True Blood Recap Roulette: Lilith Fan Fair, Or Bourbon Street Bloodbath

Anyone can just spell out what happened on last night’s episode of True Blood. In fact, you can’t swing a dead shapeshifter without hitting someone’s recaps.

So every week this season, Queerty contributor Jason Sweeten is going to give us a different spin on the previous night’s episode: it might be a screenshot slideshow, a sock-puppet re-enactment, or even some Kabuki theater. (If we can just get the budget approved). He might not always succeed, but at least it won’t be boring.

This Week: “Live” Blogging!

(9:00) Why is there a Newsroom promo right now? We’ve all heard enough about that show. This is just overkill.
(9:01) Previously on True Blood: Roman wore that golf shirt.
(9:01) Still previously-ing…  I’m glad that characters are calling the ifrit a “smoke monster.” This lets us know that the writers have no issue with stealing ideas.
(9:02) Wait, Russell actually killed Roman? I didn’t think they had the guts for that.
(9:03)  Russell is running around. UV! Night vision! Guards! Seizers!
(9:03)  Security captured Russell in a silver net. Note to self: invest in precious metals once vampires become real.
(9:04) Title sequence. This thing is so great, but the smoking red lips always bothered me.
(9:07)  Sookie is half-fairy, which means that her power could run out. I’m excited; it means less time in this burlesque Disney cartoon that’s a safe house from good taste.
(9:07) “We fae are capable of things you haven’t even begun to explore.” Stop abbreviating everything. Stop foreshadowing. Stop.
(9:08) Fun fact: the coroner’s assistant used to be played by the wheelchair-guy from Glee. I really hope he returns from the dead to say one, innocuous line.
(9:09) Sam found the Obama masks with his canine-strength nose. How Scooby Doo of him.
(9:09) He’s rolling on the floor. Yes. We get it. Thanks for rubbing our noses in your dogness.
(9:10) Hoyt belongs to a vampire hate group that wants us to believe that “hate groups is about more than hate.”
(9:10) The hate group is run by someone named Dragon. Of course.
(9:11) Hoyt now hates vampires? Like, after a few drinks with strangers he went from fang-banger to vampire hater. I call foul.
(9:11) Someone explain to me why these two randos jinxed each other on some throwaway line? Please? Anyone?
(9:13) Tech-savvy Molly is my favorite.
(9:15) Salome dug up Russell. Survey says… duh.
(9:17) Now there’s going to be some sort of ceremony that initiates Russell into the Sanguinistas? And Eric and Bill think it’s a good idea to attend?
(9:17) Alcide is shirtless. If you’re playing along at home, mark that on your bingo card.
(9:20) Arlene, step away from your wedding videos. That’s not doing anyone any good.
(9:21) You brought this video to work? This show, so illogical tonight.
(9:23) Still. Watching. The. Wedding. Video. Ugh. Stop.
(9:24) I miss Pam.
(9:27) “Experimental male enhancement ointment” was said and now my ears are bleeding.
(9:29) So Jesús’ grandfather wants to kill Lafayette to steal back his powers?
(9:31) Guys, Sam didn’t ask to be called a superhero.
(9:32) Guy, Sam keeps talking like he’s in a superhero movie.
(9:33) I’m so glad they let the interns write this episode.
(9:33) This is not a drill. I repeat. This is not a drill. Pam’s hair is crimped.
(9:37) They’re talking about Lilith. Less of this, please.
(9:37) Russell just beheaded Chancellor Braun. I’m surprisingly indifferent.
(9:38) Let the blood of Lilith be poisoned! Let it be poisoned! Let it be poisoned!
(9:39) Oh, they’re just high.
(9:40) Pam deserves a “World’s Greatest Maker” mug.
(9:42) Lafayette’s mouth is stitched up, there’s a demon baby about to be born, and we’ve just going to keep believing this is premium television.
(9:43) Pregnant lady, crazy on demon baby hormones, just stabbed Jesús’ grandfather to death. Body count: three.
(9:48) And now we’ve entered the Smash cross-promotion portion.
(9:49) Wow, that was a bloodbath (I’m talking about the acting/writing, not Russell’s destruction of innocents at some bar).
(9:50) “Suicide is for Muslims,” said Patrick. Yup, this war subplot managed to get worse.
(9:53) Sookie is going to waste her powers so she can be normal. Color me shocked.
(9:55) Jason shot Jessica in the head because she was feeding on some random hottie. Hey, girl’s gotta feed.
(9:57) Back to the bloodbath with Russell and friends. Lilith just materialized out of the floor—you can see her whoo-ha.
(9:58) I give up. The ghost of Godric appeared and told Eric that feeding like this is wrong.
(9:58) Oh good, it was just a Lilith hallucination. We shouldn’t know what the vampire god’s nipples look like.

Jason Sweeten is a contributing writer for Queerty. He’s impressed that the show found so many sharks to jump in one episode.

Photo credit: John P. Johnson/ HBO