committed relationship or already in unstable relationships;
* that drink to forget; and
* who have had a previous established diagnosis of Borderline or Dependent Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar Affective Disorder – or who are currently taking Lithium Carbonate, SSRIs, or Tri-cyclic antidepressants

If you think you meet these requirements (and wow, I’m getting excited just writing them!), please don’t hesitate to get back to me as soon as possible. In the meantime, thank you for reading my advert, and do take care.

All the best,
xxx
ps This advert is in recognition of the big neon sign on my forehead that everyone else can see except me.

There must be thousands of men just like that trolling the internet. You’ll find him one day, Mr. Atlanta. We promise.

Now, as for the rest of you, we know you’re out there trolling for dick and we know you’re reading some crazy, fucked up, but hilarious shit. Send it along this way so we can all have laugh.

That goes for you, too, ladies. We know lesbians get down with the filth, too…