A gay man recently wrote into a U.K. sex expert asking how he and his partner might include food in their bedroom shenanigans.
“My boyfriend and I are quite adventurous when it comes to the bedroom and we’re wondering whether we could use fruits and vegetables and other foods as part of our activities?” the man asked. “Is it dangerous to insert things like cucumbers and carrots?”
The sexpert responded by saying fruits and vegetables are “a great way to excite and reignite your sex life,” provided they are used responsibly.
“Using soft fleshy, non-acidic fruit such as honeydew melons or watermelons can be an exciting way to get new sensations,” the sexpert suggested. “Simply put a hole in it and thrusting in and out will provide interesting brand new feelings.”
“Alternatively you can always use other foodstuffs such as chocolate spreads or even Marmite,” the sexpert continued.
In case you’re wondering what the hell Marmite is, it’s a thick, sticky, salty brown paste made from yeast extract.
“To answer your question about carrots and cucumbers,” the sexpert advised, “extreme caution must be used when inserting anything into your butt that doesn’t have a handle or give good grip. Many people have ended up in A&E after failing to retrieve a cucumber, banana or carrot lodged in their rectums. A painful experience that can actually lead to death if left untreated. We would urge anyone who has gotten anything stuck up there to seek medical advice immediately, no matter how embarrassed you feel.”
Good to know!
The sexpert then recommends the couple use a proper dildo or vibrator for any sort of anal play, but “if you are going to insert a carrot, gherkin, cucumber or banana, make sure you’re relaxed. Some of these vegetables can be much larger than a penis, so using lots of lube and taking your time is a must.”