We wish we could explain the internet trajectory that led us to this 1995 interview between the kids at babysue and Jesus in which Jesus shares his thoughts on homosexuality, but it’s all sort of a blur. Regardless, we thought we’d pass it along to you because we think it’s funny. If any of you have Jerry Falwell’s email address, we suggest you send it along.
Babysue: Would you forgive a person for being gay if he loved you?
Jesus Christ: I don’t forgive nobody for nothing.
BS: What did God tell you about Homosexuality?
JC: When I was only 5 years old, God greased up my carrot and held it in his hand. As he lovingly stroked my onions he told me, “Son, don’t you ever let any man do what I’m doing to you right now. Only stick your carrot into barnholes. Carrots go into barnholes. Got that? Don’t you go sticking your carrot into another man’s mouth or mystery hole…or you’ll DIE and go to HELL.”
BS: And did you believe him?
JC: I sure did! If I hadn’t believed what he told me, you can bet I would have acted on my desires long ago and jumped every man on earth.
BS: What? What did you say?!?
JC: Don’t you get it? All men are homosexuals! But God says it’s wrong, so no one is supposed to act on their true desires! That’s the basis of Christianity. You’re not supposed to do the things you really want to do. Next question.
BS: How big are you, Jesus?
JC: As you might have guessed, I have a huge carrot and I’m uncut. You can hold it if you like. No…wait. That would be wrong. Very, very wrong.
His words say “no”, but his erection says “yes”.
Andrew
Jesus was Jewish, so he was definitely cut. Unless it grew back due to some sort of miracle.
Alex Blase
Yeah, I’m pretty sure he was cut too. But everything else mentioned there I’d be willing to believe.
TJ Ian
So wrong yet so darned funny. Love this post đ
RSL
You might want to reverse the initials on the last two questions. I’m pretty sure JC doesn’t ask “next question?” then respond by asking a question to BS. Heh.