Cristiano Ronaldo’s New Statue Is Sporting Major Bulge

uhctel9jwp0vpeorn6ynRoughly 580 miles west of Morocco is the tiny Portuguese island of Maderia, where as of this week you will find something not-so-tiny if you visit the southern city of Funchal.

There, in all its glory, is a new statue of hometown-boy-made-good Cristiano Ronaldo. And just in time for the holidays, it comes complete with an enormous package.

The statue was erected outside a museum dedicated to the sex god soccer star that houses mementos and awards from his career including his two Ballon D’Or titles, awarded to him as the world’s best player in 2008 and 2013.

But if we are to believe this is an accurate representation of him, the real trophy is whatever is hidden under those soccer shorts, because damn.

Here’s the full picture:


And to prove that Cristiano gets to have his dick and eat it, too, here he is slicing into his own crotch. Funny, we wouldn’t have gone for the waistband:


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  • Stache99

    This is no different then paintings of kings showing their baskets which conveyed virility and power. The very essence of being an alpha male.

  • onthemark

    He’s hot & so is the statue. But you mean that Madeira (not Maderia) is 580 miles west (not east) of Morocco.

  • Sammy Schlipshit

    Please tell me that if one rubs the bulge good fortune will follow.

    We all know something as explicit and realistic as that would never see the light of day in any ‘merican city….except maybe SF…..and really, the representation is pretty tame.

    All in all, it’s a very well produced statue.

    Even his cake celebrates his excellent genetics.

    • Stache99

      I just worry about all those children when they see this. Think of all those awkward conversations. Daddy why don’t you have a bulge like that?

      Not to mention the tourists using it as a prop for their photo’s.

  • jason smeds

    I never found Cristiano particularly attractive. He has that quasi-queen look about him. I don’t know if it’s the arched eyebrows or the seemingly creamed-up countenance. I don’t see any masculinity in him but I do see a worthy candidate for the dance-troupe line up for Cabaret.

  • ridgelineranger

    Whats with the freaky large hands?

  • drmikrc

    My God he’s hot and so is the statue and it totally does his package justice…

  • Saint Law

    @jason smeds: “He has that quasi-queen look about him. I don’t know if it’s the arched eyebrows or the seemingly creamed-up countenance.”

    Only a queen talks of herself in the third person, Jim. Now if you could tear yourself from your bathroom mirror for one moment and tell us – why don’t you find Cristiano attractive?

  • scotshot

    @ridgelineranger: If I was the artist the hands would be smaller and the package larger, as they should be.

  • scotshot

    ……as it should be.

  • Chris

    @Sammy Schlipshit: This is going to become a destination-wedding site. The night before, the bride or groom will rub the statue for good luck.

  • Maude

    @Saint Law:


  • Arconcyyon

    Yes yes my god ups the luxury is luxury Mem Mem Star Potter Atletta Cup World Real Madrid . They is close pass is kids teen boy miss and miss class C …. CR7 ! They is Maricon is leauge cup sportt is the credibly world is Mem Sport Footbal …. The talentt´s is Mem Portugal Lisboan . Sucesss is grad is the CR7 .

  • Paco

    He’s beautiful. Bulge and all.

  • Rust Nick

    omg yes yes yes. I love him so much this is perfect hahahaha

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