Trolling Tuesdays: Dog Seeks Enema Loving, Women Disappointing Muscle Man

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Oh, readers, we cannot even begin to express how deeply, deeply sorry we are for neglecting last week’s Trolling Tuesdays. We don’t know what came over us. Anyway, we’re making up for it this week with our biggest, most explosive, most disturbing Trolling Tuesday to date.

Hold on to your hats – and seats – readers, because you will be horrified, traumatized and, perhaps, a little aroused. If you’re really hard up, of course. And, in case you couldn’t guess, it’s NSFW, except ours (obviously).

A reader sent is us this post from an Atlanta-based homo who decided to channel his sexual frustration through his dog. No, it’s not what you think. Alright, it’s a little what you think:

Hi, I’m Colby, 2 1/2-year old Brindle Boston Terrier…My dad is 40 and is a Single Gay White Guy…

My dad is a great-guy and is looking for some HUMAN companionship with another Single Gay White Guy…

He’s much taller than me, I’d say around 5’10”, and he’s much heavier than my meager 18-lbs, I’d guess he’s probably 185-lbs…He’s also not as hairy as I am, but he does have hair on his chest, but his face is clean-shaven…
His hair and my hair are dark brown, his eyes are also brown, whereas mine are bug-eyed and black…

He likes to kiss and cuddle…God knows he does it enough with me…and frankly, I could use a break…

Dad does not use drugs and is disease-free, I would bite his leg off for such an offense…we’re both up-to-date on our shots…we’re also house-trained…don’t you just hate piddle in the floor!!!

He is attracted to guys in their mid-to-late 30’s to their mid-to-late 40’s…

Dad doesn’t like guys who use drugs or have diseases…can you blame him???

He does smoke cigarettes and I am trying to get him to quit, but what can you do…I mean, he smokes and I lick myself sometimes at inappropriate times…so what the heck…

Anyway, if you think you’d like to hang-out and get to know us, drop us a line…

All the best…

Colby and Jeff

Oh goodness. Jeff, we’re sure you’re a swell guy, but writing an M4M as your dog really makes you look like a loser. Sorry, there’s no other word for it. Except, maybe, frightening. Or pathetic.

An American over in Israel sure does have a high opinion of himself:

HELLO: I AM AN INTELIGENT, ATTRACTIVE CLEAN CUT 54 YR. YOUNG GENTLEMEN WITH SHAVED HEAD WHO WILL BE VISITING ISRAEL ON THE 19TH OF JULY FOR FIVE DAYS. STAYING ALONE AND WOULD ENJOY MEETING SOMEONE FOR MUTUAL ENJOYMENT & FUN.

No wonder so many international folk think we’re all idiots.

We’d call this next dude an idiot, but he’d prefer to be called a whore. How do we know? He told us – or, rather, his partners. The Prague-based lad wrote a post called “Treat me like a whore – 25“:

I’m 5’9 190 a little chubby w/ huge nipples and a small uncut dick. I’m looking to be stripped, have my penis and ass inspected and fondled by you. Make me suck your cock after you slap it all over my face. I need to be treated like a little whore because i’m can’t please a women. Do whatever you want tome just email me when and where and what i’m in for.

We’re not sure we understand this dude’s logic: he wants to be treated like a “whore” – although he’s not making any money, fool – because he can’t get a girl off? That’s some serious shit. We don’t recommend a dick, home boy. We recommend a therapist.

Over in Indiana, one muscle loving lad wants to “turn the tables,” he says, but does not want to see your dick. Not in picture, that is. He writes an ad entitled “Muscular 4 Muscles 2 Worship”:

I will be in town July 27th & 28th… I usually have dudes worshiping my bod… I want to turn the tables and find a dude’s bod that I can worship. Masculine a must… no little girly boys…please!! No Pic = No Reponse!!! (no cock pic..seen one seen them all)

Really, because we’ve seen some glorious penises and some vile dicks, and they look nothing alike.

The Indiana man may think all dicks look alike, but a Greeneville, South Carolina man knows one thing’s true – you either wear women’s underwear or you don’t. From 30 MWM Pantie Lover, who has apparently been searching for quite some time:

Still looking for a pantie jack off partner. I am a discrete MWM who is seeking someone who enjoys wearing a nice pair of panties and getting off as I do. I prefer Satin String Bikini’s. I have attached a picture, so please try to have one with your response. I am not looking to send an endless amount of emails, so serious people only. You either LOVE satan panties or you don’t.

Do you think this is what he means by “satan panties,” because it’s a pretty hellish sight:
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If only we knew a prayer…

We were definitely screaming, “Dear God” when we came across a New York-based poster (where else?) asking for someone to “Maul My Balls”:

make them your chew toy….suck them, lick them, have your way with them….large and plump and full of cum…will shoot multiple loads

44, 6′, 170, shaved head, trim bead, hairy, healthy and discreet
travel to you
no pic, never hear complaints

Probably because he bites their head off when they’re done.

We can only offer an excerpt from this particularly graphic and nauseating ad – “Enema Friend”:

It’s funny how an off handed comment can lead to something very special. Paul had come back into town after being away for couple of years. Paul and I took the time to get to know one another. First let me say that Paul was very attractive. He was tall with a nice build and a nice butt in a pair of faded jeans. Paul had a smile that spoke volumes. He and I chatted about all sorts of things and somehow I worked enemas into the mix of conversation.

See where this one’s going? Down.

Speaking of going down, if you’re ever headed to Buenos Aires, you can stay with this guy:
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The Obelisk’s wearing a condom! That is fun! So much fun, in fact, we’re totally spent.

Remember to send us all your Trolling Tuesday worthy finds, readers!!
xoxo,
Queerty