Tells Us About It

Dan Savage Knows Fear

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Dan Savage seems to have it all: looks, brains, a steady income. Underneath his boyish, sly smile, however, Mr. Savage suppresses a deep, paralyzing fear. What does Savage have to fear, you may ask? Well, plenty.

First and foremost, politics are frightening, something he’s learned during his career and various editorial positions at The Stranger. So, sex’s – a subject of which Savage has written extensively on in his syndicated column, “Savage Love”. Desert islands are particularly horrific, especially when the escape hinges on unthinkable sexual acts. What else frightens Savage? Pictures of your oozing penis, so stop sending them.

How do we know all of this? We asked him. Read what Savage has to say about totally frightful things like Larry Craig, sexual hypocrisy and the aforementioned oozing penis.

After the jump, of course…

Queerty: Who are the top three scariest politicians?

Dan Savage: Jenna Bush, Jeb Bush Jr., and all future Bushes lurking in the scrota and ovum of every last member of that dense, selfish, clueless plague masquerading as a political dynasty.

QT: You’re stuck in a desert island with Dennis Hastert, Rush Limbaugh and Fred Phelps. You’ll be freed if you fuck one of them. Who are you going to do and why are they the best choice?

DS: Good God. Must I answer this question? I guess… uh… Fred Phelps, because he’s the most revolting of the three –way out in front of Hastert, and edging Limbaugh by a hair. Why Fred? Well, I figure I might have an easier time working up a hate-fuck boner for Phelps than the other two. Plus he’s the skinniest and I likes ’em skinny. But, man, just thinking about it makes me worry that I’ll never get a boner again. Out, out, damn mental image!

QT: Why are conservatives so scared of gay sex?

DS: Gays invented recreational sex, and they’ve never been down with that. Nowadays you don’t hear much about heterosexual sodomy — a lot of heteros aren’t even aware that they can commit sodomy. But once upon a time any sex act that wasn’t grimly reproductive was forbidden and sinful. And by “once upon a time” I mean “forty years ago.”

Not until the pill came along was heterosexual sex divorced, finally, from the threat of pregnancy. And, yes, I use “threat” intentionally. Women dying in childbirth, infant mortality, too many mouths to feed — pregnancy was often a curse. But the Sky God wanted a steady stream of new worshipers, so coming in someone’s mouth, ass, ear, armpit, etc., was taboo. Gotta get that spunk in there, make more people. Fruitful multiplication and like that.

Religious people have pretty much given up trying to control straight people’s sex lives. The cat is out of the bag and he’s getting a blow job somewhere. But they’ve drawn a line in the sand with us. Our recreational sex is still going to be taboo, because our sex can never be procreative, only recreative. Straight people can make babies. We can only make messes. So straight sex — all of it, procreative or recreative — gets a pass. We don’t. But within my lifetime — and I’m only 36 — oral sex was controversial. I can remember when it was a kink, something people “got into,” like people “get into” bondage or piss today.

QT: We’re meant to think democracy’s the best political system, which may be true. Despite all its advantages, our American democracy is not entirely liberal (as in the philosophy, not the stance.) What do you find to be our democracy’s biggest weakness? Or, if you’d rather, our government’s?

DS: The U.S. Senate and the Electoral College are anti-Democratic in the extreme. They allow small states and rural minorities to dictate to more urbanized states and coastal majorities — and we tolerate it, which blows my mind. Barbara Boxer represents millions of progressive Californians; that douche bag from Nebraska whose name escapes me [Chuck Hagel] represents a few hundred thousand backassward Nebraskans. But his vote cancels Boxer’s out. It’s a scandal.

QT: Which presidential candidate’s the worst choice? Why?

DS: Rudy McCain. No: Fred Romney. No, wait: Mitt Thompson. I’m sorry, but they’re all scary — all the R’s, at least. If after the Bush years an R manages to win the White House, well, we’re finished. Stick a fork in our country, folks, it’s done.