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I want to have a gay orgy for my 30th birthday… should I tell my girlfriend?

Hi Jake,

I consider myself to be mostly straight/bicurious. I messed around with a few guys when I was in college, but it was never anything serious and I’ve only ever had penetrative sex with women. I’m going to be turning 30 next month and I have this weird birthday fantasy: I want to get gang banged by multiple guys at once. I really feel like it’s something I need to do, and this milestone birthday feels like a good time. The only problem is I don’t know how to tell my girlfriend. She knows I’ve fooled around with dudes before we were together and was totally cool with it, but I don’t know how she would handle it if I asked about doing this particular thing. I want her permission, but part of me thinks maybe it’s better to keep it to myself. She probably wouldn’t ever find out or care and I would obviously use protection. What should I do?

13 (Guys) Going on ‘30’

Dear 13 (Guys) Going on ’30’,

Your fantasy isn’t necessarily a “weird” one, and if Pornhub is any indication, you certainly aren’t alone in it. It simply sounds as if there’s more exploration in your future as far as your sexual life goes, and perhaps you aren’t quite ready to settle down into one type of sex, or one monogamous relationship for that matter.

Milestone birthdays (happy 30th, by the way!) often give us the chance to take stock of our lives, and allow us to consider what we might want to experience before we move into another decade. By saying you feel it’s something you “need” to do, my inclination is that there is a part of you that wants to fully express yourself sexually, and this experience would allow you to do that.

The gang bang fantasy is appealing for many because there is a desired passiveness in it. You simply get to be “taken” and “used” in a way that is pleasurable and all consuming, almost as a consenting “object” with little required intimacy. It relinquishes responsibility in a world full of decisions, negotiations, and give and take.

As a mostly straight/bicurious guy, you may also be drawn to this scenario to fully assess what your sexual preferences are, and there’s nothing wrong with that exploration either. You may be wondering where you truly lie (no pun intended), and if having this experience will push you one way or another down that spectrum. If that’s the case, I celebrate you wanting to try various things to understand yourself better (flushing it out with an affirmative therapist can also help).

As for your girlfriend, this is where the integrity part comes in. I would advise that you move forward in whatever way feels open and honest and in line with whatever spoken or unspoken agreements are in place in your current relationship. For example, if you guys have a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy, then maybe it’s not necessary to talk to her about this fantasy.

If it would be considered cheating, however, I’d strongly advise a different path, simply because: 1. It would be dishonest, and 2. It would likely cause you to feel guilt, which can affect your self-worth, plus drive a wedge in your relationship. To me, the bigger issue here is your desire to have sexual experiences that don’t include her, and whether they are gay are straight is irrelevant. You’ll need to talk to her about this, establish the rules, and make sure that you’re both OK with them before moving forward.

Our fantasies can provide a glimpse into our psyche, desires, and feelings, so I do encourage you to entertain them. Sometimes simply talking about them openly with our partner is all that we need to satisfy our needs. If you decide to take it a step further and make your fantasy a reality, I encourage you to be honest, open, safe, and responsible. Choose your partners wisely, and know your limits. One last thing…isn’t 13 an unlucky number? Might want to make it an even 12.

Jake Myers the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space , the first LGBTQ owned and operated national platform for teletherapy. He has a Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy, and is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in both California and Florida.

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You can also email Jake at jakemyers@queerty.com