IN THE YEAR 2065

CA Woman Predicts Marriage Equality Will Lead To Polygamy, Atomic War, Hunger And Moon Colonies

La Jolla, California, resident Patricia Weber is very concerned about marriage—and also atom bombs and uppity Indians. So mad, in fact, that she penned an op-ed to the La Jolla Light that conjures up a chilling dystopian future in which all hell has broken loose and nobody takes marriage seriously anymore. Also, Native Americans run the country.

It’s 2065 and Chester, a Moon colonist, has returned to Earth to visit his grandson in California. But upon his arrival he’s dismayed to discover that plural marriage is the now the norm.

His grandson explains, “Remember back in the early century when several states changed the definition of marriage? They changed the law by legalizing marriage between two men or two women. Our two-century old definition of marriage was tossed aside. The precedent opened an easy way to further change the definition of marriage, to allow union between one man and two wives, then one woman and two husbands, and after that all hell broke loose! Nobody keeps track anymore.”

Noting his grandfather’s horrified look, Michael continues, “Why did you guys change things in the first place? Don’t you see what damage you did? You should have kept it the way it was!”

But it gets worse: Atomic bombs were dropped at some point and now there are food shortages—Americans just eat intravenously at breakfast and lunch. Why, gay people? Why do you hate dinner? Why did you drop all of your gay bombs on all the delicious dinner food?

That’s not the final indignity: Thanks to our American Indian president, white people live on reservations.

The tale ends with Chester fleeing back to the Moon, where presumably good old-fashioned values like monogamy, heterosexuality and white supremacy reign supreme.