A man on Reddit hated his effeminate mannerisms, so he made a conscious effort to act more traditionally masculine. Now he wonders if he’s being untrue to himself.
“Growing up I was very effeminate,” the post begins. “I got a lot of flack for it as a kid.”
As a result, the man says, he developed “a major inferiority complex.”
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He continues, “In recent years I became more confident and learned to stop comparing myself to others, and in turn, I was able to feel more comfortable while being masculine. I did make an active decision to change my mannerisms, purely because I didn’t like the way I looked in the mirror when I had effeminate gestures/mannerisms.”
The man goes on to say that his friends have started referring to him as “straight passing,” which has started to cause a rift between them.
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“These gay friends of mine are very feminine,” the man explains. “Recently, they’ve kind of accused me of being untrue to myself and self-hating for changing. They said if having feminine mannerisms comes natural to me then I should just embrace it rather than conform to society’s ideals and gender norms.”
“But am I conforming?” he wonders. “I simply just don’t like the way I look with feminine gestures/mannerisms and decided to change it.”
“Am I not being true to myself and self-hating for butching up my mannerisms when I’ve been effeminate all my life?”
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Naturally, his fellow Reddit users had lots to say.
“As long as you feel more comfortable now, I don’t see any problem,” one person replies.
“I’m in the same boat as you,” another person adds. “Sometimes when I drink my pinky goes up. I changed that simply because it irritates me when I do that. We all have this image in our head of who we want to be and I didn’t want to be the guy who sips his drink with his pinky up.”
“Being true to yourself literally means doing whatever comes naturally to you and makes you happy,” a third person says. “If butching up makes you happy and more confident, butch it up.”
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But not everyone seems to agree.
“I mean… you changed your mannerisms because you hated them,” someone else writes. “I think that should answer your question enough. You did it because you were ostracized and picked on for your femininity, and you wanted to be able to pass by fitting societies standards.”
Another person adds: “I think that when you say you made an active decision to change your mannerisms purely because you didn’t like the way you looked in the mirror when you were more effeminate, you’re underplaying the pressure you were clearly under to conform to a particular way of being a man. That sounds like it required/requires a huge amount of effort and energy and self-policing, and I couldn’t imagine having to live that way.”
“If being ‘true to yourself’ makes you uncomfortable, then you’re not being true to yourself, you’re being true to someone’s expectation of you,’ a third person chimes in. “Tell them to go fuck a potato and just be you.”
What do you think? Is this man’s intentional “butching up” of his mannerisms the outward manifestation of a deep-seed self-hated? Sound off in the comments section below.
Eldred
Ha! Why is there a picture of Josh Rimer, though?
Eldred
Josh: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UiuEOGiQc28
Amaurys Arias
If that’s not who you are. Your question is answered. Gay men should learn to accept and appreciate their femininity.
Eddie Nieves
U r!
GC1985
Putting up that fake masculine front is not helping you. I can’t stand guys who try to act uber masculine, yet are the most hateful. They spew venom towards gay men who are feminine. As far this story… Its from reddit. If by some chance it is real, he needs to come to terms with himself and be free. Trying to be “one of the guys” is the biggest pile of dreck. Losers in our very community push masculinity as the only way. And you have to wonder why suicide rates are so high…
Will Glitzern
Looks like Duckie from Pretty in Pink
Brent Labee
he can always crank it up on the week ends
Keith Michael Patrick
the only problem with that is when you forget and a purse and high heels falls out of your mouth –
avesraggiana
I didn’t think it was possible for me to be any way other than girly, femmy, nelly, slutty-bottom ME. I always believed my effeminate mannerisms were preternatural and therefore impervious to any real change.
martinbakman
Kwearty is censoring my posts….so I’ll listen to others. Brian????
Chris
As he shows, mannerisms can be learned. He didn’t like one set, so he learned another. I fail to see the big deal, regardless his motivations.
Tracy Pope
I very often get the “I didn’t know you were gay” remarks and I always wonder how could they not know. I don’t understand making an effort to act any certain way and I can’t imagine being so unhappy with whatever mannerisms come naturally to you as to want to change. If every gay or bi man was just like the next we’d certainly be a boring lot.
The only advice I would give is love yourself enough to be yourself. Sometimes that takes more self-confidence than some have but if you can do that your mannerisms shouldn’t be of any concern.
Xzamilio
Yasssssss… man up, queen. Butch it up like me, girl. I’m so manly, my exfoliated pores exude testosterone.
avesraggiana
Ahahaha!!!! Good one, Girl!
Dave Downunder
Tracy like you I sometimes get the ‘I didn’t know you are gay’ comment and like you I am always shocked because I go through life thinking that everyone can tell I’m gay. I get a little taken back by it and quickly correct people because I don’t want to be accused of hiding anything.
I think there are those in the gay community that look down on effeminate men and perhaps make them feel like they should butch up. It’s the gay version of misogyny. I can understand that some people may not want to date effeminate men but there is a difference between dating them and knowing them socially.
Everyone should be allowed to be comfortable being who they are without being made to feel inadequate. If this guy was uncomfortable with his mannerisms he made the right choice to change them. I think it is his friends who are wrong for giving him a hard time about it.
jag4313
I’ve had to stop spending time with one of my friends because of this. When we are alone he is very chill, non-flamboyant and fun to be around. But once you add a few more people to the mix his flames rise high and he’s suddenly very annoying and I can’t stand to be around him like that. He says that’s the attitude people expect from “us” because we are gay. Ummm, no thank you.
I do not have any problems with flamboyant men. I do have a problem with people who think they should act a certain way for “approval” from others. Just be yourself and people will accept you the way you are. 🙂
Billy Budd
I am totally masculine and I feel attracted to other masculine guys. I have fucked, on occasion, feminine acting guys and it was OK. But what really attracts me is a MACHO man like myself. I must add that I don’t like muscled men. I tend to prefer young and lean men. But I want them to be butch.
Robothedestroyer
If he where to read this, I would say that either is fine. I’ve seen men on both ends of the spectrum completely flip. People simply change, and if going from fem to masc somehow fulfills a need he has go for it! Who knows a few years down the line he might end up a little fem again or even just finding a happy medium. Fem, masc, it makes.no difference really. Those are hetero ideals anyway I like to think gay men and women can play between the lines a little if they so choose.
SFHandyman
I have no problem with people being who they want, whether it is inborn or trained.
Lots of people go to speech therapy to get rid of speech impediments. I talked with a lisp until they sent me to speech therapy in first grade and they trained me how to make S sounds. Should I try to readopt the lisp just to be my “true self”? Dumb. There is no remnant of that lisp at all in my voice and hasn’t been for 50 years.
Some people do speech therapy to get rid of “gay speak”. That’s fine. Whatever makes you more comfortable.
Models learn to walk differently. Ballet dancers walk one way before training, but their normal walk changes after they’ve trained for a while.
In my 20’s I liked the way a gay friend walked. I just thought it was attractive and so I added some of his walk into my own gait.
Lot’s of people naturally or intentionally drop or adopt regional accents. Training to get rid of a foreign accent can be a wonderful thing for non-native speakers.
Do what makes you happy.
bottom250
This has made me cry. I am so proud of being extremely effeminate. I love my hyper “gay” speech, I love my limp wrist and my swish walk and my extreme feminine mannerisms. Sweethearts effeminate gay men are the strongest in the gay community because we carry on each day with our head held high even in the face of homophobia and by refusing the “norm” of masculinity in the gay community. Being a Queen is fabulous.
JessPH
Let him be what he wants to be. If he is more comfortable now by acting more masculine then we should be happy for him. It is not as if the guy is saying that being effeminate is wrong, he’s just not comfortable in being one.
avesraggiana
@Xzamilio: Ahahahaha!!!! Good one, Girl!
kevininbuffalo
“To thine own self be true” whatever it happens to be.
bottom250
@kevininbuffalo: Amen sweetie be your genuine self.
GC1985
@JessPH: Except he is basically suggesting he forced himself to change.
And to the guy talking about lisps… Stop watching so much TV. It isn’t just that
bottom250
@GC1985: honey many of us have the “gay lisp” it is very real. I have had it since I been talking.
GC1985
@bottom250: Re-read my POST. This time without thinking about sex.
“And to the guy talking about lisps… Stop watching so much TV. It isn’t just that”
I didn’t say I excluded it.
People who force themselves to speak a different way are weak. I’ll say that right now. People who are true to themselves have far more courage.
Alan David Smith
while you are talking actuall mannerism’s i learned for me it was as mutch attitude. when i felt forced to fit in the so called masculine world. i resented it. and i never could enjoy things. for me once i came out and said yes i like abba. i enjoyed ac/dc more. because i wasn’t forced. be true to all sides of yourself. my opinion.
bottom250
@GC1985: Hugs honey living your own fabulous genuine life is what matters
GC1985
I talk with a lisp myself, but that’s totally natural and how I’ve always been like. But there are many more elements of being feminine… and out. I’ve been called names like “f*g” more times than one can count, but I’m just being me.
By the way, I like soccer and listen to rock music (Rolling Stones). Yeah, I even play soccer. So much for the gendernorms nonsense.
Tracy Pope
@Dave Downunder:
I agree, he needs better friends. Ones who accept him for whoever he wants to be.
Also, you hit the nail on the head with your assessment of “gay misogyny”. Some think nothing of attacking our own AND using the same kind of reasoning as those attacking LGBTQ+. It’s senseless.
GC1985
@Tracy Pope: But many uber masculine gay men thinks being gay is all about being manly lol. They will attack one that blurs gender norms. It is disturbing that someone within our own community attack others in our community.
We must remove the bigots from our community… Like Trump supporters these guys have nothing helpful to add.
Tracy Pope
@GC1985: I know people who are that “uber masculine gay men”. Some of them are indeed stuck with that mindset. The 1950s era hetero man is their ideal.
When I was in college I tended bar in a biker bar. A lot of these men were Korean War vets that had been through more by the age of 21 than most anyone else ever will in their lifetime. Occasionally, a few patrons at the gay bar that my employer also owned stop in because they just wanted to see what it was like. The patrons of the biker bar – hetero men and their wives and girlfriends – always treated them just another person in the bar no matter what their mannerisms were. This even from the regulars at the biker bar who didn’t know I am bi. It’s a shame people in our own LGBTQ+ community turn on each other about mannerisms , as though that is what defines a person. It’s complete stupidity.
iggy6666
@GC1985: “It is disturbing that someone within our own community attacks others in our community”. Ummm. So basically what you do on a daily basis here in queerty land? !?! You can’t even finish your own comment without criticizing someone’s political view…
Terrycloth
Just eat , drink ,and be Mary !
bottom250
Just be your genuine self, sweethearts, and your life will be fabulous.
Baba Booey Fafa Fooey
I find gay men who attempt to “butch up” to be odd. I like watching them though. I wish I could turn away, though. They’re like a train wreck.
GC1985
@iggy6666: You have zero justification for that comment. I go after uber-masculine types on here and gay republicans. None of which have any justification for their positions.
You need to read my posts a bit more carefully instead of lashing out like a rabid animal.
Stached1
Of course he is.
@Baba Booey Fafa Fooey: LMAO very true.
iggy6666
@GC1985: lol…..so delusional!! go into almost any comment section and you will likely be reminded of your relentless rants and insults. The only “Rabid animal ” here is you bud. Definitely no Cujo either, more like a chihuahua. All bark and no bite
AtticusBennett
some people never learn to be comfortable with their gay identity, and waste years of their life adopting affectations in order to feel more secure; ironically, in their insecurity.
i feel bad for them. it’s a wasted life.
iggy6666
@AtticusBennett: then again you’re on a pedestal built by your very own hands.
But hey, you’ll always have YOUTUBE and your BLOG. When you’re old and senile you can look back and agree with your former self.