Hi Jake,
On a recent Friday night out in San Francisco, I enjoyed a hookup with a really attractive 24-year old guy. We had a great time, fun sex, and really hit if off. However, I am more than twice this young man’s age! The next day he asked me out on a proper date. My concern is that I’m old enough to be his father. His only concern, however, is that I’m “not old enough” as he mostly dates “daddies” in their 60s and 70s. What should I do?
Twice His Age
Dear Twice His Age,
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Age is just a societal construct. It’s more important to gauge the connection you have with this guy. If you really enjoy each other’s company and are hitting it off, why would you close the door on it, just because of an expectation? Do you enjoy the same things? Do you get along? Or, are you bewildered and judgmental about the things he’s interested in? If he’s watching Drag Race UK, going clubbing at The EndUp, and obsessed with TikTok, all while you’d rather be curled up with a good book and nice bottle of Merlot on a Saturday night, that might be something to look at. On the contrary, you may love doing all the things he does, in which case it’s a match! (Drag Race is always timeless in my eyes!)
Generally speaking, societal norms are created out of data, but there are always exceptions and anomalies. You wouldn’t want to miss the chance to experience something great just because of some boring generalization. I say proceed with caution. If you get the sense that he’s looking for a father figure, then maybe it’s not the healthiest. You don’t want to fall into the trap of becoming his parent, teaching him about the ways of the world, disciplining if he gets out of control, or robbing him the chance to take care of himself because you are providing for him financially. You want to feel like an equal in the relationship, so that it’s based on something real, and not just the role you fill for each other.
But perhaps he’s just turned on by an older guy? Would you really want to deny him great sex with a guy he’s really into? A lot of younger guys are turned on by “daddies”. As long as he’s of legal age, you’re not doing anything wrong, and there’s nothing bad about mutual attraction.
You could always consider talking to a therapist, as well, just to see if there’s anything to explore in terms of patterns around being attracted to much younger guys. (I couldn’t tell by your letter if that was the case). Sometimes, we find a certain emotional safety in hiding behind a role of a “caregiver”, instead of being an “equal”. It can remove a certain vulnerability if you feel there is some sort of power differential. So, I would simply keep an eye out for that, and if you move forward with your new lover, try to assess if he feels like an equal to you, rather than a pet project or boy toy. Have fun!
Jake
Jake Myers is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space , the first LGBTQ owned and operated national platform for teletherapy. He has a Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy.
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Mack
There are a lot of guys turned on by older guys. My ex was 20 years younger than me and every thing was fine until he started calling me “daddy”. For some reason I didn’t want to be a “daddy”, I wanted to be a “lover”. It was interesting since I was just a year younger than his actual dad and two years older than his mom.
dmhandy
My husband Jon is 20 years older than me. I have always been attracted to older men. My husband has always been attracted to younger men. My attraction has nothing to do with wanting a “Daddy”. I have primarily dated older men. I have dated older men and it ended up being disastrous. I am now the age my husband was when we met. Our love has only grown stronger. Give him a chance “Dear Twice His Age”.
Vince
Well, technically the 24 yo in the above example is more into granddaddies then just daddies. I’d also put that more into a fetish. Grey hair, wrinkled skin, and the smell of bengay probably drive him crazy. Lol
I don’t let age determine my partners though. One is in his 20s, the other is in his 50s, and I’m 54. So I guess age really is just a number.
Prax07
I just can’t keep up with younger guys. I always dated older, but the past few years it’s all been younger, which I find isn’t good. I have zero interest in TikTok, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, or Twitch. I have never used Uber or Lyft, or Door dash. I don’t take pictures of everything I do, or eat. I Would actually like to curl up with a book and Hulu on a Saturday night. Yeah they’re hot, but when you’ve got nothing at all else in common there’s no point to it.
Gadfeal
Congratulations on finding the 1 in 1000 young gay men who prefer much older men; I’ve even met one for whom 55 was the “lower limit” of age, and for whom there was no “upper limit” as long as “they were breathing” (I kid you not!).
Whatever the atypical psychology that motivates a psychosexual preference for someone old enough to be one’s grand-, or great-grand-, father, just remember:
1. If this atypical preference is associated with childhood trauma, it may also mean psychological issues that are unaddressed behind that sweet demeanor. When you learn about the kid, I suspect that you would best get him into long-term counseling. He may be sweet but obsessively clinging and needy, and become so infantile that he would be moved to stalking, social or professional retribution, violence or suicide.
2. If you are willing to have a “ward” financially and emotionally, just make sure you are prepared legally, financially and psychologically on his side.
3. On your side, particularly if you have little long-term relationship experience (> 5 years), you too may be unduly “vulnerable” if you harbor unrealistic concepts of co-habitation. What would happen if the kid finds you outside of his “upper limit”, or has pecuniary-motivated sense of attachment and eventually leaves you, AND sues for half your estate? What happens when, despite his possessiveness, he starts having outside intimacies?
From what I have seen, one should be very emotionally and financially “settled”, and be aware of his mindset and lack of experience.
However, if both are in it for “fun”, enjoy.
I remember a rich friend who was a stockbroker who had a boyfriend somewhat younger and of lower socio-economic means. My rich friend, who was very concerned about “appearing successful”, wondered what would happen if the other was mainly interested in his wealth. I facetiously replied, “if you get a lot of attention in your youth due to physical attractiveness, be prepared for when you inevitably loose that with age, but, if you get it because of your wealth, just make sure you also maintain it over age; at least SOMETHING will attract young men to you!”
We’ve seen beautiful women with rich, physically, or even behaviorally repulsive men (e.g. DT). Do you really think that a 10 is attracted to a 1 because of his mind?
So, the same also occurs in gay relationships.
lord.krath
The phenomenon [between gay men of substantially different ages] goes back to antiquity. Straight relationships have never stopped (gold diggers bringing the most renown to the type of relationship). It is only natural that people are questioning this now more freely and engaging.
Gadfeal
I also wish to add that your generational differences may make everyday conversation difficult, and integration with your generational friends awkward. You may end up having separate social circles, as well as worry that you age group entourage may try to “poach” him.
Intellectually the levels of conversation progress from “things” to “events” to “places” to “abstractions” to “socio-cultural concepts” to “philosophy”. Although not many adults may progress to along that path, (particularly the Trumpian cultists), many very young people run out of conversation belong the first or second level, and their preconceived notions of the rest is green and untested (which they don’t want to hear, or even debated.)
Emotionally inexperienced people also enter adult life with preconceived notions of “ideal” or “normative” relationships. Straights suffer from that, leading to the mismatch of “expectations” and “real life” of marriage and half of pre age 20 marriages ending in divorce, and 1 in 4 of those in their 20’s. Gays, who often have had their first emotional relationship as an adult, especially now, mistakenly believe that the legal-social institution of “marriage” would magically make a gay relationship easier a path to contentment.
So, it is very likely that your “experienced” expectations of intimate relationship, molded by your own prior experiences and those of your entourage, may have to accommodate those of an inexperienced 20 year old’s just past an unhealthy childhood (or worse), filled with a pre-teen girl’s fairy-tale wish of a “perfect marriage with THE ONE”. Honey, we are not “matched” like antigen to antibody; there is no ONE – just two individuals who consciously desire to force a joint life path together, and implement it with “course corrections” as needed.
Troyfight
…@Gadfeal…. great words of wisdom
4runnergui
I am 58 and my partner of almost 6 years is 25. We have melded together and have so much fun even after 5 years . . . I can’t wait to see what the future holds!!
Vince
How do you navigate being a partner to a guy who’s probably never really done the sexual and/or relationship exploration thing? I always kind of thought that was a normal part of growing up.
It’s not even the age difference. It’s just such a different stage of life. I can’t imagine a guy in his 50s having anything in common with a teenager. That would truly be a daddy/son relationship.
bivector
Watch Jordan Firstman’s “Call Your Father”
CityguyUSA
Besides sex and being gay what else do you have in common? Nothing I’m guessing. I think this happens with young guys seeking security in a relationship but living as sexual roommates is often the result until young guy is feeling secure in himself and moves on.
Michael
Give me a break. I just had sex with a 24yo 2 days ago, I’m 50, he has a girlfriend, has only hooked up with 2 guys before and you don’t see me writing into some advice column because, golly gee, I can’t figure out what the hell I should do.