big screen

Is This Weekend’s Valentine’s Day Heterosexist? Or Just Too Busy a Movie to Squeeze in the Gays?

Even we were a little disappointed Warner Bros./New Line opted not to showcase the romance between Bradley Cooper and Eric Dane in the trailers for Valentine’s Day, which execs expect to make insane amounts of cash because it features every likable actor alive today. But if the studio is looking for a way around criticism, we’ve got an answer.

Explain how almost none of these relationships really get any significant screen time.

You’ve got about a half dozen relationship arcs stuffed into 117 minutes, and there’s barely time to digest one vignette before the director shuffles you on to the next one. The film, which premiered in Los Angeles this week and opens in wide release on Friday, has to squeeze in Anne Hathaway snogging Topher Grace, Taylor Lautner hooking up with Taylor Swift, and Ashton Kutcher playing Ashton Kutcher’s boyish good looks romancing Jessica Biel. Indeed, it could be argued Cooper and Dane’s romance deserves more screen time — and in the trailer Warner Bros. purposefully made potential audiences think Cooper and Julia Roberts’ plane flirtation was another of these storylines, which is either ZOMG HOMOPHOBIC! or OOOH, HOW SLY!– but almost none of these pairings are fully exploited in the film.

Which doesn’t (necessarily) make Valentine’s Day heterosexist. Just shlocky. And perfect for you to drag your boyfriends and girlfriends to this weekend.