Here are five words nobody should ever hear after coming out of the closet, least of all from their own father: “This is worse than death.”
Sadly, that’s just one of the remarks that a fifteen-year-old Vancouver, Canada boy named Tyler was met with when he came out to his dad via Facebook messenger.
Tyler posted the conversation, which occurred during the winter, to his Tumblr account. Since then it’s attracted attention for being a harsh reminder of the struggle people face to find acceptance.
After posting a coming out on his Facebook page and telling his sisters and mother, Tyler moved onto his dad. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy.
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Here’s more of Dad’s response: “We took care of you since you were a baby. We loved you, took care of you when you’re sick. Lost many days and nights in all your fifteen years. [Now] this is what we get in return, shame and embarrassment…Take out your post from the social media. You embarrass me… I’m going to puke.”
Still, Tyler is hoping for resolution some day soon. He told HuffPost:
“I’m hoping there’s still the possibility that he could change, even it takes while. Maybe he could accept me, because that’s all I want… I just want him to be there for me.”
Here’s the conversation Tyler posted:
twospirit
Tyler’s father sounds like a very sick individual; seems it’s “all about him,” (and he is accusing his son of this very thing he himself is portraying); he’s not taking into account his son’s feelings at all…
Another example of someone who has misinterpreted religious writings to spew hatred in a world with too much of this already, and is justifying playing the “victim”…
A therapist would have his work cut out if dad was willing to enter treatment…
Darson
Sorry people. I always do the eyeroll when the family is amazingly super supportive from the get go. This reaction, however disgusting, is what happens the majority of the time.
Giancarlo85
I hope for his sake that his dad could change too. That is a horrible reaction…
He needs to stay strong. Easier said then done really. Luckily he does have the support of other family members including his mom.
MacAdvisor
@Darson: “This reaction, however disgusting, is what happens the majority of the time.”
I am not sure that is true any more. While this reaction is not uncommon, I doubt it is the majority anymore. A significant majority of Americans approve of same-sex marriage so I hardly think a majority would react so negatively to their own child.
nocibur61739
Hopefully the son can keep away from the dad since he [“dad”] stated that “I might turn out to be a criminal”! The son needs to turn to his real family and friends. This “Dad” makes ME want to puke.
Tommysole
My dads reaction was not this bad, although it was not nice.
aliengod
This is a horrible way for the father to respond. However, it’s a personal matter that will only be worsened by the kid posting it on social media for all to see. I don’t think that’s going to improve relations with his father. The immaturity of youth I suppose.
Raphael
Are we sure that this real? To me, all this reaction and rage seems fake… and who says “social media” instead of facebook?
Milk
Dear dad, having a child is not an investment. You do not get to expect anything. Otherwise please do not have any children. You do not have the selflessness to be a father. If you think being gay is worst than death, why don’t you go ahead and died since you will be better of. Despite the major advance of gay rights in Canada, we still get dinosaurs that can’t see past their own insecurity and actually embrace people as who they are. A father who cannot love his own son is not much of a human being to the rest of the world.
David
I read an article about a devout Christian woman on her way to her daughter’s gay wedding. She was asking her god what could be worse. In her head, she heard the words, “You could be on your way to your daughter’s funeral.”
DonW
@Raphael: Yes, I’m always a little skeptical when gay media just broadcast the latest dramatic post from social media as fact.
This one might be real — there are certainly a–hole fathers like that. But when phony claims of discrimination end up being later exposed (like the waitress who faked a homophobic note), it just hurts the credibility of people who truly have suffered.
I wish there was more good old-fashioned journalism going on: verify facts before you publish.
Billy Budd
He is afraid HIS own image will be damaged due to his son being gay. He an egomaniac and incapable of showing empathy towards his son.
Josh in OR
I remember how my father reacted to discovering I am gay. I was twenty-one, had recently broken up with my (female) fiancé, and was out to my mom and sister before moving back home to figure out what was next. We had gone to California to visit family, while Dad remained behind due to work. While there, my father – who works for a major anti-virus developer – decided he would surprise me by installing the latest version of the program onto my PC. When we returned home, I noticed that the cord that connected my pc to the modem – this was back in the days of dial up – was gone, but it didn’t quite click until I sat down at my PC and…rather than the Siouxsie and the Banshees theme I had left up, there was a pic of three guys…getting intimate. I recognized the image – it had been in my porn folder, of course – but I had NOT had it up. I got confused…and then a Word Doc opened up as my desktop finished booting…
“Josh –
You have 60 days to get out of my house. I found your filthy little collection, and I refuse to live in a house with someone with your tastes. Pun intended. Don’t get your sister involved in trying to change my mind or I’ll kick her ass out too. This is a Christian home and I won’t be undermined in deciding what kind of sin is not accepted in my house.
If you tell your mother that I’m kicking you out, I’ll tell her why. Be a man for once in your life and deal with the consequences of your decisions.”
Needless to say, I called my mother, showed her the note, and said ‘Now what?’ She shook her head and scowled at me. ‘Get the porn off your comPuter. You know I don’t care that you’re gay, but you also know I don’t like porn in my house. Get it gone, and don’t worry. I’ll deal with your father.’ When he got home, they hollered at one anther for an hour or so, and then my father didn’t speak to me for six months. Not ONE word. And I left him alone to avoid being seen as ‘provoking him’.
In the long run, he’s come around…mostly. He accepts me now, and he accepts that my soul ate is a man…but he still thinks its a ‘choice’ I made somewhere along the line and that ‘it’s between you and God, not you and me.’ So…long story short, it gets better…but it’ll take time. And compromise. A father who LOVES his child will come around, one way or another…and if he DOESN’T…then it’s HIS loss, not the kids’, and the kid’ll be better off without that negativity in his life.
Josh in OR
*soul Mate…
Apologies for spelling errors. My iPod screen isn’t the best for writing long posts…
NoCagada
Dad’s just worried he’ll have more competition at the truck stops.
tardis
This doesn’t seem legit to me. The writing seems very juvinle. There’s a chance that it is real, but I’m doubting the authenticity of this story.
TheNewEnergyDude
“if only you didn’t reject god and his teachings”…
Well, that pretty much says it all right there. The loser father is beyond any changing of the mind. The kid should count his blessings, ditch the dad and avoid fighting a futile effort
Glucklich
“…Came out to his dad via FaceBook.” Sensitive matters should not be broached first via a FB message. While I feel bad for the boy, even a fifteen year-old should have had some idea the news would not be well-received. The father’s reaction is certainly unfortunate but a thoughtful discussion after testing the waters first may have softened the blow. I’m thirty-five so it wasn’t SOOOOO long ago I was a gay fifteen year old, but even then I knew my parents well enough to keep the gay thing to myself. To this day, I have never said to them “I am gay;” my life speaks for itself and luckily I never caught any grief for it.
Giancarlo85
@Glucklich: Maybe he knew how his father was like and couldn’t face him. And I’m not sure if you could really judge… maybe his father would have had a violent reaction if he told him face to face.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/28/family-son-coming-out-gay-video_n_5731462.html
Like what happened to this guy! Maybe it was a judgment call the kid in this case could make only on his own. Yes he’s 15 and young… but he knows his own family.
jwtraveler
Yup, some parents suck.
DarkZephyr
@Darson: “Sorry people. I always do the eyeroll when the family is amazingly super supportive from the get go.”
Why do you roll your eyes? I don’t understand.
Dirk12
It was about 11 years ago, I told my dad I was gay. He said something very similar to me, that Tyler’s father said, that he wished he was dead, threatened to beat me up, and then contemplated his own suicide due to the news. I grew up in NY and homophobia is a very real thing… Feel blessed for those of you that had understanding parents… My heart goes out to this young man and keep on fighting the good fight…. It does get better Tyler….
Goforit
@aliengod: Really? Lets see what options the kid had. 1. Post your coming out on Facebook. 2. Stay in the closet until Dad dies. 3. Tell Dad one on one and have the Christian brainwashed homophobic bigot beat the crap out of you. Which one would you chose? “The immaturity of youth”? I don’t think so. The immaturity of the “father”.
shle896
I am surprised to read that a few on here think this kind of vicious reaction is the “norm”. Maybe thirty years or forty years ago it was, but things have changed a great deal and they’re only getting better.
I guess I was lucky. When I came out to my Midwestern, church-going parents twenty years ago, they couldn’t have been any more supportive and loving. In fact, my dad called up all eight of his brothers and sisters (my aunts and uncles) to spread the word and he made it clear that our rather large extended family better not treat me any differently than they did before or he was DONE with them. I only found that out later, and thankfully nobody had a problem with it and they made sure I felt just as loved and accepted as all my cousins did.
I feel for this kid, but the problem isn’t with him, it’s with his hateful, scared and ignorant father. In retrospect, the kid probably should have waited until he was out of the house and over 18. His backwoods father is a good-for-nothing piece of garbage who doesn’t deserve a son or daughter, straight or gay. What a sickening response.
Dakotahgeo
I hate to say it but this dolt is no Christian father! christian, yes; Christian, NO! There is a big difference between c and C! Pastor Dak!
jwtraveler
@NoCagada: Yes, of course. All homophobes are really gay. The real straight people all love us.
sectbrawn
Because clearly, the appropriate way to handle coming out is via instant message and then posting the conversation. Are you even kidding me? Typical self-centered millennial thinking.
Giancarlo85
@Goforit: Ignore aliengod. He never posts a coherent argument. And he probably had a really easy family to come out. If he is even out to begin with.
Giancarlo85
@sectbrawn: How the heck would you know? Typical know it all. As said, if he told his father face to face the encounter could have turned violent.
I just love it when some play the hoiler than thou attitude and act as if the kid here is to blame. Seriously, get a fucking grip.
jason smeds
Just another typical open-minded Canadian dad….
Ridpathos
This was exactly, and I mean almost EXACTLY my parents’ reactions. Except they did it verbally for the most part.
Realitycheck
Where is the love? I don’t get these kind of people they have children
and love them until they found out they are gay and suddenly the kids are
out on the street? How does that work? A parent love is supposed to be
unconditional.
I told my very religious mother when I was eighteen, and all she said I want you to be happy, I love you.
That is how a parent should react.
AtticusBennett
http://littlekiwilovesbauhaus.blogspot.ca/2011/04/fathers-message.htm
words from my dad, that the father in this story should take to heart.
you know, every time i read stories like this it just drives home how ASININE anti-gay prejudices are. the dude has been gay his entire life. this son he loved was GAY every day that his father loved him, and was proud of him. nothing has changed, except the father has been let in on the truth.
and now he’s mad, at his son, for being gay.
you might as well be mad at your son for being his height, or for having brown hair.
the misinformation about homosexuality is so bloody infuriating. and this nonsense is exacerbated by those self-hatign homophobes who tout “leaving the lifestyle”, and the bigots who insist it’s an Affliction of sorts.
the ignorance is staggering. the hatred appalling. and this man is a failure of a father.
but it’s not too late. call PFLAG. pronto.
gaym50ish
In truly loving families, there is no trauma in the process of coming out, because the son or daughter will have known since early childhood that the parents understand and accept gay people as equals.
The more children parents have, the greater the odds that at least one will be gay. But the problem is that parents expect their children to be straight, and are either silent or negative on the subject until that wrenching coming-out moment. There shouldn’t be any such expectation that your kids will be straight, nor should parents let a kid suffer in silence for years, not knowing how they are going to react. The gay kid should already KNOW what their reaction will be.
When you read coming-out stories, even those that turn out positively, notice how many of them involve a period of “stand-off” that is not healthy for anyone. The parents say, “We always knew, but we didn’t want to bring it up until you were ready to tell us.” The child says, “I wanted to tell you a long time ago, but I was afraid of how you would react.”
The result is that the kid goes through a living hell before finally deciding to come out, and that could be so easily avoided if parents would understand that ANY of their children could discover in puberty that they like the same ses.
Austin77
This is just a reminder for all the “things are improving” crowd:
Yes, they are – but mostly for adults. Some of that carries over to kids, but more kids coming out earlier (as they should have the right to do without consequence) also means more kids being exposed to bigotry from their families.
From: http://nationalhomeless.org/factsheets/lgbtq.html
20% of homeless youth are LGBT. In comparison, the general youth population is only 10% LGBT.
While homeless youth typically experience severe family conflict as the primary reason for their homelessness, LGBT youth are twice as likely to experience sexual abuse before the age of 12.
LGBT youth, once homeless, are at higher risk for victimization, mental health problems, and unsafe sexual practices. 58.7% of LGBT homeless youth have been sexually victimized compared to 33.4% of heterosexual homeless youth.
LGBT youth are roughly 7.4 times more likely to experience acts of sexual violence than heterosexual homeless youth.
LGBT homeless youth commit suicide at higher rates (62%) than heterosexual homeless youth (29%).
And this is just the kids being forced out; how many get shoved into “reparative” or “corrective” “therapy”? How many commit suicide before any of that happens?
So, no, it’s not all rosy portraits and happily-ever-afters. Those are nice, and they’re great feel-good moments, and luckily they’re happening more often than they used to – but they’re still far too uncommon.
Atrius
His father is a self-centered douche bag.
drivendervish
Whether this conversation is real or not doesn’t matter because gay teens encounter this kind of reaction or worse from their fathers everyday. Tyler is very brave and should be commended because I am sure he knew what to expect from good old dad! The real evil scum in Tyler’s life is his dad. I hope that some otherwise intelligent straight people who think being gay is a choice will ask themselves why a young kid would risk being totally ostracized from their family and thrown out on the street if they could choose to be straight?
Captain Obvious
Internet stories… why are people so quick to buy this stuff all the time?
Giancarlo85
@Austin77: You are correct. And I’ve been quite dismayed about how many gay activists have only focused on same sex marriage. I’m all for same sex marriage, but I think we are forgetting those kids out on the streets. Those who get kicked out and disowned. Same sex marriage is nice, but it doesn’t help them.