Hello, you turkeys! Thanksgiving is coming up, our annual celebration of gluttony and colonization and 2pm dinners. What are you planning to cook? Leave your favorite recipes in the comments, where absolutely everyone will read them.
It’s also that time of the year when inevitably, one jerk won’t let anyone eat until everyone goes around the table and says what they’re thankful for, and everyone else goes “awww.” It’s the worst!
So don’t be caught unprepared this year! We’ve compiled a list of ten things you can be thankful for, just in case some nosy nelly asks.
Seriously, this is #1 on our list of things to be thankful for. And frankly, #1 on almost any other list we compile. Butts are so great, you guys. You can sit on them, or use them as pillows, or slap ’em around, or use them to display a bouquet. That pretty much covers all of their uses, right?
2. Marriage equality
Oh, right, this is pretty great thing to have happened in 2014. We won approximately eight billion court cases so far this year, and now most of us live in states where we can get married. Three cheers to all the pioneering gay couples who bravely fought for equality, and to the lawyers and activists and organizers and allies who made it possible. Whether it was Frank Kameny holding protests in the ’70s, or Andrew Sullivan agitating in the pages of The New Republic in the ’80s, or Dan Foley litigating the Hawaii case in the ’90s, or Molly McKay leading parades in a wedding dress in the 2000s, or Edie Windsor prevailing at the Supreme Court just last year, we have countless heroes to thank for their work over the decades.
Sure, the Affordable Care Act isn’t perfect. There’s still plenty of work to be done before America’s health care is on par with the rest of the world. But imagine how screwed we’d be without it! Pre-Obamacare, insurers were allowed to deny coverage to you simply for being gay. Chronic conditions like AIDS were subject to lifetime limits, which meant your coverage could evaporate just when you need it most. Insurers weren’t required to provide no-cost preventative screening for conditions for which LGBTs are particularly susceptible, like depression. Thanks, Obama!
Special delivery! There’s nothing better than receiving a package from a special friend. Or even from a stranger. And even if it isn’t addressed to you, it’s hard to look away when you spot a nice big one. Unwrapping them is such a pleasure, whether they have a fresh newly-packed fragrance or the musty aroma of having spent long hours in storage. And just to be clear, we’re referring to getting a box of pens in the mail from Amazon.
5. Pups & Handlers
We have no idea why, but pup play seems to be having something of a surge in popularity, and we couldn’t be more thrilled.
We can’t remember a time when we’ve seen so many collars and leashes at our local gay bars, not to mention masks and mitts and the occasional tail plug. Good boys!
Although this term will become stale and annoying even faster than “metrosexual,” we are delighted nonetheless to see more flannel and beards and suspenders than ever before. Don’t get us wrong: we love our fancy sissies, too. But we’re swooning over the current trend of rugged mountain men. It’s OK if you’ve never actually swung an ax, trapped an opossum, or bathed in a crick. Just grow out that facial hair, knit a chunky knit cap, and revel in your burly beefy physique.
Hey Mary. You practically invented sissying your walk, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. You look fabulous in bright pink lipstick, your shorts are so short you’re basically a walking wedgie, and you’ll never bore us by broaching the topic of football. And most importantly, sissies were on the vanguard of LGBT liberation before RuPaul even wore her first heel. Sissies are heroes and we worship every single one of them.
8. Stephen Fry
Stephen continues to teach us everything we need to know about how to be a delightful homosexual. Funny and smart, polite but firm, he is an international treasure. America has John Hodgman, Britain has Stephen Fry. Maybe 2015 will be the year they make a baby.
Have you been listening to avowed homosexual Cody Melcher’s literary podcast? Every week he and some comedian friends talk about a weird book, and it is consistently our favorite thing ever. We already love geeking out over books, but Cody has opened up a whole new world by introducing us to such bizarre tomes as A Christian Guide to the Sexual Marketplace and The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories and of course Pink Swastika.
10. Gay Fantasy
If you’re reading this, it means that you’ve managed to pull yourself away from Dragon Age: Inquisition, the latest in a string of masterpieces from Bioware and openly gay designer/writer David Gaider. The Dragon Age games have long featured queer content, but the newest installment features its gayest character yet: Dorian, an elemental mage who is the company’s first gay (not bi) party member. The franchise has previously featured a bisexual elf, but that’s not such a big deal because everyone knows that all elves are bisexual. Let the shipping begin!