A gay man recently wrote into a U.K. sex expert asking how he and his partner might include food in their bedroom shenanigans.
“My boyfriend and I are quite adventurous when it comes to the bedroom and we’re wondering whether we could use fruits and vegetables and other foods as part of our activities?” the man asked. “Is it dangerous to insert things like cucumbers and carrots?”
The sexpert responded by saying fruits and vegetables are “a great way to excite and reignite your sex life,” provided they are used responsibly.
“Using soft fleshy, non-acidic fruit such as honeydew melons or watermelons can be an exciting way to get new sensations,” the sexpert suggested. “Simply put a hole in it and thrusting in and out will provide interesting brand new feelings.”
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Interesting, indeed.
“Alternatively you can always use other foodstuffs such as chocolate spreads or even Marmite,” the sexpert continued.
In case you’re wondering what the hell Marmite is, it’s a thick, sticky, salty brown paste made from yeast extract.
“To answer your question about carrots and cucumbers,” the sexpert advised, “extreme caution must be used when inserting anything into your butt that doesn’t have a handle or give good grip. Many people have ended up in A&E after failing to retrieve a cucumber, banana or carrot lodged in their rectums. A painful experience that can actually lead to death if left untreated. We would urge anyone who has gotten anything stuck up there to seek medical advice immediately, no matter how embarrassed you feel.”
Good to know!
The sexpert then recommends the couple use a proper dildo or vibrator for any sort of anal play, but “if you are going to insert a carrot, gherkin, cucumber or banana, make sure you’re relaxed. Some of these vegetables can be much larger than a penis, so using lots of lube and taking your time is a must.”
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Jerome Robertson
not into sex with my food
Billy Budd
It is best to buy proper toys.
Rob Laughlin
Just make sure he washes his hands very well after cooking with peppers.
Leonardo Fabio Alvarez Miranda
que rico
Bauhaus
I could never get into mixing food and sex. The most sensual and moving experiences in life: food, sex, music, are all too intense for me to partake in simultaneously. It’s sensory system overload. To each his own, though.
SteveDenver
PEANUT BUTTER is awesome for oral. It’s sticky and takes some licking to get off, but it’s not — for me — cloying and sweet as honey.
Jonty Coppersmith
@Bauhaus:
You never have music playing in the background to set the mood?
Giancarlo85
Dildo.
That’s my only comment.
Scribe38
@Giancarlo85: I will that comment and raise you caramel sauce on the nipples.
polarisfashion
@Scribe38: Switch out the caramel sauce for some ranch dressing and you got a deal! 😛
Scribe38
@polarisfashion: LMAO!
Bauhaus
@Jonty Coppersmith:
I always have music playing, but not to set the mood. Certain music puts me in the mood, that’s for sure. I super-focus.
QJ201
So you can go online and email a question, but you can’t google “Is a cucumber up my butt safe?”
Billy Budd
I like butt plugs. Sometime I use one while I am topping. But I would never insert a carrot or a cucumber. I don t wanna end up in the ER with difficult questions to answer.
Cobalt Blue
Buy using all these vegetables people will end up to bear beings that are half humans and half cucumbers.
hyhybt
@QJ201: Asking the internet at large such a question leaves open the problem of which of the answers you find is correct.
Whatever you do, be sure to throw the cucumbers or carrots AWAY when you’re done! Under no circumstances should they still be considered food afterwards.
Mykaels
Marshmellow paste. Cause you have to really lick and suck to get that shit off.
Just a suggestion
Andrew Vermaak
Ew. What are they gonna do with that food when they’ve finished with it in the bedroom. ð??±
petensfo
And when these boys throw a dinner party… be sure to pass on the first course salad!
da90027
As long as you dont do it in the produce section go for it lesbians have been using Daikon Radishes for decades…lol
Sweet Boy
They should try with a pineapple…that should add a new thrill
Bob LaBlah
Wow! And to think I thought we were wild in my day by putting ice cream in our “tossed salad”.
Chris
Mimosas and breakfast in bed, on trays, with coffee refills nearby do it for me.
Bauhaus
@Bob LaBlah:
Good grief.