A concerned mother has appealed to famed UK advice columnist Dear Deidre for help in addressing her son’s alcoholism…and possibly his sexuality.
“Dear Deidre,” she writes, “I feel worried sick about my son. He is an alcoholic and is in such a mess. I think the root of the problem may be that he is gay but he just won’t admit it. I am a woman of 62 and he is 40 and lives with me.”
“He has never dated,” she elaborates. “If I mention relationships he says he is fine on his own, but I see how he looks at men. It’s obvious. I feel so weak and helpless that I don’t seem able to help him but I’m not in great health and he is now drinking a bottle of spirits a day.”
Related: Man wonders if he’ gay because he’s never had a girlfriend after being sexually assaulted as a kid
The ever-level-headed Deidre, of course, offers some sound advice in response.
“Attitudes have changed but he may still feel unnecessarily ashamed of his sexuality,” Deidre observes. “You both need urgent help.”
“Contact We Are With You, which offers free, confidential help for those affected by addiction (wearewithyou.org.uk),” Deidre advises, recommending the UK-based charity. “Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays supports parents of gay and trans people and they will be able to help you find the words to talk openly with him.”
In the United States, similar charities offer services tailored to the needs of the LGBTQ community. American Addition Centers offers a guide for queer people and their loved ones to find rehab programs specifically for members of the community. Unfortunately, addiction disproportionately affects the LGBTQ population. American Addiction Centers reports that queer people are twice as likely than their heterosexual/cisgender counterparts to experience problems with drug and alcohol abuse. Experts attribute this trend to societal homophobia and hostility toward LGBTQ people, and to a lack of resources for the community.
johncp56
First, he is in your home!!!! as an adult, if he is not responding to your help, cut off the over boozing it is your home,,,, he is 40!
Fahd
He is an alcoholic and a closet case. I doubt alcoholism can be cured by coming out. Everybody should work on all the issues at one time instead of looking for a cause-effect relationship. Follow Deidre’s advice and get some help; he’s committing protracted suicide.
Donston
“Coming out” isn’t the cure-all that some present it as. And if there’s an addiction issue or even dependency issue then being out is rarely going to completely remove that. There are way too many out queers who contend with addiction and/or mental health struggles to continue leaning on the closet as the sole reason for this. His issues may also be connected to other mental health problems or traumas or fluidity and contradictions. However, yes, hetero pressures, queer insecurities, gay shame, fragile masculinity, toxic sociology or lack of any sociological footing at all are still prevalent among “queers” and can help a lot of stuff grow and persist. Ultimately, it’s important to let your kids know you support them and want what’s best for them. His struggles and journey beyond that are his.
Cam
Shame or internalized homophobia may have been one of the factors in his starting to drink, but even if he comes out now, it sounds like the addiction has moved beyond that and she will still need to get other help in addition to helping him feel better about himself.
Mister P
Gay groups of AA formed to help those who could not get sober with their “ dirty little secret of being gay”
Being gay didn’t cause the alcoholism but it could keep one from sobriety without the honesty of admitting being gay.
radiooutmike
He has to deal with the either the alcoholism or the closet. He does not need to do both at the same time, but starting on one issue may also help the other one.
His mom is doing all she can just by housing him. If she kicked him out, he’d be homeless and probably dead in a few years time.
Tombear
Mothers always know.