PLEASE SHUT UP

Ex-NFL Player David Tyree Would Have Thrown The Super Bowl If It’d Stop Queers From Marrying

The only reason David Tyree is famous is because he helped the New England Patriots win Super Bowl XLII by catching a stupid football in his helmet. But you know what? He would trade that moment if it meant that stopping same-sex adults from getting married. And you know what? We wish he would.

We wish he would trade that moment back because it’s the only reason he’s famous. Without that moment, he would fade back into obscurity and he would not currently be embarrassing himself as the National Organization for Marriage’s spokes-fuppet.

Also, Tyree lives in a theological funhouse where God deliberately helps people catch footballs in helmets—because God really gives a shit who wins the Super Bowl—and where God also trades favors for favors like some sort of Wall Street cokehead. Thus, one Super Bowl victory equals one nation without same-sex marriage… or something—only Tyree and God know for sure.

For those theologians in the audience, here’s Tyree’s reasoning:

“The catch was a gift, it’s not like I’d try to do it. I couldn’t do it again so that was a miracle,” he said. “There’s nothing worth more than [maintaining heterosexual marriage] right here for me.”

Asked if he’d give up the Super Bowl to stop gay marriage, Tyree said: “Honestly, I probably would.”

“Nothing means more to me than that my God would be honored,” he said. “Being the fact that I firmly believe that God created and ordained marriage between a man and a woman, I believe that that’s something that should be fought for at all costs.”

“So I’ll lay down everything I am to preserve the honor and integrity of the God that I serve.”

Furthermore, Tyree delivered a 63,000 signature petition against marriage equality to New York lawmakers yesterday.

It’s obvious that the NOM wanted a black spokesperson partially to get more people of color against marriage equality and partially to perpetuate the idea that people of color support homophobia—see how that works? NOM has also definitely noticed the tide of sports stars coming out in favor of homosexual equality and is deliberately using Tyree to work against it.

Luckily, if God has anything at all to do with New York’s marriage equality battle, it’s probably in support of loving couples, not those trying to keep them apart.

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23 Comments

  • Erich

    He’s a tool, but he was on the New York Giants team that defeated my Patriots in Super Bowl XLII.

  • Robert in NYC

    Maybe if interracial marriage was back on the books, he’d think twice. He’s probably against it anyway.

  • SpireaX

    If he didn’t make the catch that help his team win the Super Bowl, we wouldn’t even be having a discussion with this…creature.

  • eh

    stop using “people of color”. Last I checked white was a color also. Use…marginalized individuals…or individuals without the same priveledge…or something else. done ranting, just a pet peeve of mine.

  • asa1973

    I wish I could repeatedly fuck some sense into this misguided idiot. Give me 24 hours and I could change his mind…

  • Jeffree

    Ugh: Tyree is still sore that Manning got MVP. Maybe because, I dunno, God likes Manning better?

  • Yibbet

    Did anyone catch Lizzie Hasslebeck defending him today on THE VIEW?? Something about he should be praised for standing by his convictions.

  • Adman

    God loves everybody except Tyree. He spelled it out to me in my AlphaBits this morning. I should start a PAC to steal your grandmothers tithing money using this new revelation.

  • Steve

    You’re God would be honored by preventing people in loving, stable and monogamous relationships from being married? I’m so sure.

    And 63,000 signatures!? OMG, that’s like 1% of all New Yorkers! OH NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

  • James in Hollywood

    Please, oh please let there be a David Tyree/Carrie Prejean sex tape about to emerge. I wouldn’t want to see it but could find some sort of twisted justice in its existence.

  • Lex

    @Robert in NYC:

    Why would he care about interracial marriage being legal/illegal? Is he in an interracial marriage or the product of one? Why should being able to be in an interracial marriage be more important to someone Black than White or Asian?

    Because someone is Black doesn’t mean that he cares about interracial marriage. Shockingly, most African-Americans marry each other and don’t all want to marry someone of another race. More White Americans participate in interracial marriages than Blacks.

    The guy is a tool but this canard about interracial marriage being important to African-Americans has to be tossed away.

  • ewe

    Notice how homophobic bigots think of gODD as their god. Just all theirs for them to do with what they want at will. How convenient for them to let their fantasy justify hate. Polygamy already exists so no door to that is going to be opened. It already is and it is enjoyed and practiced all over the world by straight males. Surprise surprise. Anarchy by definition is “the administration of ones own affairs” so he doesn’t even know what he is fucking talking about.

  • Mike

    who the fuck cares what a no name meat head homophobe bigot thinks. There will always be idiots as long as idiots are allowed to fuck.

  • ewe

    I have been with so many guys that look and sound like him i can’t even count. That down low thug look is such a turn on and he must have been with other men at some point in his life. I would have scoured the streets myself if i saw him and i know somebody else must have beat me to it too.

  • Blake White

    Why is this news? Who cares what he thinks. He doesn’t participate in or influence legislative policy. Subsequently, his train of thought doesn’t necessitate the need for anyone to get on board.

  • JKB

    Idiot.

  • Cam

    Any guesses on how long it will be before this guy is caught with some underaged male hussler?

  • robert in NYC

    Beyond hypocritical from someone who is expecting his second child with his live in girlfriend. Why hasn’t he married her I wonder? Oh I forgot, straights get a free pass when it comes to shacking up outside of marriage (immune from condemnation by same-sex marriage foes), serial adultery, philandering, and seeking extra-marital favors from prostitutes none of which harm marriage. Hmmm, the sanctity of marriage must be protected by banning gays from civil marriage. Nice try, Tyree, what an idiot!

  • jason

    David Tyree gives me the impression that he’s had sexuality issues of his own and may be projecting a denial of his own same-sex attractions by speaking out against gay people. It’s not entirely impossible, you know.

  • Spike

    I’m smelling another black man on the d/l . . . or was at one time.

  • AFruit4Thought

    So his catch was a miracle. And he thinks that God cares more about straight marriage than his catch. Thus, one would think that God (being omnipotent) would have nixed the miracle catch and decided to remove marriage equality from the world instead. Instead, he allowed the miracle football catch, and queers are gaining the right to marry across the world.

    Thank goodness there are all these fundies that think that they are smarter than God.

    @robert in NYC: Agreed!

  • Adman

    @Steve: “You’re God would be honored by preventing people in loving, stable and monogamous relationships from being married? I’m so sure.

    Of course not, he thinks everyone should find love and build on it for life. What I said was my god gives me unrestrained access to the free flowing capital willingly spent on hate campaigns by the religious. My god read the constitution, found the loopholes, and called it “religion”. What?? He’s that same as anyone else’s god, trust me, ;-)

  • robert in NYC

    What amazes me is he’s acting as a shill for Mrs. Srivastava’s (aka Maggie Gallagher) NOM. He’s living with his girlfriend who is expecting his second child. This is supposed to be about family values and the sanctity of marriage? How hypocritical does NOM get using unwed parents to cohabit and pop out babies. Oh I forgot, he’s following Mrs. Srivatava’s example, a former unwed mother. He thinks allowing us to marry is sending the wrong message to children. Hmmm, seems the shoe is on the other foot.

Comments are closed.