A 27-year-old woman says she received a “jaw-dropping” email from her ex-boyfriend and she doesn’t know what to make of it, so she’s seeking advice from Stoya over at Slate.
“I recently dated a man for several months who was odd about sex,” the letter begins. “He frequently mentioned that he had a small penis (which he did) and that oral sex was what made him a good lover.”
The woman says she’s not big on oral sex and ultimately the relationship ended after she says she could no longer take his “cruel streak.”
“I have moved on and am dating a lovely man,” the woman writes, “but yesterday my ex sent me an email saying that he was bottoming for men he met online the whole time we were dating.”
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She continues, “He said he’s straight but curious, and he felt he needed me to know, and wanted me to accept him. (I didn’t get any STIs from him, and he said he used protection.) I’m sort of floored.”
The woman says she doesn’t know why her ex felt the need to tell her this and that it has bothered her more than it “probably should.”
“I think he should embrace his sexuality, but how am I supposed to respond to this information?” she wonders. “He was an asshole and made me feel terrible as a girlfriend, but I’m thinking that he has a lot of repressed sexual sh*t and I want to be there for him to realize it.”
In response, Stoya tells the woman that maybe she should ask her ex what his reasons for emailing her were and to be totally honest with him about her feelings about the whole thing.
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“Then tell him how you feel,” Stoya says. “Tell him it hurt to be treated the way he treated you (including the sex you’ve just learned he was having without your knowledge—you didn’t get an STI, but that was still a risk he took on your behalf), and that you don’t quite understand why he’s bringing this to you now.”
Stoya continues: “See how he responds. If he’s working through his internal mess, contrite, and treating you decently, by all means continue to be there for him if that’s what you want. But don’t allow a return to the kind of behavior that caused you to break up just because he’s having a hard time or you see potential in him—and don’t hesitate to cut off contact if it goes there.”
What advice would you give this woman? Share your pearls of wisdom in the comments section below…
Cam
No reason to contact him. IT sounds like he knows he was an A**hole, probably because he wanted to be with men and was faking the relationship, and taking it out on her.
If she feels like she HAS to respond, then half of what the advise columnist said is right. She can say “Why are you telling me about this?”
winemaker
Sad to hear this. This girl unfortunately got involved with an ass wipe and liar, plain and simple. At least she didn’t waste a lot of time with this guy, only a few months versus several years, Thankfully she learned her lesson and the truth early and now she can move on. Oh and as for contacting him, don’t waste your valuable time and if he contacts you, ignore him and if necessary, block his emails.. He was selfish in the first place to get involved with you knowing he has a propensity for men and is GAY. Good luck with your new boyfriend and hopefully he’s all there for you and vice versa.
DrakeWhite1654
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Goforit
Run as far and as fast as you can. Do not respond. Block his emails. Move on with the new boyfriend. He was cruel during your relationship and is trying to perpetuate his control over you. Don’t give him that power.
morrit
Don’t respond. Move on with your life and your new boyfriend.
RIGay
Yup. Ignore and move on. The guy is a player.
Larry
You both had issues considering the fact your sex life appears to be only about you. I know perfectly happy married people who both know they aren’t sexually compatible and they love each other and neither wants to be away from the other. You are upset he didn’t satisfy you. You didn’t address it when you were together and now you are upset he communicated with you? So why do any of us need to hear from either of you? You found your man….for now.
karl schroeder
My advice would be to ignore the communication. She has already ‘moved on’ and there is no reason for her to get involved with this strange man any more. He lied to her during their relationship and possibly put her at risk from an STI or worse. He does not deserve to be treated with courtesy or compassion.
If he is ‘working through’ something let him do it without upsetting other people’s lives. She has a new partner that she is very h\ppy with – why would she let this man spoil her happiness again.
witchboybrian
The whole thing is weird.
The relationship sounds like it was brief and not close so why does he need her approval.
Assuming her story is even real, I wonder if he’s not just making this up to mess with her.
Donston
People are so f-ed up and vindictive and troll-y that him feeding her this story just to fvck with her wouldn’t be a huge shock. I’m also at a slight loss as to what she wants. It was apparently a very short relationship that she was never happy in. He’s not a friend or acquaintance. They’ve both moved on. He gave her no STI’s. And apparently she’s happy with her new dude. So, what’s there?
Sexuality and ego can be incredibly weird. I supposed penis insecurity, some degree of gender fluidity and misogyny can lead to preferring getting pounded by dudes rather than sexually engaging with women. Despite having little to no attractions, passions, affections, romantic feelings, relationship contentment towards males. Or he could be “confused” and/or convoluted. Or his overall romantic/sexual/affection/relationship spectrum is more towards males but he’s in denial. Either way, that really shouldn’t be of her concern unless she’s truly concerned for him. And I doubt that’s the case. He was only her bf for a mere few months, and he was shitty bf. So, why stress yourself over it?
pharaon.em.joe
Be girlfriends. Call him out on his shit. He will apologize. Then talk about big dicks. Yum.
Manchester
LOL
mountainmaat
How is a woman supposed to get an STI from a mans fkd ass ? Sounds like this guy is a nervous nelly head case.
Especially since all they did was oral with protection!!!
Wicked Dickie
Maybe he sucked a dirty herpes dick and then the herpes sore got into his mouth, so when he performed oral sex on the girl, the virus entered into her system via saliva. Please go take a sex ed class at the learning annex.
Doug
I think her ex is pissed she broke up with him and she now has another relationship going. It doesn’t take much forethought to realize his email was going to be upsetting to her.
Wicked Dickie
He sounds like a messy bottom.
Tmcguire
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Tmcguire
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Tmcguire
It all started when I caught my husband with a young girl half of his age, I caught him kissing this girl, Little did I know that they have being dating for 3 months. I could not afford to lose my marriage all because of some little trash. we had being married for over a decade. I met pyschic, sango priestess in los angeles when I went to see my mom. this powerful witch did a spell for me that made my husband confess to what he has been doing for the past three months. He told me kneeling and crying remorsefully. He told me how the little girl has being lavishing our money for shopping and rubbish.
JarredH
I would personally recommend just ignoring him. He’s clearly coming to you looking for your affirmation and possibly absolution for having wronged you. You owe him neither and I don’t foresee you getting anything in return.
Yeah, it might be freeing to tell him how hurt you are by his actions, but that might just lead to him making excuses and looking for more sympathy and/or absolution from you. If you need to get how you feel off your chest, you might want to consider whether writing it all down in a letter and then burning said letter might achieve the same result.
Whatever you decide, you have my best wishes.