THIS BITES

True Blood Recap Roulette: Lilith Fan Fair, Or Bourbon Street Bloodbath

Anyone can just spell out what happened on last night’s episode of True BloodIn fact, you can’t swing a dead shapeshifter without hitting someone’s recaps.

So every week this season, Queerty contributor Jason Sweeten is going to give us a different spin on the previous night’s episode: it might be a screenshot slideshow, a sock-puppet re-enactment, or even some Kabuki theater. (If we can just get the budget approved). He might not always succeed, but at least it won’t be boring.

This Week: “Live” Blogging!

(9:00) Why is there a Newsroom promo right now? We’ve all heard enough about that show. This is just overkill.
(9:01) Previously on True Blood: Roman wore that golf shirt.
(9:01) Still previously-ing…  I’m glad that characters are calling the ifrit a “smoke monster.” This lets us know that the writers have no issue with stealing ideas.
(9:02) Wait, Russell actually killed Roman? I didn’t think they had the guts for that.
(9:03)  Russell is running around. UV! Night vision! Guards! Seizers!
(9:03)  Security captured Russell in a silver net. Note to self: invest in precious metals once vampires become real.
(9:04) Title sequence. This thing is so great, but the smoking red lips always bothered me.
(9:07)  Sookie is half-fairy, which means that her power could run out. I’m excited; it means less time in this burlesque Disney cartoon that’s a safe house from good taste.
(9:07) “We fae are capable of things you haven’t even begun to explore.” Stop abbreviating everything. Stop foreshadowing. Stop.
(9:08) Fun fact: the coroner’s assistant used to be played by the wheelchair-guy from Glee. I really hope he returns from the dead to say one, innocuous line.
(9:09) Sam found the Obama masks with his canine-strength nose. How Scooby Doo of him.
(9:09) He’s rolling on the floor. Yes. We get it. Thanks for rubbing our noses in your dogness.
(9:10) Hoyt belongs to a vampire hate group that wants us to believe that “hate groups is about more than hate.”
(9:10) The hate group is run by someone named Dragon. Of course.
(9:11) Hoyt now hates vampires? Like, after a few drinks with strangers he went from fang-banger to vampire hater. I call foul.
(9:11) Someone explain to me why these two randos jinxed each other on some throwaway line? Please? Anyone?
(9:13) Tech-savvy Molly is my favorite.
(9:15) Salome dug up Russell. Survey says… duh.
(9:17) Now there’s going to be some sort of ceremony that initiates Russell into the Sanguinistas? And Eric and Bill think it’s a good idea to attend?
(9:17) Alcide is shirtless. If you’re playing along at home, mark that on your bingo card.
(9:20) Arlene, step away from your wedding videos. That’s not doing anyone any good.
(9:21) You brought this video to work? This show, so illogical tonight.
(9:23) Still. Watching. The. Wedding. Video. Ugh. Stop.
(9:24) I miss Pam.
(9:27) “Experimental male enhancement ointment” was said and now my ears are bleeding.
(9:29) So Jesús’ grandfather wants to kill Lafayette to steal back his powers?
(9:31) Guys, Sam didn’t ask to be called a superhero.
(9:32) Guy, Sam keeps talking like he’s in a superhero movie.
(9:33) I’m so glad they let the interns write this episode.
(9:33) This is not a drill. I repeat. This is not a drill. Pam’s hair is crimped.
(9:37) They’re talking about Lilith. Less of this, please.
(9:37) Russell just beheaded Chancellor Braun. I’m surprisingly indifferent.
(9:38) Let the blood of Lilith be poisoned! Let it be poisoned! Let it be poisoned!
(9:39) Oh, they’re just high.
(9:40) Pam deserves a “World’s Greatest Maker” mug.
(9:42) Lafayette’s mouth is stitched up, there’s a demon baby about to be born, and we’ve just going to keep believing this is premium television.
(9:43) Pregnant lady, crazy on demon baby hormones, just stabbed Jesús’ grandfather to death. Body count: three.
(9:48) And now we’ve entered the Smash cross-promotion portion.
(9:49) Wow, that was a bloodbath (I’m talking about the acting/writing, not Russell’s destruction of innocents at some bar).
(9:50) “Suicide is for Muslims,” said Patrick. Yup, this war subplot managed to get worse.
(9:53) Sookie is going to waste her powers so she can be normal. Color me shocked.
(9:55) Jason shot Jessica in the head because she was feeding on some random hottie. Hey, girl’s gotta feed.
(9:57) Back to the bloodbath with Russell and friends. Lilith just materialized out of the floor—you can see her whoo-ha.
(9:58) I give up. The ghost of Godric appeared and told Eric that feeding like this is wrong.
(9:58) Oh good, it was just a Lilith hallucination. We shouldn’t know what the vampire god’s nipples look like.

 

Jason Sweeten is a contributing writer for Queerty. He’s impressed that the show found so many sharks to jump in one episode.

Photo credit: John P. Johnson/ HBO

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13 Comments

  • MJ (different from the other one)

    I’m so confused

  • raisedsouth

    lol hilarious

  • Belize

    “I really hope he returns to just say one, innocuous line.”

    I’m sure that as the person tasked to review this show, you’d pay enough attention to know that he died in Season 1.

    “He might not always succeed, but at least it won’t be boring.”

    This is my first time reading these “recaps.” I don’t think I’ll ever do it again. I just wasted a few minutes of my life and I didn’t even laugh.

    Sorry.

  • Brandon

    11:45 The reality that Chris Meloni “died” without contributing significant nudity has kicked in.

  • Cyn

    LMAO!!! Best thing out of True Blood in years!

  • Stepen

    Ok. So we got a play by play by a someone who it sounds like just needs masterpiece theater.

  • Mal Tempo

    You missed the point that Russell was feeding on the only 10 year old blond boy in the establishment.

  • Ryan

    So this is like a parody of a catty, vapid, unfunny queen, right?

  • POOPONTOP^

    LOL. BRB, I’m making Dragon’s fan group on Facebook.

  • Sed

    That wasn’t Russell feeding on the little boy that was the perv vampire that the Authority had locked up.

    I get that child molester rape children but I don’t need to actually see it on screen. I’d like to punch whoever thought that showing that was a good idea in the face.

  • Gauthier

    @Belize: Are you being wilfully moronic? He LITERALLY says “I hope he returns FROM THE DEAD”. If you can’t even be arsed to quote properly, or even read the article with half an eye for that matter, why do you bother commenting? And you haven’t even read the other ones? Sorry to inform you boo boo, but you seem to be dumb as fuck. Please refrain from commenting until you’ve educated yourself.

  • Aaron

    If they know what good for them, they better bring back Roman. He is a God

Comments are closed.