A 27-year-old woman says she received a “jaw-dropping” email from her ex-boyfriend and she doesn’t know what to make of it, so she’s seeking advice from Stoya over at Slate.
“I recently dated a man for several months who was odd about sex,” the letter begins. “He frequently mentioned that he had a small penis (which he did) and that oral sex was what made him a good lover.”
The woman says she’s not big on oral sex and ultimately the relationship ended after she says she could no longer take his “cruel streak.”
“I have moved on and am dating a lovely man,” the woman writes, “but yesterday my ex sent me an email saying that he was bottoming for men he met online the whole time we were dating.”
She continues, “He said he’s straight but curious, and he felt he needed me to know, and wanted me to accept him. (I didn’t get any STIs from him, and he said he used protection.) I’m sort of floored.”
The woman says she doesn’t know why her ex felt the need to tell her this and that it has bothered her more than it “probably should.”
“I think he should embrace his sexuality, but how am I supposed to respond to this information?” she wonders. “He was an asshole and made me feel terrible as a girlfriend, but I’m thinking that he has a lot of repressed sexual sh*t and I want to be there for him to realize it.”
In response, Stoya tells the woman that maybe she should ask her ex what his reasons for emailing her were and to be totally honest with him about her feelings about the whole thing.
“Then tell him how you feel,” Stoya says. “Tell him it hurt to be treated the way he treated you (including the sex you’ve just learned he was having without your knowledge—you didn’t get an STI, but that was still a risk he took on your behalf), and that you don’t quite understand why he’s bringing this to you now.”
Stoya continues: “See how he responds. If he’s working through his internal mess, contrite, and treating you decently, by all means continue to be there for him if that’s what you want. But don’t allow a return to the kind of behavior that caused you to break up just because he’s having a hard time or you see potential in him—and don’t hesitate to cut off contact if it goes there.”
What advice would you give this woman? Share your pearls of wisdom in the comments section below…