The “Girls” Emotional Age Recap: “I Get Ideas”

As fans of Girls know, Hannah, Marnie, Shoshanna, and Jessa are big on mouthiness but low on maturity. So each week, blogger Chris J. Kelly is grading the four main characters’ emotional ages based on their words and actions.

Chris took a semester of psychology so he’s, like, totally qualified.

Hannah
Emotional age: 14

Sadly, I’ve got to demote Ms. Horvath this week from her previous score of 16. She spends the entire episode focused only on her own needs, a defect that is blatant to her friends. She can’t be bothered to congratulate Marnie on her new job because she’s so busy comparing it to her crappy gig at Grumpy’s. When Elijah wants to stop talking about how George left, he just mentions Sandy and the conversation instantly and completely shifts back to Hannahland.

And speaking of Sandy, that breakup? She’s politically ambivalent until he critiques her precious essay, at which point she becomes the Sarah Palin of the left, mindlessly regurgitating talking points about which she knows precisely nothing.

Her aversion to handling her own life is so complete that she actually attempts to get a restraining order rather than manage Adam. (OK, his behavior this week was psychotic, but she has been sending some pretty mixed messages.)

Girl: you’re basic.

Marnie
Emotional age: mid-30s

Marnie holds onto her maturity from the debut episode, putting on a brave face for an interview with a woman she knows is horrible—and then accepting the ensuing defeat with composure.

The revelation that her dream job isn’t on the horizon doesn’t break Marnie: Rather, she takes stock of her current situation and skills and figures out how to apply them to her benefit. Her pragmatic, focused approach has left her gainfully employed and feeling empowered about her charisma and beauty. I guess it’s kind of sad that a woman who’s nearly 35 is still working as a hostess, but I’m sure she’ll make the best of it.

Shoshanna
Emotional age: 42

Who’d have thunk? Shosh found a man who finds her delightful and delights her in return. On top of that, it takes her maybe three minutes to review Marnie’s capabilities, choose an appropriate job for her, and call an agency that gets her hired. And all this without having to leave bed!

Shoshanna’s secretly the Miranda Priestly of Greenpoint, but with better relationships skills.

Jessa
Emotional age: 4

Another plateau. Where’s the growth, ladies? Jessa fancies herself an artist and a sage, but she lives in a land of make-believe, where having three puppies sounds like an awesome idea—and naming them Garbage, Fucker, and Hannukah sounds even better—having a job seems pointless, and talking to her in Brooklyn Bridge Park is literally the best thing that will happen to you in your whole life.

She’s fully supported, fully indulged, and fully oblivious. It’s a shame Super Nanny got canceled, because I’m foreseeing some major need here.

ODDS AND ENDS

• I couldn’t help but be amused that Hannah felt the need to wear aerobics gear that matched the instructor’s clothes in the video. She can’t do the workout, but she can nail the outfit.
• I never realized how dark and gray this show was until I had to color correct all four screencaps for this entry. I guess that’s how they let people know it’s really filmed in Brooklyn.
• Hannah looked really good in the scene where Adam burst into her apartment. She should wear her hair back more often. Thank heavens she didn’t go through with that idiot bangs thing. We can’t all be Michelle Obama.
• It’s a shame that Sandy’s Republicanism was never explored. It makes me wonder if Lena Dunham is as politically unaware as the character she portrays.
• Elijah’s going to get some redeeming qualities soon, right? He’s shallow, he’s bitchy, his hair is too big… he’s not just playing a stereotypical gay, he’s playing the Worst. Gay. Ever.
• Dear Hannah: no one cares about your shorteralls.
• It’s entirely possible that Jessa named her second dog “Pucker.” I’ve listened five times and I still can’t tell. But she seems like the kind of woman (and by woman I mean toddler) who’d name her pet a filthy word.