What happens when professional duties and life needs overlap?
So wonders a 32-year-old teacher, writing to Slate’s advice columnist Dear Prudence.
“I am a 32-year-old single gay man who will be starting a doctoral program in the fall, during which I will be teaching,” the professor writes. “The university is in a conservative state but near a progressive city. As a single gay man, I use a variety of apps to find dates and companionship. I use Tinder and Hinge for dating, and Grindr and Scruff for hookups. I am a fairly sex-positive person, so I have pictures of my face on all the apps that I use. Further, none of the pictures or profiles would be things I would be embarrassed of other people—professional or otherwise—finding. As a teacher, I don’t have a problem with a student finding me on Tinder or Hinge. I set my age range well above the average college student, and if they want to giggle at their single teacher using a dating app, that’s fine.”
“What I am wondering about are Grindr and Scruff,” He continues. “Both these apps use location software and both have a pretty deserved reputation for being hookup apps. The possibility of a student opening up their app in class and seeing me on there feels odd both for the student’s ability to feel safe and focus in my class, and the potential for a student trying to mess with me.”
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“I don’t really want to spend the next four years of my life celibate,” he concludes, “but I am going to prioritize completing my program. Do I need to delete those apps? Or become a blank/headless profile?”
Related: Dear Abby’s Brief Advice To Mom Of Maybe-Gay Teen Says It All
Prudence, for her part, empathizes and agrees that the teacher/grad student shouldn’t have to remain celibate. She also encourages other students/professors to share their own experiences for some context.
“You say your state’s conservative but your city’s relatively progressive, and I wonder if you have any sense of what your university administration’s outlook is—do they have any relevant policies or case studies you can use to guide your choices?” Prudence wonders. “I mention that merely as a strategic and protective move; I agree that a single 32-year-old grad student who wants to use dating and hookup apps to meet other adults who aren’t his students isn’t doing anything wrong, and don’t want to make you feel overly responsible for a hypothetical student opening Grindr in class and then judging your presence on Grindr too. But grad students are often precariously employed, and your nervousness makes sense in that context.”
“If you’re comfortable keeping your Tinder and Hinge profiles up, do; you can also mention that you’re interested in both dating and hookups on those apps, if you want to try to make up for the temporary or contingent loss of Grindr and Scruff,” she suggests. “Plenty of people are interested in casual sex on those apps, too, although the pool of possible hookups may be smaller there. You can also turn off location sharing in your general settings when you’re teaching or otherwise on campus, then only turn it back on when you’re back at home and actively looking for someone.”
“Going (temporarily) headless might relieve some of your anxiety, too,” she adds. “You can always mention in your profile that you’re happy to send face pics after you’ve matched with someone. Again, that may cut down on some responses if a lot of guys are just looking to maximize convenience, but it’s not an insurmountable barrier.”
Makes sense to us. Everybody keep it in mind the next time you see a headless profile: maybe the user has good reason for being discreet.
1898
“The possibility of a student opening up their app in class and seeing me on there…”
the only way that would happen is if the teacher had grindr open in class, too. simple solution: don’t open grindr while you’re teaching. or is he so addicted to it that he has to check it every 20 minutes no matter where he is or what he’s doing?
ShiningSex
If he was worried, then don’t be on that app. He’s a moron.
If he is worried about his career then he should know not to be on it EVER!!!
People out others all of the time. He can get d*ck some other way.
Dr.Knowze
Not opening the app in class doesn’t prevent the profile from showing up as having been ‘recently on,’ but the location setting may show the location recorded just before the app was closed. If this is a rural area, then even the home location of this teacher could well show up in the grid.
Your comment about someone being so addicted that they can’t leave the app alone for 20 minutes was an expression of your disdain for those who use these app.s and not relevant to the question.
1898
@Dr.Knowze i neither expressed nor implied any such thing. addiction to these apps, and social media in general, is a real problem for some people. if that’s the case here, i offer sympathy, not disdain, and hope he can get assistance in working on it
ShiningSex
YES you f*cking moron!!! You’re a teacher and should not be on such a stupid app. This is the stupidest story. It’s obvious. Yeah your private life should be private, but Grindr is NOT PRIVATE!!! Many have been “caught” on there and had their careers ruined by people on there. Stop being ignorant. If you want d*ck, I am sure you find a better way to get it outside of Grindr. duh!!!!
Dr.Knowze
There is no legitimate reason, other than ’embarrassment,’ for anyone to worry about being ‘outed’ from having a profile on a hookup app unless the profile contains indelicate sexual references, preferences, or nudity below the belt.
A person in their 30s is allowed to have a social life and a sexual one as well.
Creamsicle
This is just as stupid as saying that women teachers should be celibate. Were you raised in the 1890s, or something?
The guy is teaching young ADULTS. If they’re too immature to handle a professor having a dating and hookup app profile, they’re just not ready for adult and university life yet.
maddog
Recently there was an out gay politician in Massachusetts that was also an adjunct professor at a university and had an entry on one of the dating apps.
A group of students, with at least the explicit knowledge of the opposing party, decided to write to a local paper, and then formulate a “big thing” about it even though the professor stated that he had never dated any of his students, and apologized if he made any of his students feel uncomfortable.
Of course if he were not gay then having his entry on a dating app would not cause any issue as long as he did not date any student, but we all know that, don’t we?
The last time I looked university students are typically over the age of consent. Unless the professor makes a move toward the student there should be no issue…..but unfortunately there can be.
Until we all grow up I would recommend removing the face pics and putting them in the “private” category. Use a false name and do not be the first to contact students that might be in your classes.
A few simple personal rules will go a long way to protecting you from any type of criticism, personal or professional.
Dr.Knowze
Your advice is spot-on. I was in a similar situation when I was a college professor on a ‘liberal’ campus in a conservative community. I was ‘the’ out gay professor, and with a scarcity of out LGBTQ people to run support groups or be involved with statewide social justice initiatives, I knew I had to ‘watch out’ and deflect any accidental overtures made to me by students and most community members. I knew I needed to be available to support and advocate for them without the awkwardness of any sexual vibes. To that end, after retiring from that work, I still haven’t updated my profile pics to show my whole face, but it is on my list of things to do now that I can.
Creamsicle
He was only targetted for a smear campaign because he was a Democratic primary challenger in his district. Those students had proven communications with their state Democratic party, trying to use their corrupted journalism to get internships in Washington D.C. offices.
A vote blue, but the Democratic establishment is just as crooked and manipulative as the Trump GOP. They’re not above weaponizing homophobia in an election if it means they lock out progressive and young voices so they can keep benefiting off the corporate gravy train.
lovetennis
As a former college professor, I would recommend getting rid of grindr and scruff. He says he is just beginning a doctoral program. Without tenure, he needs to be very careful with which apps he uses. The university may have a morals clause for its staff and without tenure to back him up, having his profile out there for the whole world to see is quite risky. If that were the case and he had to transfer to another university, they might not accept the same courses and he might lose those credits. Better safe than sorry in the long run.
rcamp
1. A couple of these comments are very trolly. Is there no moderator here?
2. I would drop Grindr, just because the company uses our data in unspecified ways, and seems pretty unethical. For scruff, while being headless may be an option, you’re gonna hook up less!
Good luck!
Raphael
I don’t use Grindr, but don’t all of those apps have a “go offline” option? That way he won’t show up in the grid until he chooses to…. So, why is he so worried!?
1898
scruff has that option for sure. grindr has it but i think it’s only available if you have a paid subscription. their subscription fees are kind of outrageous, like $40 a month. scruff includes the go offline feature in the free version of the app. it’s also a much better and more reliable app than grindr, with many more privacy and safety options
Derek Northcutt
Yes. Respectable people do not have profiles on sex sites.
Dr.Knowze
That’s a funny comment. Do you not know any respectable people? Because they sure are out there on the apps! Some pretty influential and powerful people, very well-respected, are enjoying the apps like anyone else. Or maybe you do know some respectable people in your community, but they are taking the advice offered by some here to fly under the radar? Be careful about the assumptions you draw!
TMBisAOK
OMG! Just stop it with your great-grandmotherly sex shaming! SMH!
Den
Unless you are joking, that is a ridiculous comment. Kind of like “respectable girls don’t become actresses,” or “real men are not gay.” In case you had not noticed, we are far removed from the 1940’s and 1950’s. Respectable people behave with respect towards others where that is the expected mode, and if they wish to be horn dogs on their own time and with other horn dogs, more power to them.
Grow up!
Cam
And NOBODY in Utah watches porn.
djbear
Most Universities make it a rule not to date current students. I decided a long time ago that I would exclude all students currently enrolled at the instituion – even those I am not teaching. It worked well for me and it avoided any questions. I also agree, most apps that use location need to be open or recently open.
Dr.Knowze
Most universities actually don’t have any legal or enforceable policies about professors or staff dating students, because most students are of consenting age.
You may have meant to say that an unspoken/unwritten rule is to avoid getting into any relationship where the power differential could be seen as a context for assuming a quid pro quo arrangement. IN general, so long as students are not in YOUR classes, it is not considered an ‘issue.’
Personally, as a college professor, I simply didn’t want to open the can of worms that comes with having ANY relationship with people who are much younger and with the potential for causing trouble if feeling ‘jilted’ or otherwise stalking/crushing on me. I actually had two gay students proposition me because they felt that since they paid tuition, I was actually there to ‘serve their needs.’ I had to explain to them that as a faculty member, I wanted them to be able to seek me out when they needed support, and didn’t want to risk any intimacy with them which could interfere with my advocacy. It helped that they were homely and I wasn’t the least bit attracted to them.
Kangol2
Actually, Dr.Knowze, many universities–but certainly not all–DO have guidelines about faculty dating students. In most universities, faculty members (no matter their age) are not allowed to date or have sex with undergraduate students they 1) are directly teaching or 2) directly supervising in any capacity (advisees, in their laboratories, etc.). Some even forbid faculty members from dating or sleeping with any undergraduates enrolled in that institution. Doing so can be grounds for dismissal, and these days, a Title IX investigation. Additionally, many universities also have somewhat strict rules about faculty members not dating or sleeping with graduate students they are supervising (as a TA, for MA, MS, PhD, in a laboratory, etc.) as well as teaching in a class. Again, doing so can be grounds for dismissal or a Title IX if the student feels that they were coerced in any way, etc.
cuteguy
The answer is obvious. Just drop the app. If ur career is that important to you and these apps may be a detriment to it, or at least it is considered being risky, use the head above your shoulders and not the one in your pants. I completely empathize with this guys predicament but he needs to do what is right for him. It’s only four years and there was a time when ppl didn’t have these apps and they had to actually socialize in order to get a hookup
Dr.Knowze
Eliminating the app is certainly an option, but so is going ‘headless’ and keeping the profile clean.
UCLADave
I’m a professor of psychology at a major university in Los Angeles California I to have gone through the same dilemma that you have on different sites for different reasons and every picture that I have posted on my profiles for these sites are within reason my policy is this if a student finds me on one of these apps that’s fine it’s outside of the academic world it’s two adults
If a student came on to me on campus and a teacher student situation then that is something that I would not do you do not shit where you eat
Dr.Knowze
I was a professor not much older than my students when I entered my tenure-track positon. It wasn’t until some years later that these apps became available. I was careful to never post any easily identifiable photos of myself for public viewing, and it was fairly easy in a small rural community to figure out who was who — and I was careful to either completely block people in the community I served, or if I could tell from the way they connected with me that they needed some emotional TLC, I would chat them up but as a mysterious and platonic mentor, averting and diverting any possibilities of ‘hooking up.’
I did find that many of my students towards the end of my teaching career were on those apps and if they ever did get together to ‘guess’ if it was actually me online, they were discrete and respectful of the work I did in the community on their behalf.
Over the years, I did eventually run into many of my students across the region in ‘adult’ settings, which was somewhat awkward (very awkward), but many confided that they had huge crushes on me and hoped that it was me on the apps. I actually did hook up with several former students, who when all grown up, didn’t look anything like they did when they were in my classes (beards can change a lot!) After playing, they’d let me know that they knew me at the university, and I was glad that they were able to finally enjoy their delayed gratification. 🙂
WindChime
God Almighty! Do you have any ounce of shame in your heart? Hooking up with strangers and not focusing on gettin yourself a committed relationship? You ended up sleeping with “a few” of your former students and still believing it was the right thing to do? Tell us, you are a bit unhinged, aren’t you?
Den
@windchime:
YOU’RE accusing somebody else of being “a bit unhinged”?
You sound seriously in need of professional help.
Just as a lark thought, what EXACTLY is wrong with hooking up woth former students after they are out of school and the gentleman is no longer teaching?
This will demonstrate whether or not you actually know how to think (though I expect everyone who has read your post already knows the answer to that).
mikenyc352
@windchime the idea of having sex with people and being in a committed relationship aren’t incompatible. You can be deeply committed to a partner and still openly have sex with other people.
cuteguy
@ mikenyc352
That is playing with fire and you know it. A committed relationship is just that. It’s called monogamy. When you introduce more ppl you run many risks, not only STDs but emotional risks. If you’re not mature enough to be in a committed monogamous relationship, then just stick with FWB. Know this diff
AZ71
Stupid teacher. Delete the hookup apps and just use Tinder and Hinge and keep it that you’re you’re looking for “relationship and dating” and keep your pics PG-13. This is your safest bet. And you can also go out to that big city nearby and interact in settings that put you in contact with other gay men. LGBT community center, plays, bars, gay-friendly bars. If worse comes to worse then yes..have a headless profile and always ask for their pics first and the age range well above your students. But this is just asking for trouble in my opinion. I think you can stay off Grindr while you pursue your doctorate
mikenyc352
Except if gives into this culture that says sex and sexuality in general and even more so for gay sexuality is shameful. As ling as his isn’t abusing his position of power by having sex with students why shouldn’t he model for his students that you can be a successful and proud gay man that expresses his sexuality
Mark Behar
1) Grindr and Scruff are not the only hookup apps.
2) Avoiding face and identifying info until you’re sure of who you’re chatting with and what their intentions are, so use a pseudonym until you can get to know potential friend.
3) You can always tell someone something, but once told, can never “untell”.
4) Tenure for academicians, as well as promotion for others in sensitive positions (medical, administrative, etc.) is often based on people’s opinions and prejudices, not reality. But if your pix or identifying information can create scandal, then it may be thought of as fair game by decision makers, to your deficit.
Mike Hunt
What a crock. I Grindr’ed and Scruff’ed (and Gwolr’ed and Jack’ed) my way through two years of grad school, and I had sex with many professors at my school, although none in my own academic department. Nobody got hurt. No problems. Granted, I went to a really liberal school in a huge city, but so what. I had a LOT of fun and some good times.
trsxyz
Aren’t doctoral programs notoriously political & cutthroat? I wouldn’t want to give them any ammunition, so I’d be inclined to go with headless photos for now.
Fahd
This is such a goldilocks situation — you have to get it just right, and I know I would mess it up. The world has evolved, but not to the point where one won’t encounter someone in a position of power who disapproves of “casual sex”.
In education, especially when people vote on whether you get/keep the job, even if you;re adhering to the rules, one’s private life is a factor. There is a broadly worded morals clause, and you’re supposed to be a role model,
I think If a straight professor were discovered to be part of a “swinger’s club”, some people might judge them, just as they would a gay professor who has a Grindr/Scruff profile. I’d stick with the dating sites, if I had to advise.
By the way, plenty of careers have been ruined by the repercussions surrounding casual sex, and everyone thinks they’ll be the exception.
gaypalmsprings
Quit the apps and hang out at the local rest stop, adult bookstore, or bathroom at a public park.
QJ201
Do not log into the apps within half a mile of campus and do not allow the app to track your location when not using. Block any profile that looks at you that has an age listed under your requirements.
AllenW
If a professor isn’t teaching in a conservative southern state, then he shouldn’t have any problems.