Vlogger Bradley Birkholz recently came out as a “side” (a.k.a. a gay guy who is neither a top nor a bottom) in an essay published by Gay Star News. As a result, he says, he’s received a barrage of negative criticism.
“When I admitted to the world that I didn’t much care for anal sex–I didn’t expect quite such a hateful backlash,” he says.
Related: This vlogger invites you to “banish the b-hole binary” by giving up top and bottom labels
He continues: “I was surprised by how controversial my sex life was to readers and the viewers on my YouTube channel. In some comments, I was even called a ‘straight 10-year-old’ and a ‘heterosexist’ homophobe.”
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
But those accusations, Bradley says, couldn’t be further from the truth.
“If you follow the accusations put to me – does not liking anal make me straight? Or homophobic?” he wonders.
Rather than getting defensive, he’s decided to turn the whole situation into a teachable moment.
elated: Don’t call me gay, I’m an androphile: The latest sexual subculture to add to your vocabulary
“There isn’t a right or wrong way to be a gay man,” Bradley reminds everyone. “Nobody should ever feel pressured into doing something they don’t enjoy, and especially not in the bedroom.”
He adds, “There’s no reason to place expectations and pressure on something that’s beautifully diverse and entirely intimate and experience dependent.”
Watch Bradley address the controversy head on below.
Kangol
As soon as I saw the headline I knew who the writer was.
Meanwhile, LGBTQ history continues to unfold:
1) The first same-sex marriages are taking place in Australia now that the new law is in place.
2) Openly trans people can now enroll in the military, since a judge halted Trump’s tweeted ban on trans military people’s service.
3) Trump banned the Centers for Disease Control from using the word “transgender”
4) Bermuda’s governor has announced his decision to sign bill re-banning same-sex marriage
5) The Constitutional Court in predominantly Muslim nation Indonesia (largest Islamic population on earth) rejects extremist attempts to ban gay sex.
But hey, sort-of-straight or maybe not guys involved in iffy studies is this site’s bread and butter, right, along with IG posts, etc.
Donston
That’s actually not what this article is about… for once.
Bradley Birkholz
You can discuss all of these issues at the same time as other issues (like sexuality). It’s not one or the other. Nobody is saying gay sex is more important than the things you’ve listed. They’re just different conversations. Just because those are more important doesn’t mean they’re the only things we’re allowed to talk about online.
Kangol
@Bradley Birkholz, the issue is this site RARELY discusses topics like this. Unless it can somehow tie a hot twink or Melania Trump into the mix. It used to discuss them, but now, especially from the writer of the original article, there tends to be a focus on whether someone is straight or not or semi-straight, etc. So not desiring anal sex leads to a post about “does that make me straight.” UGH!
Donston
No one’s definition of being a homo is “enjoys anal sex” or at least it shouldn’t be. Whether you think orientation is arousal, lust/desire/passion, romantic instincts, romantic satisfaction or some mixture, none of it equates to the type of sex you’re into. Not liking to top or bottom is not an automatic reflection of obsession with hetero-normalcy or internalized homophobia. There are a lot more obvious signs that people ignore for the sake of silliness like this. Now, if you’re only into “straight guys” or “mostly straight guys” and having intercourse with them takes away the “hetero appeal” for you that’s a different story. But that hardly seems to be the case here.
Bradley Birkholz
Thank you very much for this Donston. You’re absolutely right and hit the nail on the head. Rest assured, I’m only into gay guys. I don’t condone those who aren’t, or the “g0y” movement in the slightest. People have definitely turned my words and story into something it isn’t. Glad that Queerty has represented me well.
Heywood Jablowme
Guys who are really, really, really into anal sex think everyone should do it. They get strangely judgmental about it. (Worse, nowadays they think it’s more “intimate” and everyone should do it bareback. That’s just f*cking stupid.) But not everyone has their prostate in the magic spot, that’s all.
Oral sex is much easier to do. You don’t need to spend half an hour getting ready for it. And it’s still “gay” if it involves two guys.
Believe it or not, you’re still GAY if you only like oral sex.
Donston
I don’t always like to fvck. Me and my husband have sometimes gone over a week without anal. But I must eat that arse.
Paco
A man can’t live happily on “sides” alone.
If you only like foreplay, then good for you. I need more than rubbing, licking and masturbation.
Heywood Jablowme
If you consider anything other than anal to be “foreplay,” that’s YOUR problem and your judgmental prejudice.
Paco
The only one being judgmental is you. My preference is not a problem for me and never has been one. I have never encountered a potential hookup that wasn’t interested in anal and being asked if I am a Top or Bottom has never offended or bothered me. It’s expected.
Heywood Jablowme
@Paco: I don’t doubt you can easily find hookups who are into what you’re into, but:
“A man can’t live happily on ‘sides’ alone.”
That’s the very definition of judgmental.
Bradley Birkholz
Agreed with everyone else here. Rubbing, licking, and masturbation aren’t the only options outside of anal, and they’re certainly not foreplay. I, personally, believe your perspective of sex to be a very simplistic one.
Paco
Ahh… ok. Not being satisfied unless some anal is happening is “simplistic”. Well lucky for me that my “simplistic” preference for sexual satisfaction is shared by a large enough number of people that I didn’t need to make a video whining about it.
Paco
And to answer the question “Does not liking anal make me straight?”, no, it makes you a man that doesn’t like to fvck or be fvcked.
Geeker
I don’t like anal and I happen to be very gay.lol
Doug
This is much ado about nothing. Who cares if this guy likes anal sex or not?
peterluthy
I’m in my early 60’s and have (had) many gay male friends 20, or more, years my senior. I was often surprised to find many of these men never had anal sex, even in long term committed relationships.
I have since found from further research and reading, anal sex was far less common in past decades and centuries, than it is today.
I don’t think homosexual attraction has much to do with how, or what type of physical sex one has with a partner, like most desires, mental or physical, they’re different for everyone.
Xzamilloh
Frottage, oral, rimming, fingers…. that also works and gets the job done
The end.
Jaxton
Anal sex lovres tend to be fetishists. It’s a fetish. Usually, they are the worst type of people. I remember being propositioned once by one such creep. I think his first words to me were “Are you a top or bottom?”.
Like, give me a barf bag, dude.
Heywood Jablowme
The horror… the horror!
You poor thing, you must have been traumatized.
Well, if YOU don’t like anal sex, Brian, I guess I’ll have to rethink this! Maybe I like anal more than I realized.
Donston
Anal sex is not inherently fetishistic. It can be. But the fetishistic aspect is often more connected to hetero or “mostly hetero” men who persistently indulge anal sex due to gender dis-morphia or liking to dominate sexually or feel dominated. That can sometimes be the case for gay men as well. But if you are a man who has genuine and substantial attraction, desire, passion and romantic feelings for other men then you’re often gonna develop a desire for some anal activity. Not always but often. I am attracted to everything a man has to offer. However, beyond a man’s face a man’s butt is what I find most physically appealing and a turn on. And I’m not gonna apologize for that.
Paco
This topic does make me wonder how many straight men only like rubbing, oral and handjobs and abhor penetrative sex. How many don’t like to instinctually mount another person during sex? This can’t just be a gay phenomenon. Could it be an aversion to what the anus is usually used for that is the reason?
jjose712
Well, it’s not exactly the same. The vagina is designed to be penetrated during sex, you can not say the same about the anus
Paco
Since a subset of heterosexuals do engage in backdoor sex, I can say it is the same thing. I spent my whole life having homophobes say the penis is for vagina only where sex between two men is concerned. I don‘t like vagina but am a man that likes penetrative sex.
Gays really need to stop adopting the anti gay talking points and beliefs that have been used as weapons against us.
OzJosh
The reason he copped a backlash is that he a) misrepresented the gay community by implying that guys not into anal are somehow stigmatised or marginalised or seen as not quite gay; b) inventing a whole dumb new category that he called “sides” and c) peddling half-truths for no other reason than creating clickbait. It also never seems to occur to him that his feelings about anal may have something to do with internalised homophobia.
Heywood Jablowme
“misrepresented the gay community by implying that guys not into anal are somehow stigmatised or marginalised or seen as not quite gay”
You interpreted that exactly backwards (um, no pun intended). He was NOT doing that, but the guys who COMMENTED on him were indeed stigmatizing him and marginalizing him and implying he was not quite gay, etc.
And now you do it again by declaring he has “internalized homophobia”! WTF.
STS
@OzJosh, although it takes some effort the article that appears on gay star news is worth a read. the video is just the original author commenting on the comments that were left on his opinion piece. I don’t know about others but it seems a leap to go from not liking or anal sex to having internal homophobia – those two things are in different wheel houses. The original piece was rather light with not much substance but essentially all the author was saying was you shouldn’t feel pressured to be into anal sex, and that it’s okay not to be into anal sex. I am in no way a champion for the original author, in fact I’ve never heard of him before today, but a quick google search show that he didn’t invent the term “side”, so although it might be a dumb meaningless term, he’s just using it the way it was used in a recent huff post article.
I’m not attacking your use of internalized homophobia, lots of folk revert to that as a reason for justifying an attack on any viewpoint by a gay man that runs counter to the “gay norm”. Although i’m sure some gay men do have some self hate, I don’t think it’s so often at the root of differing opinions on things such as anal sex, public displays of affection, masculine vs. feminine and so on.
At the end of the day, does it really matter at all to you, or me if some gay men don’t like or engage in butt sex? I have tried a few back door events and have always thought that it’s really not fun or enjoyable at all, in fact the first time I did anything like that I told the guy “You’d never have to do that to me again ever” I just disliked the way it felt so much I knew I’d never do it again. The same it true of any butt related sexual things like rimming or fingering, none of it is the least bit stimulating in a sexual way.
Sadly, I think as gay men we get too much of our sexual education from porn, butt sex in gay porn looks like it would be amazing, and there are guys who truly love it, but watching men who are attractive “act” like they like butt sex for pay, is very different than the real thing.
I think for a gay man this is a bigger deal than one would think. In our hook-up culture it can be very hard to find a truly compatible partner especially a life partner, and any small thing that runs counter to the current “gay norm” is a strike against your chances at finding “the one”. Some might complain sides, aromantics, and other groups, the truth is those groups help like-minded people find each other. If you are not into sides or aromantics, then just let them be, they don’t change what it means to be gay, they are just another part of the rainbow.
Paco
@OzJosh, His 5 reasons for not liking anal were really a display of his ineptitude about it. Two of which were – He is too lazy to clean out, and cleaning out is too messy. He’s doing it wrong if either one of those things are a problem.
The other one is that it seems to bother him if he is asked if he is a top or a bottom. That is called negotiating sex. Apparently it requires a video instead of just telling the potential partner that he doesn’t enjoy anal sex but can show the guy a good time in other ways instead.
The comments for his video were disturbing. Apparently the younger generation now views anal sex as a stereotype that needs to be done away with because heterosexuals use it against them.
DJBottomBB
I don’t know about anybody but their back door but this back door has a fresh cherry on it’s been building for 9 years it needs to be popped before I have to leave this state in this apartment my best friend of 20 years passed away 7 days ago 1 week last weekend I don’t really want to talk about it anymore because if I do I’ll start crying I’ve known him for 20 years in my best friend ever since I met him so so I need this Cherry pops before I leave I’d like to have it popped and pumped hard and filled before I leave if I still had my last test results I’d have late right out here on the table you would see that I am STD and HIV negative so I don’t know how anybody can respond because they are not regular chat rooms in this website and I thought they took over and renamed it and just created it a new chat rooms like gay.com had, posting a comment to a wall it’s no way to chat with people!
TTTTom
First off, I was going to tell Bradley to not worry about it but after watching the video I see he’s not. Good.
Secondly, much to my dismay, no anal is way more common than he might be aware. Lots of dudes don’t dig it. Am I allowed to say that that phenom, as far as I know, is rampant among Jewish men w/o offending? I think pointing that out is as relevant, and good to know, as it is disappointing.
Lastly, and I’m not sure about this either, but top and bottom aren’t only about anal. I think they also refer to how aggressive or passive you might be.
So go ahead and pick one.
Oh, and while I’m at it, wouldn’t we all feel better if we went back to wearing those nifty little colorful hankies?
Josh447
I effing hate that repetitive Cindy Lauper commercial you can’t skip. It’s too much and effing obnoxious. I’m canceling my donation.
Mandrake
The anal sex component of gay sex is only a preference, not a goal. Gay porn makes it a goal, and too often we think it’s requisite in a relationship or we’re frigid. We have also made it seem a requisite by the identifying top or bottom descriptives on all the gay sites. How demeaning to qualify who we are sexually by those two words.
STS
The G0ys have been mentioned a few times in the comments, I have no real feeling about G0ys, but it seems most on queerty dislike them so I did a little reading.
If I keep and open mind, some of the G0ys points are valid. I think what I find most offensive is the overall tone of the G0ys movement, instead of being gay bitches they end up sounding like man bitches. I can completely understand why many man don’t want to have anything to do with anyone else’s butt. Likewise, i understand how it seems masculinity is under attack, or how some are trying to redefine masculinity. However, even with an open mind there is something toxic about the about the G0ys movement, indeed, there is an underlying mean spiritedness to the movement that is different but not unlike that which I find in gay culture. I guess in the case of the G0ys movement, that mean spiritedness is part of being “masculine” where as in gay culture the mean spiritedness is part camp and part rooted in being treated so poorly by the world. I do like and even identify with some of G0ys tenets, but the movement feels like it could easily go off the rails and become a hate group.
I think I understand why most on queerty dislike the G0ys movement.
Paco
G0ys are a self-loathing anti-gay hate group that blames gay men for everything. It’s the same old mind bending tricks closet cases have always used to feel “normal” and accepted by heterosexuals and religion even though they are attracted to their same sex and blame gays for them not being accepted by the homophobes that hate them.
They are as toxic as any right wing Christian group.
Donston
The whole “g0y” thing doesn’t seem to be primarily about not liking anal sex or even “defending” masculinity. It’s more driven by thinking any form of penetration is “rape” (which hints towards lot of these dudes having childhood issues that they never worked through) as well as resenting any form of femininity and desperately wanting to detach yourself from anything connected to “gay” or “homo”. It’s not only self-hating it’s lame and highlights insecurity and general internal issues. “Issues” in many people, especially many gay and gay-leaning men, manifest themselves in many different ways. That’s just another way. But these types of men have always existed. They just have a term to cling on to.
stevetalbert
The whole point about sexual freedom and gay liberation is that you can be to be whatever you feel like and do whatever you like as long as its with consenting adults. Who cares if a person likes anal or not unless you are the one involved and anal is an issue with you? We need to move beyond labels. Thats the whole point of what people have been fighting for.
jkthsnk
This has MOSTLY been my sex life for 40 years and it has been and continues to be MOSTLY amazing.
Mr-DJ
Gay vs Straight isn’t about sex. It is about people.
alanballs
man is stupid……..article is stupid.
Sluggo2007
Now I remember why I stopped reading this idiotic bullshit.
Knight
One really has to wonder how these non-stories keep getting published. This Bradley guy gets like maybe 8 comments on his page…and this is considered a “barrage of hate”? Can you say severe delusions? Well, apparently he and Graham are in the same category then (which may be why they keep sucking up to each other).
Luna1979
I’m not a porn star, so I really can’t do anal every day. I’m not even sure that is healthy. I’m verse but I feel awkward asking my bf to bottom. Only if he offers. Get that out the way… I can’t help how I view sex, but if it’s not penetration, It’s foreplay or just getting each other off. Doesn’t mean i don’t love or respect him. Doesn’t mean these acts are worthless. I just classify them this way. I really don’t know why that’s wrong.
He BGB
Isn’t it about WHY you don’t like anal? If you think it takes away your manhood or makes you weak like a woman then you’re just ignorant and misogynistic. If you don’t like it because you like to top or bottoming hurts (physical reasons) then okay or you’re probably not doing it right and not relaxing. Hehe.
DCguy
Yes Bradley, Not liking anal makes you straight.
But wearing a belt and shoes that match makes you gay right back again. So you’re back where you started.
Ugh, stories like this……..
Rex Huskey
I’ve f*cked more “straight” men in my life. That’s usually the first, only or main thing they want….
straight man = bottoms in queer sex