Anal sex has become conflated with the male gay or bisexual experience — so much so that the top-vs-bottom question is often the first talking point in Grindr chats. So much so that it’s often the punchline of homophobic jokes. And so much so that people think you have to be into anal to be a gay or bi man (just as they think you have to be a gay or bi man to be into anal).
Take this question from a curious Redditor: “Can you be in a relationship with a guy and not be into the top and bottom stuff?”
“I’m into guys,” the author explains, “but the whole top/bottom stuff doesn’t look enjoyable to me.”
The overwhelming response from commenters? This dude isn’t alone.
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Related: Man insists he’s not a “crybaby twink” just because he doesn’t like anal
In fact, in a study of men who have sex with men — a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2011 — less than 40 percent of respondents had engaged in anal intercourse during their last sexual event.
“Of all sexual behaviors that men reported occurring during their last sexual event, those involving the anus were the least common,” observed Joseph Rosenberger, lead author of the study. “There is certainly a misguided belief that ‘gay sex equals anal sex,’ which is simply untrue much of the time.”
Related: ‘Does not liking backdoor entry make me straight?’ man wonders
Consider what Alim Kheraj writes for GQ: “Sex isn’t one-size fits all, and that applies to anal. Some people aren’t comfortable with the idea of anal penetration, or have tried it and found that it really isn’t for them. This should be common sense, but it’s worth repeating. Additionally, this shouldn’t be a deal breaker for a partner. To limit oneself to just a single flavor is to shut out a smorgasbord of new experiences.”
Two men deciding to have sex is just the beginning of the conversation about what happens next, as sex columnist Dan Savage has repeatedly argued. And even he said he doesn’t do anal every time he has sex.
Archibald Meatpants
It is ignorant to think that all gay guys take it in the ass personally I don’t like anything in my ass or putting my dick into another guys ass but that is my choice, I won’t say I haven’t tried it I just didn’t find it to be a serious part of sex as tbh it’s where waste comes out your body and I don’t like washing some sweet corn off the end of my dick if the recipient hasn’t cleaned his hole
Godabed
this is one of the most ignorant things I have read today. If you don’t like anal sex that’s fine. But waste come out of your mouth as well, what do you think spit is, or how exactly throwup is expelled from the body. Your whole entire body if you think of it is a waste station and if you look into it enough you may just give yourself some sort of phobia. Heterosexual women bleed on a regular basis. Heterosexual men have no problems sticking their d*cks in there.
Maybe it has more to do with the fact that you may be a tad bit too sensitive or have some internalize homophobia that prevents you from really enjoying yourself. Whatever the case may be don’t project it on other people.
Vince
Archibald Meatpants name was created 3 hours ago. Fair to say it’s just another troll account.
GayMafiaKingpin
Waste comes out of the penis, too.
Curtispsf
I find it HARD to believe that Archibald Meatpants is anything but a total bottom, not that there’s anything wrong with a bottom. “I” like to top and bottom and bottom and top. And “I” like to feel my spunk going into a tight hole just as I like to feel a load warming up my butthole. But hey, that’s just “me”. I’m a cum whore. And I’m totally proud of that fact. So there’s that.
Xzamilloh
Oral… frottage… rimming… a finger…. I mean, yeah, anal isn’t the only thing there.
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Brian
I’ve tried bottoming a few times over the years. Every single time it’s been pure pain, not the teensiest bit of pleasure. I’m sure there’s something to it since so many guys love it, but whatever that is, it ain’t happening to me.
Harley
I’m totally with you on this. Having come out in 1980 before the epidemic my dislike of anal probably saved my life while most of my friends around me were dieing. It was still painful to loose so many great friends over the years. I dare say I have an acute case of survivor’s guilt.
Billy Budd
The hidden secret about anal sex is enjoying the pain.
Umoja
Wrong. There is no need for pain to be part of this practice at all.
bonbon
Nah, you’re doing it wrong if it’s painful.
QueerTruth
That’s not a trick. That’s simply a lie that became myth.
Archibald Meatpants
Godabed I’d rather have spit on my dick then it made to look like a melted mars bar and I don’t have any internalised homophobia I have an opinion or is that lost on you or are you just a big old nelly bottom ?
kevin57
Are you actually gay? You don’t seem to understand that most bottoms can and do clean themselves out pretty well. In all my experiences, there has only been one “mishap.” And, frankly, that is possible even when the bottom has prepped himself well. I’m 61 y/o, and I’ve had a lot of experience in this matter.
Celtic
You are an asshole, so you need not worry. Your brown shows and stinks. Grab a super large cuke, condom it and ram it up your ass as far as you can take it. Some guys would like to help.
crowebobby
Don’t be mean to the mitten queen.
Large Hardon Collider
For many of us, oral sex is the main attraction. Fantastic by itself! Believe it or not, if you only do oral you’re still gay, they don’t take away your gay card.
For many of us, anal sex is sort of a bizarre sideshow. Maybe a once-a-year birthday thing with boyfriends. Can be painful unless you do it right. Also it can take a lot of preparation, sorry that’s just the way it is. I had to laugh at the recent Queerty article about “Top Privilege” which was mostly a bunch of whining from self-identified bottoms about how much work is was to clean up and get ready (+ clean up afterward). Aww, sorry, the bottom has to be the one who does that. How would the top do that stuff?
Vince
I’m actually a top but would probably make a good bottom since I eat lots of fiber and clean myself out before dates. I want to keep my bathroom habit in check. It’s really not a big chore.
Large Hardon Collider
@Vince: Okay, and I don’t want to discourage anyone new from at least trying it!
kenaloha
Main attraction because we are good at giving and taking pleasure form oral action. Takes way more skill to give good oral, and to me it feels so much better than in and out of ass action.
Paco
Most males are programmed for penetrative sex. Gay men aren’t an exception.
The disproportionate rates of STIs in the MSM group makes me question just how little anal sex gay men are having. But of course, self-reporting surveys aren’t very reliable. Especially where there is perceived shame attached to bottoming.
Umoja
Every male in their lineage back through every species to the dawn of mammals has successfully climaxed through penetrative sex. (Maybe once or twice there’s a fluke that semen deposited outside gets pushed inside, but this is just a basic fact of male mammals, you wouldn’t exist without a succession of successful sex)
Bromancer7
Of course quickie hookups are going to be mostly oral. Anal requires prep and clean up. But let’s be clear, saying you’re not into anal is saying you don’t like being a top OR a bottom, and I have a really hard time believing that 60%+ of gay men fall into that category. Just like if someone tried to tell me that 60% of straight guys aren’t into vaginal sex. Total BS.
Celtic
Anal sex for men is quite natural, because of the location of our prostate. Some guys do not like it because it is, in fact, painful. My first partner of 8 years was a total top (and a very good one!). I have been versatile throughout my life.
Straight men enjoy anal sex, too. They often will look for a gay man to play as their top, because the wife or girlfriend simply finds it disgusting.
Cleaning out is critical. There are numerous options to achieve a clean hole. There are abundant books and articles on how to prep. A well developed ass on a well developed man is to be devoured and savored.
Lazycrockett
” less than 40 percent of respondents had engaged in anal intercourse during their last sexual event.”
This is the only thing about this article that is important maybe factual.
Mack
Do what you’re comfortable with and enjoy. I’m versatile. It’s important to prep and do it slowly the first several times. Too often one wants to be impatient and that’s where the problem lies. Enjoy.
Donston
One of my previous bfs was not that into anal, though we still engaged in it. And I’ve met a guy who’d been sexually active for years and never engaged in anal and claimed he had no interests in it. It’s not that unusual. There are plenty of straight/hetero-leaning dudes that are into anal, whether taking it or giving it. That doesn’t suddenly make them gay. And there are gay-identifying asexuals. “Gay” is more about passion, sexual comfort, romantic fulfillment. It’s not defined by whether you like anal pounding. People need to learn neither sexual attractions and especially not sexual behaviors are not close to being the be-all of orientation or who you want to be with. I, however, love boy booty.
Umoja
The important point this small entry misses is that many men these days have significantly de-sensitised penises due to porn overuse (and sometimes, also circumcision), as a result anal sex just does not offer their units enough stimulation in order to induce climax. Oral sex often includes some vigorous manual stimulation woven in too.
The good news is that men can restore penile sensitivity – and I did, I had finished from penetration three times in ten years. But abstaining from porn and solo stimulation I have come to find sex satisfying. The cost of not masturbating frequently is very much worth having a penis that responds well to penetration.
Prax07
For me personally, as a bottom, I really am not into anal, not even on oral aspect of it. I don’t find it pleasurable. It hurts, feels uncomfortable, and just doesn’t feel good. The only time I physically want it is when I’m in a relationship. I get off on the fantasy of it, mentally, but just can’t get into it in reality.
The last time I Really wanted it was almost two tears ago with my ex, and not since, till my ex showed up last week asking for a hookup. Niw on the ither hand, if a hookup asks me to stick my tongue ir fingers up in him, I’m loving it. Just nit into it on myself.
Donston
I’m actually cool with mutual oral, making out, wanking off next to each other, caressing, kinky non-anal play. But I at least need to munch on that booty here and there. Honestly, you take away any booty action, and I’d probably consider myself close to 50-50 pan-sexual from a sexual standpoint. But I understand that a person can only and should only do what they’re comfortable with and enjoy. And although I top I have had a difficult time getting into anal without having a real romantic and emotional connection with that dude. (Yet, oddly enough, fvcking random females was never a problem in my younger years).
Scout
For me, the anus is solely an exit hole, and being a top requires too much effort (condoms, lube, athletic insertions that require too much patience) ! Good kissing, oral, body contact, frottage, mutual JO, have all been fine for me and my partners. I think gay guys see how easy it looks watching gay porn and make it part of what they think gay sex should be about.
Paco
It is easy, both topping and bottoming. I do both and never feel burdened. I won’t meet up for anything less than full penetrative sex. It’s extremely satisfying.
Chrisk
@Scout. I have a feeling that you’re one of those types that just lay back for the no strings non-reciprocal blowjob. I just hope you let your partner’s know there’s no second act to it. Lol
Chrisk
@Paco. It is and I have a feeling allot of these i don’t do this and I don’t do that commenters above are pretty much dead fishes in bed.
swamp bubble
You are too lazy for sex.
Scout
@chrisk. Actually there’s a lot of truth to what you said! Lol. However, I do reciprocate.
Rock-N-RollHS
This is news? Was this article penned by some twenty-something who just got their Ph.D. in gay scene studies?
Rock-N-RollHS
As one drag queen once told me: “Sit on my face, and I’ll follow you anywhere!”
ubettergetit
This is totally me. I really have no desire to do anal but love men.
Dansktex
I’ve been sexually active since the 1960s. I’ve never had more enjoyable sex than anal sex when I was the one doing the penetrating. But I’ve also never had less enjoyable sex than when I was the one being penetrated. It’s the prostate gland which makes anal sex enjoyable one one is the “bottom,” so that makes the difference for most cases. Unfortunately, stimulating my prostate does not provide enough pleasure to offset the pain of penetration. For those worried about the dirty aspect, I’ve never enjoyed that when the “top,” but I have never felt as much enjoyment and have never come as easily through any other kind of sex. Because of my dilemma, I never have expected anal sex. It just doesn’t feel right to expect something when I am not comfortable providing it myself. Therefore, most of my sex during all these decades has been oral sex, mutual masturbation, frottage, etc.
Umoja
Start with a small toy in the shower that you control in your own time and find that prostate in a way that doesn’t trigger pain. No one is born full comprehending the intricacies of being penetrated. For me it was horrible up until it wasn’t, and then it rarely ever was bad from then on.
PinkoOfTheGange
Okay so 60+% did have it during their last hook up. But what about the 4 times before?
What are the rest of the study’s findings behind its paywall?
Umoja
Sensible questions. It also misses the guys who had anal sex, followed by a non-penetrative hook up in the same day.
OzJosh
I would also want to know where the survey was done, since attitudes to anal vary enormously from culture to culture. Americans, by way of example, are unbelievably squeamish and prudish about anal sex compared with most other gay cultures.
Geeker
Anal is one of those things that looks hot in porn but in real life isn’t worth the effort.
OzJosh
LOL. Was this report written by someone with any gay experience at all?!!
So only 40% of gay/bi guys had anal sex DURING THEIR LAST SEXUAL ENCOUNTER. Hello?! My last sexual encounter may well have been a quick blowie from a chance encounter or a lazy hand-job with a long-term partner on a busy morning before work. Neither is any indication of whether I enjoy or frequently engage in anal sex. I’ve no doubt there are gay guys who never go there. But I also know there are many, many guys who reserve anal for serious partners only. Or have it only infrequently because a partner isn’t as into it. Or any number of other variations. And what about the bi guys in relationships with women who only have sneaky encounters with guys on the side? The statistic tells you only what those guys did on their last sexual encounter; it’s in no way an indication of the percentage of gay/bi guys who like or frequently have anal sex.
Paco
Plus the Reddit comment the article is based on sounds like the person hasn’t even tried it, top or bottom. I think some of these guys overthink it and overdo the prep as if they are going to be taking a forearm up there. Just goes to show how there is a desperate need for Sex Ed that includes LGBTQ people.
If the 40% number were even accurate, I am sure the anti-gay evangelical loons would be thrilled that their years of demonizing gay sex is finally having an impact on the sex lives of gay men.
Slash
For many years I was almost solely a top. I’ve always enjoyed anal and most guys I was with seemed to happily gravitate to me topping. The idea of bottoming always seemed really intimate and fantastical but it wasn’t really something I did. A (mostly) straight married friend told me about his experience doing coke with a buddy one time and being shocked how much he loved bottoming during that night. Not sure where he really falls on the gay/straight spectrum but he is still married with kids many, many years later. Anyway, that’s not the important point.
He got me thinking that maybe I should try some coke and bottom. I’m not a big drug guy and wouldn’t push it on anyone but I admit I loved bottoming with it. It sort of helped me to learn how to relax and take control of opening up and enjoy it. I am now flexible and can enjoy bottoming, and haven’t done coke in years. For me, its purely a question of relaxation and can you get past any fears, internalized homophobia, cleanliness issues, etc. I don’t do anal every time I have sex but I admit that my most intense orgasms are when I bottom.
Terrycloth
Its expected if you are a pornstar…there has only been 2 occasions where I really liked it.every other time I pleaded for it to stop
Chrisk
That’s the very reason why I don’t watch much of today’s porn. You can tell when somebody’s into it and when they’re not.