Queerty is blowing a sloppy, hopefully germ-filled Bronx cheer at Patrick Guerriero, on the occasion of his declaration that “gay conservatives” should pretty please with a cherry on top come out of the closet. In the declaration, he says that “we” should do what’s possible to “prevent the radical right from hijacking the Republican Party,” as if that hadn’t happened already. Since Stonewall and indeed before, the very definition of a conservative in American politics must include the fact that conservatives as a group are hostile to progress in gay rights.

So what in the name of Hedi Slimane is any self-respecting homosexual doing in the Republican so-called Party? You couldn’t drag us into the Log Cabin if you told us Abe Lincoln was inside with a raging hard-on and that Mary Todd was there with a camcorder to capture his first gay sexual experience. In his declaration, Patricia Guerriero states that he is opposed to unauthorized outings in the media, supporting his opinion by claiming that there are lots of gay conservatives in Washington quietly working behind the closet door to further our rights. Mary, you should sell that line for use in a stand-up comedy act.

Nor is opposition to gay rights the only thing unconscionable about opinion currently labeled “conservative” in the United States. Goose-stepping compliance with Bush’s invasion of a foreign country was bad enough; sitting idly by while he served the natives white phosphorous cocktails worse still. And how bout them Kyoto Protocols? Bush told the world they are for sissies, and the closeted sissies on his side politically cheered his rejection of them. Patricia Guerriero’s recent declaration is more evidence of how gays who align themselves with “conservatives” contribute to pollution. Not that we’re opinionated, but yeccchhhh, can somebody tell us how to clean up this sludge?