How many times have you been irked by your boyfriend texting, calling or hanging out his ex when you’re not around?
Well, one man has had enough. So he’s seeking help from his local advice columnist, Amy.
“Dear Amy,” his letter begins. “I am gay and have been dating a great guy for a year and a half. We have a hefty age difference–he is 45; I am 33.”
We’re not sure we’d call 12 years “a hefty age difference,” but everything is relative, right?
How about we take this to the next level?
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“It is an amazing relationship,” the man continues, “except for one thing. He was in a 24-year relationship that was ending when we met. His ex is 60 years old.”
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So what’s the problem? Well, the man explains, “They stay in touch and reside in the same city.”
The man goes on to say that he and his boyfriend recently took their relationship to the next level by moving in together. But this pesky ex-boyfriend is becoming a real issue.
“The problem is that he consistently tells me of events he wants to attend out of state, which this ex will also be attending,” he says. “Recently, he mentioned he would be traveling to attend a gay pride event, and would be staying with a mutual friend. His ex would also be there.”
He continues, “I am always uncomfortable with this, and instantly go on the defensive. It ends up pushing me far away because I speculate about them. It affects our trust.”
He explains that they rarely ever get into arguments, “except when this recurring theme emerges every few months.”
“I can’t control how I feel, and he seems reluctant to stay away from these events, even though he knows how much it bothers me,” he says. “Is it wrong for me to ask him to not do these things, or to at least include me in the events, rather than feel as if I have been shoved into the back closet, while his ex still lingers around in his life?”
The letter is signed, simply, “Wondering.”
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Thankfully, Amy has just the answer.
“Dear Wondering,” she responds. “When it comes to the relationship with exes, the burden is on the common partner (your guy) to create healthy boundaries and reassure the newer partner (you) that all is well.”
Word.
“One way to do this would be to include you in events where the ex will be present,” she says. “If you two are partners, you should include each other openly in social events, and introduce each other to your friends and family members.”
Amy explains that getting to know his boyfriend’s ex better will help him to accept their close friendship, which is very likely just that: a friendship.
“It’s a delicate balance,” she concludes. “You should not use your feelings to hurt or manipulate your partner, but he should be respectful of a very natural sensitivity on your part.”
What do you think? Does this guy’s boyfriend need to make a better effort at building a relationship between the two men in his life? What advice would you give? Sound off in the comments section below…
asby
I’d f@ck my boyfriends ex….if my man wants to hang out with his ex so much…I’m gonna hang out with him too….but I’m petty
Billy Budd
The easy solution is to invite the older Ex to a threesome. No, I am kidding, that would not work. He should just be physically present every single time the boyfriend and Ex meet. This would settle the question once and for all.
Me2
No one wants to hang out with their current partner and his ex. The boyfriend needs to either leave the past in the past or be by himself.
Paco
Doesn’t sound like an ex to me. If your boyfriend rather go traveling with his “ex” instead of you, then something is very wrong. Still remaining friends and being social on occasion without the current partners is one thing. Going on trips with the ex that doesn’t include the current boyfriend is extremely suspicious.
dbmcvey
I think Amy gave good advice. If you tell your partner that you’re uncomfortable with something and they do nothing or dismiss you that’s one thing.
It sounds like he’s not traveling with the ex, just that they are doing things where they will both be–which happens because there is overlap among their friends. Taking the new partner along is a good solution.
The fact is, sometimes we are good friends with our exes, and that’s it. I see no evidence given that the exes are still having sex. Get to know your partner’s friends, even if some of them (which is pretty common among gays) are former partners.
I think the people suggesting a three way are nuts. There’s no evidence given that the exes are still having it on and this could just burden the relationship even further.
maskerville
the key word here is tenure. it invalidates an entire segment of your life if you utterly disconnect from those you have spent years with. unless of course they have done something reprehensible.
nature allows us a finite amount of time to get to know one another sexually. After that it’s the comfort, the snuggling, the shared values, the sense of humor, the social connections that keep you together.
i am in a relationship with someone whose partner has been disabled for the past 40 years. When I am angry I spit out that I am just a gigolo. But in my saner moments, although I don’t interact with my partner’s partner, I would not love or respect my Bill if he did not honor or care for his long-term relationship.
Love like most of us, is not monogamous. We can broaden our perspective. Usually jealousy and insecurity is the obstacle.
My advice to this guy. Let your partner spend all the time and attention he needs with his old friend. Separate your relationships. Sometimes my ping pong opponents are the most important people in my life. Most of the time not so.
You can sort this out. Ha ha. Wish I could!
DCguy
The question that is never answered, is….does the boyfriend tell the guy that he is going to an event out of the city and the ex is going to be there and he’ll see him when he gets back. Or does he invite the boyfriend to go to an event with him, and then mention that he thinks the ex will be there too?
Also, at the age of the older boyfriend “Events” outside the city may mean circuit parties. Is that the case? If it is, the guy may want to assume that yeah, his current boyfriend, and that guys ex are probably still hooking up once in a while.
chuck
One thing I appreciate in most of my gay relationships is remaining on good terms with ex’s. I have noticed sometimes odd behaviors between old partners probably due to whatever caused the relationship to end. I noticed this in my LTR when his ex ever stayed overnight. My partner seemed to make more noise than usual during sex while his ex was sleeping in the bedroom next to ours. Guess he was sending a signal or something…
Mack
I have a similar situation but I’m the ex boyfriend. My ex and I have attended a big convention off and on for 12 years. It’s one of the biggest if not THE biggest in Vegas. We do it well together because between the two of us it’s planned down to the minute to see and do everything. We’ve been broken up for 6 years but still attend these conventions when we can. His current boyfriend has a problem with it. There is no sexual contact between us nor has there been for the 6 years we’ve been broken up-just friendship. We’ve ask his boyfriend to go with us since the room we get has two queen beds. He’s declined but gets mad every time we go. We split the costs to make it cost effective for the two of us. My ex is 25 years younger than me.
SportGuy
Simple, break up with him. Not that difficult to understand.
Chris
If you can’t trust your BF with his ex- and if he won’t respect that, then break up. One of you will do so anyway. May as well get it over with and move on.
oregonduckbrad
Lord, there are some insecure people in here… I was with my ex for a few years, we broke up, and immediately began working on what made us best together–the friendship between us. Wasn’t easy, but 15 years later, he’s virtually like a brother to me. I now think that how people treat their exes (barring any egregious offenses in the relationship that caused it to end) is a HUGE factor in their maturity. My fiance is def. fine with him; they’ve even developed their own great friendship. It’s about communication, people. He shouldn’t have written Amy about this; he should’ve spoken directly to his partner, so they can navigate his insecurity, together, and get over this issue.
He BGB
Can I be blunt? The old guy broke up to find a sweet young thing that would make sex exciting again. Maybe the 60 year old wants to find his own SYT. They are FRIENDS now and you can’t be jealous and insecure (personally I like being single so easy for me to say). My best friend is friends with his ex who has a new partner and my friend was also friends with his previous partner who died.
Danny
You can’t tell someone who they can be friends with. That’s not love it’s control. Love is not control. Both of you need to respect each other’s feelings and demonstrate some dicipline.
Manchester
Been through this before twice! The first time it was stuff that was planned without me. Vacations, weekends away, and the like. I was told nothing was going I. So I trusted my ex as he hung out with his exams the new BF. Well I eventually sucked it up and tagged along. Eye opener, it was all my nightmares come true. Yes there was sex going on but it was them and people they hook up with at the events. So he was truthful in that he didn’t screw his ex, he was just screwing everything else. Second one is different, he asked me in advance how I would feel about him going on a cruise with his ex because they enjoyed them and asks if I would like to join. At this moment I knew there was nothing going on and they both still do things to which I get invited. Much better experience. No hiding info or plans and people.
lcandela123
Wondering’s partner had a 24 year relationship with his first partner. They parted as friends. Wondering can’t expect his guy to eliminate his feelings for him.
Wondering is feeling insecure and jealous about his guy’s relationship with his ex. Probably natural. But, he is driving himself crazy about it, and speculating and WONDERING. Well, stop wondering. Why can’t you articulate your feelings about the situation, own up to your feelings, and ask if something is going on that should be talked about. I’m guessing that after 24 years, the relationship with the ex is NOT sexual, but deeply personal and important. What is key here is that everything be out in the open. So, WONDERING can stop wondering, relax, and cherish and love his partner.
martinbakman
Hmmmm…..
imperator
I had four exes from my early twenties- the relationships lasted weeks and when they broke up with me I took it as a personal rejection and I wanted them back, to ‘re-affirm’ my worth, until I got bitter over not getting it and decided I wanted nothing more to do with them, instead. It was self-centered- childishly so, in retrospect.
Then I got together with my partner ~12 1/2 yrs ago – a relationship that’s survived a couple really low points because of work at tempering the self-absorption- and about 4 years ago we met and eventually incorporated into our relationship another partner. But two years ago he went away for school for a year, and then elsewhere for work, and we tried to maintain the relationship long-distance. A week and a half ago he said it was just no longer what it used to be; he wants to stay friends but move on from the relationship.
I don’t expect that it’ll remain quite as strong as the article’s 24-yr exes’ relayionship, but I want it to be nothing like the histrionic schism that followed the breakups of my youth. I want to stay friends now, too, because I still care about him and I’m a bit more mature and don’t need all-or-nothing from someone I’ve loved.
For a 33-yr old, “Wondering” still seems to have kind of a childish perspective on personal relationships. You don’t spend four years- let alone 24- with someone you loved only to cut them out of your life, demote them to nothing, just because the romantic relationship waned and passed away. If it had ended harshly, with some explosion of hatred, then maybe there’d have been a clean break, but not otherwise, not when there’s emotional maturity.
It does sound like if after a year and a half “Wondering” and his bf are going on Pride trips without each other, then maybe the relationship isn’t getting their full effort at being together. Maybe they both need to give more time and thought to each other, but he can’t reasonably expect his bf’s ex to just stop being important to him.
Dave Downunder
I’d say he needs to stop being a door mat and tell his boyfriend to cut it out or else make a decision. One or the other but not both.
silveroracle
My ex has a new partner now of four years.
They got hitched a couple of years ago and I was even invited to the ceremony.
I was very happy for them and regularly keep in touch with him.
He pops over occasionally to say hello and that’s it. His partner sometimes comes over.
His partner wasn’t sure about me to start off with but now realises that I am no threat.
I’m just happy that he has found somebody who is right for him.
We are actually better as friends and it would be stupid to lose a relationship with somebody that you get on with.
silveroracle
Let me adjust that last bit.
We are actually better as friends and it would be stupid to lose a friendship with somebody that you get on with.
GayEGO
My lifetime partner of 54 years has an ex that I tried to be friendly with but he told my partner he was afraid of me which I find ridiculous. He left my partner and went to California from Massachusetts back in 1961 so that was his choice. My partner and I met in 1962 and got married in 2004 and are still going strong as we are both retired and living the American dream. My partner’s ex tried calling our phone hoping my partner would answer which he would not, and his ex would never leave a message.
In short, we are all different and we need to use the solution that works best for our relationships.
batesmotel
Just tell the boyfriend that it makes you feel uncomfortable. If he’s dismissive or hostile about it, instead of reassuring or explaining the dynamic, then it might be time to let go of the relationship. It’s unusual for people to be hanging around so tightly to their ex to begin with. Why not get back together again if that’s the case. As unusual as it is, it’s not terribly uncommon. Yet the general consensus is that most people in serious relationships don’t want their new love being tight and buddy buddy with their ex.
Jere
Boyfriend and the ex were together for 24 years. They had an entire life together including mutual friends, shared history, and shared interests. This ended right before the writer and his boyfriend met. The boyfriend didn’t have time to build a whole new life, even if he’d wanted to do so before jumping into another relationship. So cut him some slack if he wants to participate in some activity that will also include his ex. There were reasons they were together, probably including some mutual interests, and this is not uncommon. But keep in mind that there are reasons that they broke up and are no longer together. The boyfriend is with the writer, not his ex. If he wanted to be with his ex, he probably would be. It sounds like the boyfriend is being completely honest and above-board about everything that’s going on…he’s not trying to hide the ex’s presence in his life or at an event he’s attending. What I would suggest is to acknowledge that the ex will always be a part of the boyfriend’s life and history and, if the boyfriend is amenable to it, invite the ex over for dinner and act like a grown up. Talk to him and get to know him. Chances are that the ex isn’t after the boyfriend any more than the boyfriend is after him. And once the writer gets to know the person, he will cease to be some ogre in his life and will just be a regular person.
avesraggiana
What should he do? Dump his a$$, that’s what he should do.
surreal33
Just a thought why not man up and decide either you trust your boyfriend or you don’t trust your boyfriend. Jealously is an emotion for BITCHY QUEENS not men.
claasen_jermaine
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