A Queerty reader recently wrote to us about concerns he had regarding his inability to make meaningful friendships and connections with other gay men. We’ve asked our expert psychotherapist, Jake Myers, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of Gay Therapy Space, to step in with some advice.
Hi Jake,
I am lucky to have a great group of friends. They are very fun, low-key, and love me 100% for who I am. But this has caused me some heartache and confusion because… they are all straight.
About five years ago I got out of very abusive and unhealthy relationship with a man. When we broke up, to get away from him, I said he could keep our mutual friends. Starting then, I developed a really great bond with some of my straight bro-friends. We work out, go to games, go to the club. My problem is, since then, my pool of available gay men has diminished significantly.
Lately I have no outlets for meeting men I am interested in. I never have anyone to go to bars with me, and if I am dating someone, they are always uncomfortable hanging with a bunch of straight dudes and get scared away.
Recently I feel like I don’t even relate to gay men. No judgment, but there is so much prejudice gay men have towards each other, and I am not willing to deal with it. It’s like, say “hi” back, be polite, smile a bit. I don’t want to have to put on some persona just to snag me a mate.
Am I forming some condition? Do I need to start writing a dating positivity journal? Do I need new friends?
-Lost & Confused
Jake says…
Dear Lost & Confused,
There is nothing wrong with having straight friends. Friends are friends, no matter what, and if you enjoy each other and share interests and activities, there is no harm, especially when they love you unconditionally. What seems to be more of a concern is the difficulty in finding or meeting other gay guys for either friendships or dating. While having straight friends is fine, there’s a shared experience that we have as gay men that only we can fully understand, and it’s nice to have someone who gets that.
That said, I’m also hearing that not only is it difficult to meet gay friends or dates, but you also may have an aversion to it, or find other gay men hard to relate to. You mentioned the prejudice you feel gay men have towards one another, and a sort of attitude of aloofness that some adopt. You would think that gay men would be even more warm and welcoming of each other. Unfortunately, that isn’t always true.
Many gay men can be hypersensitive to rejection due to growing up in a culture that hasn’t historically been willing to accept them. Often a sort of shell forms in order to project oneself from rejection. This can take the form of things like judgment of other gay guys, and being standoffish in order to “reject before they can reject me.” The best thing to do in this situation is to try not to emulate the gay men you don’t relate to.
In your letter you also said “No judgment”, but I wonder if you’re doing the very thing that you feel other gay men do to you? Try to identify your judgments of others, and even of yourself, and don’t let them get in your way. Fostering a more accepting and open view can help you move closer to the relationships you say you want. Try to move towards others, treating them as you would want them to treat you. You can practice this by asking someone out on a date, joining a gay sports league or group, or even at the bars. You may find that when you approach someone in an open way, they may actually soften some and open up to you in return.
No, I don’t believe you’re forming a “condition.” There’s nothing wrong with the group of friends that you have, but you simply may need to practice being more open and accepting yourself, so that others can get the chance to be as well. A “dating positivity journal” could always be helpful if you can chronicle the ways in which you are practicing being open, non-judgmental, and taking risks when it comes to meeting new people.
Jake Myers is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Queerty’s relationship columnist. He’s also the founder of Gay Therapy Space, the first online therapy platform for and by the LGBTQ community. He has a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Boston College and a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy.
Have a burning question for Jake? Write him at [email protected] or post it in the comments below.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
“I never have anyone to go to bars with me,”
Befriend a group of cool ass dykes (not the preachy humourless types with bad haircuts) and tag along and so the pressure is off, in that company you will be invisible to the obnoxious queens while you can get to meet the cool regular gsys while waiting for the pool table.
Donston
“Preachy humorless types with bad haircuts”/”The cool regular gays”. You’re really exposing yourself with every post.
Anyways, the fact that he used the term “straight bro-friends” kinda tells you where his mindset is at.
The majority of my friends are women and straight men as well, though not quite for same reasons. However, he seems to be falling under the same persona-using and judgmental streaks that he’s accusing others of. It also seems as if he perhaps ran to “straight culture” to cleanse himself and settle his ego after getting out of an abusive situation, which is quite common. Ultimately, everyone builds a persona. But gay and homo-dominant men do indeed tend to where thicker personas and a thicker protective shields than most others for a multitude of psychological and sociological reasons. I have come to realize that as long as you’re friendly, not phony or an a-hole it ain’t that difficult to make friends of any sort. And if your “straight bro-friends” are legit friends one of them wouldn’t mind tagging along with you to the club once or twice.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
Stop responding until you learn the concept of concision and organised thought. But yay got my first drink in with “homo-dominant”. Cheers!
Donston
Anytime I thoroughly rip apart all your hypocrisies, contradictions and self-resentment that you disguise by being a “bro” you scatter away. Now, you want to blame your evasion on my lack of “concision”? How convenient. Your kind is one of reasons why I’m not going around talking about I’m bi. Also, the majority of that post was a response to the topic at hand not you.
Jack Meoff
Dude needs to broaden his search parameters for gay friends and look outside the inner city ghettos. There are plenty of gay men out there who are not bitchy judgemental scene queens but they probably aren’t hitting the gay bars though. Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too.
stevetalbert
Why does he need someone to go to a bar with??!! Sounds too needy. And his other comments sound like he has a lot of rules and conditions. Sounds like a horrible date. Loosen up and feel comfortable with yourself, and others will too.
Heywood Jablowme
I wondered that too. He’d have better luck going by himself. Two guys together in a gay bar tend to look like a couple already, which might inhibit even an outgoing single guy from talking to him. And since he wants friends and not a hookup, try a less cruisy time like a weekend afternoon. Maybe learn to shoot pool or something.
tomk1of1
I became disabled,now better with a medical condition that caused me to go from a blue,blond fit 30 something into a bloated dibilated man in chronic pain. It took about ten years to get on the other side of that horror.
I am a popular gregarious,social guy and always was “noticed” let’s say. As I got sick,as I aged, as the superficial,..the looks changed and many gay friends drifted,some not,but mostly all. Not I really only have one good gay friend,and some collateral to him.
I have been in AA since my 20’s. When I went back to gay meetings I hadn’t been to for awhile I was treated like a didn’t exist by many. AND IN AA!!!
I wasn’t the cute hairless,muscled blond boy anymore. The difference was startling as I treat so obviously differently b4 I became ill.
Same at bars of course and other gay venues as well.
However,in that time I made many close str8 buds who treated me like I was special because I was suffering so for so long. I had two str8 sponcees and they took me to str8 meeting. The difference was night and day! I now have a good number of very close str8 friends,men and women who love me unconditionally. In gay AA,even and elsewhere there was a condition….cute,young.. I know people reading this know what I’m talking about. And I had the experience of knowing the other side. It is STARK!
I am “looking” and feeling better these days. I looked up and noticed all that one gay friend stayed. I was Largely ignored when I went to gay meetings,venues,even after feeling better.
I’m a Psychiatric Social Worker. I know what it going on,in part,anyway.
Men are visual,far more that women. Gay men treat each other (in the context of sex and relationships especially) like str8 men treat women. The media doesn’t help either. We need to be superficially worth looking at. Beauty is celebrated far more than the person themselves.
Sadly,one would think that gay men knowing pretty awful oppression would be more mature and respectful of how we treat each other. Objectifying is a paramount issue in our community. In stead we have many who are snarky,superficial and mean. I get it,I do. And it happens outside of gay experience as well,but only to women. GROW UP! We are only hurting ourselves. We all get old…we all will get old and sick. Some get sick when younger.
We deserve better from each other. I’m in the states.BTW..
tomk1of1
Sorry for the typos. Why can’t we edit our posts????
Franklin
I kind of do agree with you. Though many people want to deny it, many gay men base their friendships on superficial qualities, or what you can do for them. I think with straight guys and women, the possibility of sexual attraction is removed from the equation, and that pushes them to look beyond physical qualities on focus on shared interests.
JaredMacBride
I would be very skeptical of anyone who claimed to be a “specialist in LGBT affirmative psychotherapy” who does not have the training required to be a “psychotherapist.” The skepticism goes off the charts when this quack recommends a “dating positivity journal.”
To “Lost and Confused” – you’d get better advice from your average bartender. Try it.
Jaxton
The gay-identifying men you meet on the gay scene are one-dimensional. Their lives are based on seeking out sexual acts with men, and that is basically how they structure their interactions with men.
If you’re looking for nourishment at the level of friendship, you’re better off avoiding the artificial, shallow confines of the gay scene.
Even a homophobic straight guy can nourish you better than a shallow gay guy.
JJinAus
I have 1 1/2 gay friends and the rest are straight. Lucky I have a partner because I just cannot relate to the inner city gay ghettos types. I would like more gay rural friends like us, but how do you find them? Go on Grindr? Everyone around us is straight.
JJinAus
PS, 1/2 a gay friend waxes and wanes. We may see him for a while and then he is gone for a year.
Creamsicle
I sometimes feel like this. Most of my friends are straight. I have some good lesbian friends that I like hanging out with, but that’s about it. I live in Santa Barbara, which has a gay community, but I’ve found myself less and less interested in going to the town’s only gay bar (and it’s only gay nights are Sundays).
I’d much rather spend an afternoon or evening at a brewery or a barbecue with friends I’ve made because of our actual common interests. I’m less interested in hanging out with guys just because they understand that being gay is sometimes hard because everything in the world assumes you’re straight. At the same time I also realize that it dra stically lowers my chances of ever finding a mate, which sucks. It really sucks.