PLEASE SHUT UP

Ex-NFL Player David Tyree Would Have Thrown The Super Bowl If It’d Stop Queers From Marrying

The only reason David Tyree is famous is because he helped the New England Patriots win Super Bowl XLII by catching a stupid football in his helmet. But you know what? He would trade that moment if it meant that stopping same-sex adults from getting married. And you know what? We wish he would.

We wish he would trade that moment back because it’s the only reason he’s famous. Without that moment, he would fade back into obscurity and he would not currently be embarrassing himself as the National Organization for Marriage’s spokes-fuppet.

Also, Tyree lives in a theological funhouse where God deliberately helps people catch footballs in helmets—because God really gives a shit who wins the Super Bowl—and where God also trades favors for favors like some sort of Wall Street cokehead. Thus, one Super Bowl victory equals one nation without same-sex marriage… or something—only Tyree and God know for sure.

For those theologians in the audience, here’s Tyree’s reasoning:

“The catch was a gift, it’s not like I’d try to do it. I couldn’t do it again so that was a miracle,” he said. “There’s nothing worth more than [maintaining heterosexual marriage] right here for me.”

Asked if he’d give up the Super Bowl to stop gay marriage, Tyree said: “Honestly, I probably would.”

“Nothing means more to me than that my God would be honored,” he said. “Being the fact that I firmly believe that God created and ordained marriage between a man and a woman, I believe that that’s something that should be fought for at all costs.”

“So I’ll lay down everything I am to preserve the honor and integrity of the God that I serve.”

Furthermore, Tyree delivered a 63,000 signature petition against marriage equality to New York lawmakers yesterday.

It’s obvious that the NOM wanted a black spokesperson partially to get more people of color against marriage equality and partially to perpetuate the idea that people of color support homophobia—see how that works? NOM has also definitely noticed the tide of sports stars coming out in favor of homosexual equality and is deliberately using Tyree to work against it.

Luckily, if God has anything at all to do with New York’s marriage equality battle, it’s probably in support of loving couples, not those trying to keep them apart.