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  NORTHERN EXPOSURE

WATCH: It’s Time For America To Vote For The Only Rational Candidate—Canada!

Comedian Brian Calvert is suggesting a dark-horse, late-in-the-game contender for the presidency. Not, not Ralph Nader—Canada! Yup, the entire country.  Why? “Who better to lead America than a country already leading America in so many ways?” asks Calvert in the clip above. (He kind of has a point.)

Speaking to us Americans as BFFs, Canada is announcing it’s “Canada-cy” (groan) because “We’ve seen your candidates, and frankly they scare the shit out of us.” (Another good point: The Great White North kicks our can in health care, literacy, employment and gay rights. Not to mention hot mounties and lumberjacks.)

Calvert even shares a few planks from Canada’s supposed campaign platform:

* “One gay couple will be allowed to marry for every straight couple that gets divorced”

* “The phrase “job creators” will be changed to “job creationists,” and they will be given seven days to actually create some”

* “Corporations will still be people, but if they can’t provide a birth certificate they will be legally obligated to care for your lawn”

* “Corners will be installed in the Oval Office, and timeouts given to congressmen who can’t play nice.”

Too bad you have to be born in the U.S. to run for president, huh?

By:           Dan Avery
On:           Sep 20, 2012
Tagged: , , , , , , ,

  • 10 Comments
    • Ruhlmann
      Ruhlmann

      Je l’ai dit depuis des années.

      Sep 20, 2012 at 6:59 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • BayAreaHomo
      BayAreaHomo

      Meh.

      Canada has a housing bubble, a hard-right-wing Prime Minister, and is once again facing possible breakup as Quebec sent a separatist government back into power.

      Sep 20, 2012 at 11:51 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • MikeE
      MikeE

      @BayAreaHomo: ROFLMAO

      “hard right wing”? Harper? yeah, for a Canadian Prime Minister he is “hard right wing”, but compared to Paul Ryan, or Rick Santorum, he’s so middle it’s not funny. He’s probably about like Obama is. Our “left” is so far left to you Americans that you’d probably consider them “communists”. The funniest thing is, our left isn’t even the “leftest” in the world. There are European states (non-communist) that are considerably further afield to the left than our own left.

      Hell, for the last 50 years, Canada’s idea of “right wing” was considered too left wing by most American conservatives.

      Sep 21, 2012 at 6:18 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Shanestud
      Shanestud

      SCTV, Jim Carrey, Martin Short, John Candy, Lorne Michaels, Dan Akroyd, Phil Hartman, Michael J. Fox, Eugene Levy, Mike Myers, Catherine O’Hara, Scott Thompson…the list of Canadian comedy stars who have poked fun at America is endless. Besides, it far easier looking over the fence from a country that has universal free medical care, federal same-sex marriage since 2002, gay military marrying on bases, strong anti-discrimination laws and tight gun control.

      Sep 21, 2012 at 10:42 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Eric Auerbach
      Eric Auerbach

      I love how Canada thinks it’s a real country. Adorable.

      Sep 21, 2012 at 11:03 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • MikeE
      MikeE

      @Shanestud: the thing is, we Canadians don’t even look over tat fence with mirth, or with a feeling of superiority… we do so with great sadness to see a neighbour we so respected, a friend we looked up to as a model, fall into such a terrible state.

      I think many Canadians carried as much pride in being partners with the United States as Americans did in their own nation. We gloried in your accomplishments. We cheered at your discoveries. And we worked hard to merit being your “best friend”.

      It’s like being at a public party, watching your long-time hero get stinking drunk and embarrass himself in front of the whole world.

      Sep 21, 2012 at 11:04 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • BayAreaHomo
      BayAreaHomo

      Don’t worry, Canada. After Quebec secedes and your country falls to pieces, we’ll still let you in. ;)

      Sep 22, 2012 at 2:15 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ruhlmann
      Ruhlmann

      @BayAreaHomo: Quebec knows where it’s bread is buttered. I speak as a French Canadian so I have inside information. There might have been a shot at separation in the fifties but not now. Should it happen and if there were talk of joining America I would return to New Zealand or Australia. I have no problems with America as long as she’s down there. I don’t want your crime, guns, extremist religion and who would want the inequality.

      Sep 22, 2012 at 8:39 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ruhlmann
      Ruhlmann

      @Eric Auerbach: Of course it’s a real country ask the diplomats who fled to our embassy in Tehran. Or the pilots who flew to Canada on 9/11. Or the company that manufactures Canadian kits for your young travellers when they are abroad. You might also ask the parents of Canadian soldiers who have died in Afghanistan alongside your soldiers. One thing we’ve learned as a country about America is, you know who your enemies are but you always forget who your friends are.

      Sep 22, 2012 at 9:01 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Little-Kiwi
      Little-Kiwi

      as others have pointed out, Canada’s Conservatives are more liberal than America’s Democrats.

      and remember, America, every single war that you’ve entered without Canada was a failure. Suck it up, and realize that Canada has figured out the solutions to many of the problems you currently face.

      Sep 22, 2012 at 3:26 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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