YOU'LL GO BLIND!

WATCH: Mormon-Produced Video Wants You To Stop Masturbating So Much

“We must not underestimate the danger,” intones a God-like voice in a video designed to warn people about the wrath they’ll face if they dare touch their own tools. “We must be vigilant and valiant.” Eh, speak for yourself, big guy.

The voice actually belongs to Kim B. Clark, president of Brigham Young University-Idaho, who produced this PSA to stop the insanity of chronic knob-thumping. He also wants students to rat on their roommates whenever they walk in and catch them making the most of their limited alone-time.

“A lonely confused young man gets addicted to pornography and stops going to church,” he reveals, before very slowly adding “the young man is spiritually wounded on the battlefield of the great war.” Nah, he just needs to relieve some tension, dude, you should try it sometime.

Clark reallllly doesn’t want his students to rub one out. So as if his narration isn’t getting the point across, the young man in Clark’s video, who just wanted to get off, closes his laptop and is suddenly transported to a battlefield for some incredibly heavy-handed imagery of another soldier rushing to rescue him. So as far as we can tell the message Clark has imparted is: If you catch a buddy jerking off, be sure to lend him a hand.