Hi Jake,
I consider myself to be mostly straight/bicurious. I messed around with a few guys when I was in college, but it was never anything serious and I’ve only ever had penetrative sex with women. I’m going to be turning 30 next month and I have this weird birthday fantasy: I want to get gang banged by multiple guys at once. I really feel like it’s something I need to do, and this milestone birthday feels like a good time. The only problem is I don’t know how to tell my girlfriend. She knows I’ve fooled around with dudes before we were together and was totally cool with it, but I don’t know how she would handle it if I asked about doing this particular thing. I want her permission, but part of me thinks maybe it’s better to keep it to myself. She probably wouldn’t ever find out or care and I would obviously use protection. What should I do?
13 (Guys) Going on ‘30’
Dear 13 (Guys) Going on ’30’,
Your fantasy isn’t necessarily a “weird” one, and if Pornhub is any indication, you certainly aren’t alone in it. It simply sounds as if there’s more exploration in your future as far as your sexual life goes, and perhaps you aren’t quite ready to settle down into one type of sex, or one monogamous relationship for that matter.
Milestone birthdays (happy 30th, by the way!) often give us the chance to take stock of our lives, and allow us to consider what we might want to experience before we move into another decade. By saying you feel it’s something you “need” to do, my inclination is that there is a part of you that wants to fully express yourself sexually, and this experience would allow you to do that.
The gang bang fantasy is appealing for many because there is a desired passiveness in it. You simply get to be “taken” and “used” in a way that is pleasurable and all consuming, almost as a consenting “object” with little required intimacy. It relinquishes responsibility in a world full of decisions, negotiations, and give and take.
As a mostly straight/bicurious guy, you may also be drawn to this scenario to fully assess what your sexual preferences are, and there’s nothing wrong with that exploration either. You may be wondering where you truly lie (no pun intended), and if having this experience will push you one way or another down that spectrum. If that’s the case, I celebrate you wanting to try various things to understand yourself better (flushing it out with an affirmative therapist can also help).
As for your girlfriend, this is where the integrity part comes in. I would advise that you move forward in whatever way feels open and honest and in line with whatever spoken or unspoken agreements are in place in your current relationship. For example, if you guys have a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy, then maybe it’s not necessary to talk to her about this fantasy.
If it would be considered cheating, however, I’d strongly advise a different path, simply because: 1. It would be dishonest, and 2. It would likely cause you to feel guilt, which can affect your self-worth, plus drive a wedge in your relationship. To me, the bigger issue here is your desire to have sexual experiences that don’t include her, and whether they are gay are straight is irrelevant. You’ll need to talk to her about this, establish the rules, and make sure that you’re both OK with them before moving forward.
Our fantasies can provide a glimpse into our psyche, desires, and feelings, so I do encourage you to entertain them. Sometimes simply talking about them openly with our partner is all that we need to satisfy our needs. If you decide to take it a step further and make your fantasy a reality, I encourage you to be honest, open, safe, and responsible. Choose your partners wisely, and know your limits. One last thing…isn’t 13 an unlucky number? Might want to make it an even 12.
Jake Myers the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space , the first LGBTQ owned and operated national platform for teletherapy. He has a Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy, and is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in both California and Florida.
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Cam
I always like the thing where people say “I’m mostly straight…..BUT”.
So, mostly straight, but want to possibly blow up your straight relationship.
People are so concerned about letting everybody know that they are MOSTLY straight. He could just say, hey, I’m dating a woman but have also had sex with men and for my 30th I’d like to….
Republicans and other bigots are going to hate you even if you’re “mostly” straight, so may as well own your feelings.
SamB
A man claiming to be a woman is ok with you, but you have a problem with someone saying he’s “mostly straight”?
Mack
Sounds like SamB is our troll for the day.
man5996853
Oh, precious, precious Sam B…you can try to get us angry by typing stupid sh1t anonymously and pressing “post-comment” but we all know you hang out at your local Walmart, giving bjs to all the truck drivers delivering discount bras. And, I’ll go out on a limb and assume that you only prefer sucking off the pot-bellied white dudes. So, so precious.
Bosch
Hey SamB, both sexual orientation and gender are neurological. A transwoman calling herself masculine is a lie, just as a bisexual calling himself straight is a lie.
SamB
Bosch: Gender is the same thing as sex. Only recently is the word being coopted to mean something else. A trans woman calling herself a woman is the lie, she is a trans woman and a DNA test would still show her to be a man. This guy saying he’s “mostly straight” only means that usually he prefers women to have sex with or maybe prefers women to partner with for whatever reason. That is valid and not a lie.
Bosch
You’re misinformed. Gender and sex didn’t become synonyms until the 19th century, when the word “sex” became eroticized. Gender originally meant “category”, and it was applied to linguistics to separate between masculine, feminine, and neuter words. It then made its way into paychology to distinguish between masculine and feminine behavioural patterns. Do you understand the difference between male and masculine? Do you understand the difference between female and feminine? Then you understand the difference between sex and gender.
Bosch
“Gender is the same thing as sex. ”
Let me explain this easily: the concept of “gender” comes from psychology, and the concept of “sex” comes from biology.
SamB
Bosch: The term gender comes from the Latin “genus” which usually meant race, family, nation, and then from old French genre, which meant a category, and yes this was used in biology as well. The fact that the the word sex was swapped out with gender in the middle ages proves that they were synonyms. There was no psychological notion of sex as being different than gender in any ancient history and I dare you to find me a true example of one being using for biology only and for neurological sex… whatever that means. It was in the 1955 when John Money used the term to describe human characteristics. From there it was picked up by feminist writers in the 60’s who used it to reference social attributes as well as biological.
So no, gender was not originally a psychological term.
Bosch
@SamB you read what I say but you don’t quite understand what I say. I said very specifically that gender meant category and came to psychology via linguistics. How am I the. I pmyiny that gender is originally a psychological word? Good job researching Jon money though.
So, let’s say we have it your way. What word do we then use to label the masculinity-femininity scale? Let me guess: none?
Dumbing down your vocabulary in order to assert a political opinion is not a sign of intelligence.
Bosch
@SamB and funny that you use the term “neurological sex”, because I sure didn’t.
However, you may be interested in knowing that the brain can be fysiologically more male or female than the genitals would suggest.
SamB
Bosch: Genre in French was not specific to psychology and, like I stated, was absolutely used in biology. To answer your question, what word do we then use to label the masculinity-femininity scale? How about this person appears masculine and/or feminine? Because a man thinks he’s a woman, doesn’t make him a woman, but there are steps someone can go through to live the life they feel comfortable in, and I support that as long as it’s an adult, but I will not be in a fantasy world and pretend biology doesn’t exist.
Bosch
@SamB. Holy moly Sam. It’s not hard to understand. Masculine and feminine are genders, and male and female are sexes.
The definition has asbolutely nothing to do with how you feel about trans people.
Bosch
“Because a man thinks he’s a woman, doesn’t make him a woman,”
Huh! If only we had WORDS to differentiate between those things.
Bosch
“I will not be in a fantasy world and pretend biology doesn’t exist.”
So in other words, we need to stop pretending that gender is biological?
Huh. So you DO understand, you just don’t WANT to.
SamB
Bosch: I tried to explain it to you. Sex and gender are, historically, the same thing, and it’s only recently that some people are redefining the word gender. The fact that you and others need a new word to describe something doesn’t mean I have to accept it.
Bosch
@SamB yes honey, we already know you refuse to use the word “gender” properly because trans people.
inbama
@Bosch
You are grossly misinformed. Below, usage of gender as sex from the Oxford English Dictionary:
a. gen. Males or females viewed as a group; = sex n.1 1. Also: the property or fact of belonging to one of these groups.
1474 in C. L. Kingsford Stonor Lett. & Papers (1919) I. 142 (MED) His heyres of the masculine gender of his body lawfully begoten.
1580 W. Fulke Retentiue 92 For there is but one Lord..both of men and of Angels, which doth not onely exclude all other Lordes of the masculine gender, but much more all Ladyes.
1656 Earl of Monmouth tr. T. Boccalini Ragguagli di Parnasso 135 Strength..was a vertue attributed to the masculine gender.
1868 Radical 3 386 A very modest lady acquaintance of ours can bake bread, shoot a gun, ride a horse… Yet she is not an exception to the radical capacity of her gender.
Bosch
Hey inbama, do you see how it says “masculine gender” and “feminine gender” in those definitions? And how many times did I say gender refers to masculinity-femininity?
Bosch
@inbama from the very same OED entry, a part which you decided to omit:
The state of being male or female as expressed by social or cultural distinctions and differences, rather than biological ones; the collective attributes or traits associated with a particular sex, or determined as a result of one’s sex. Also: a (male or female) group characterized in this way.
Cam
@SamB
Notice how the right wing troll wants to deflect any topic onto Trans people so it can attack them?
Your trolling is sad and weak.
fredk3
amazing how deflection of the topic seems acceptable to some people. either comment on the point raised specifically or create a new one. it’s kind of schizo otherwise.
Brian
a) I don’t think you should attach random photos of unrelated people to headlines like this.
b) Is this question even real? Slate often has similar questions, and some of those are fabricated for clicks, comments, and ads. Are there really so few interesting questions that you decide you have to lie?
quantum
lol i think that everytime i see stock photography on a queerty article. A model sued Getty images for being used as the face of NYC’s HIV awareness campaign.
Mr. Stadnick
It is like the Weekly World News at Queerty. Is any of this real? The use of ‘probably” is the clue. This cut and paste blogging and can’t be remotely taken seriously.
Who is Ed Anger this week?
nm4047
I would suggest it is a copyright free stock photo, the subject most likely was paid and signed an agreement that he/she would not seek to royalties etc and hence used wildly by the media worldwide. Does however seem to be a click bait story. Alternatively, he has always been a closeted gay and now reached the age that many seem to reach, then fill confident enough to tell the world I’m really gay and have been living the life as a straight man to fit in. Like versatile men that quantify that with ‘I’m 75% bottom’
mailliw110
So, your only problem with the article is the headline picture? Anything on the article itself, or are you really that stuck on looks?
Donston
There are plenty of dudes who claim to be “mostly ‘gay”, but they’re actually no where near inherently homosexual and/or they’ve indulged a lot of heterosexual behaviors. At the end of the day, these identities are just words people decide to attach to or not, and people use them however they wish. No matter what someone presents, it’s impossible to know the dimensions of anyone’s sexuality, experiences, preferences, fluidity, motivations, insecurities, where they are in the gender, sexual, affection, romantic, emotion, commitment spectrum. Once again, this is why I don’t hyper focus on identities as much as others do.
As far as the orgy stuff, it sounds like more like paraphilia than legitimately being into his sex. But you can honestly never know. However, I kinda doubt this story is legit. (“13 going on 30 guys”, come on). I’m rather over these sites using secret salacious queer desires or DL homo behaviors for attention. The shit is passé, hetero-centric and borderline anti-gay. Find some other ways to get clicks.
Kangol2
Uh, if you’re participating in a same-sex orgy, you pretty much better be interested in your same sex and gender. Clearly he is and wants to explore what sex with multiple guys at the same would be like.
Donston
The point I was making is that it makes little sense to have barely “explored” with your sex and never experienced anal, yet, you’re talking about planning to get gang-banged. Grown people know that anal is not something you can just rush into willy-nilly. It also doesn’t sound like something a dude with no anal experience and barely any same-sex experiences would secretly concoct for his birthday. That’s what makes it come off more like paraphilia and trying to do something subversive than having legit same-sex interests. But I was more calling out how unlikely this story is. It’s like someone heard about DL dudes and dudes in hetero marriages indulging gay orgies. So, they tried to fill in the blanks with unlikely/ridiculous details. It as well makes little sense for this dude to seek out that type of advice from a random small columnist instead of just going on the internet anonymously like everyone else. While the question isn’t even really a question. It’s just a bunch of tawdry details and backstory. Once again, it’s probably out queers using hetero-normalcy and being DL for some fantasy, clicks and clout.
I’ve had too much experience with DL guys, closeted guys, dudes looking to “experiment”, dudes dealing with fluidity and confusions and paraphiliacs and hyper-sexuality, dudes who present as “mostly straight”. It’s not difficult to suss out the bs. Either the question was made up or the person who sent it was fvcking with him and trying to get published.
mailliw110
Well, there’s that! In any case, orgies that look fun on Pornhub are not as easy to replicate in real life.
cuteguy
Sex is fluid. And if his gf had no problem previously with him being with other guys, she shouldn’t now. It’s refreshing to see this happening bc it’s always been acceptable for women to “experiment” with other women and this is no stigma attached. This guy make have the experience and not like it. So glad he’s man enough to express his true desires. Let ppl do what they want to as long as it’s consensual between adults.
Donston
Well, his gf could have some serious issues with him wanting to indulge an orgy. Knowing he’s “experimented” with dudes in the past does not equate to being okay with him wanting to hook up with other people yet alone guys. It especially doesn’t mean she’d be okay with him indulging orgies. Telling your partner you’ve “experimented” with guys doesn’t equate to any of that. Also, I’m a little tired of people saying blanketed stuff like “sexuality is fluid”. I’m aware of fluidity. I’ve experienced it. So, yes, sexuality and gender/gender instincts/gender expressions can have different types and degrees of fluidity for some people. But that’s not the case for everyone. We need to stop saying broad and basic things like that and accept that sexuality, fluidity, preferences, gender, love, the spectrum, ego, psychology, motivations are all very individual stuff. Finally, it’s very unlikely that this was a real-life question. These types of things do reflect real life struggles. But this was likely made up for clicks, as the majority of these types of salaciously queer questions from “straight presenting” men tend to be.
Dr Sarah
‘And if his gf had no problem previously with him being with other guys, she shouldn’t now.’
There’s a big difference between your partner having had previous sexual experience prior to the relationship, and your partner going outside the relationship in the present day. Unless they have an agreement that they’re not exclusive, then this would be cheating. So, no, unless they’ve made such an agreement, he certainly shouldn’t assume that she’ll be fine with it. It’s not a men vs. women issue. It’s a fidelity issue.
Also, on a practical note, he’s considering some particularly high-risk behaviour which will in turn potentially increase her risk, so quite apart from anything else she might quite legitimately want to raise issues like ‘Hey, who’s going to be making sure all these guys are being careful about using condoms and water-based lube and that you don’t end up with a stealther?’
(Disclaimer: Yes, it’s fair to say there’s a high chance this is made up, but I’m talking about reasons why hypothetically this might well bother someone.)
lou lou de la falaise
I volunteer to be a banger.
domen8r
ditto bandito
UpperCasey
Erm. NEVER HAD PENETRATIVE SEX. WANTS 10+DUDES TO PENETRATE HIM in an orgy? So what could go wrong/ FFS HORRIBLE IDEA for first timers or inexperienced folks. Seriously.
domen8r
kinda depends on this guy’s def of “penetrative” (if he even exists). Chances are he’s given head and many fantasize about an “orgy” that’s really pulling train on their mouth.
Donston
That’s one of a few signs that the question is likely bs. No one who hasn’t experienced anal penetration talks about planning to get gang-banged by a ton of guys. And the dude was clearly talking about anal not dick sucking. I’ve hooked up with a few guys who claimed that they hadn’t indulged anal and felt that they were hetero-leaning. And that is not how that shit goes.
It’s in the details where these stories tend to fall apart, and it becomes apparent that it’s more than likely about fantasy, hetero-centric sensationalism and clickbait than about any real person confessing their struggles.
THAT Steve
Yeah, the dude better have a test run if multiple guys are gonna run a train on him!
Kangol2
A few thoughts. Whether he’s with a man or a woman, if he’s in a committed relationsip, he should let them know he wants to participate in an orgy. Unless there’s some sort of agreement or negotiation about having sex with one other person, let alone multiple ones, he’s on his way to dynamiting that relationship, which could be his goal.
Also, if he’s never had extensive penetrative sex with guys he should probably be careful going out and getting gangbanged. It goes without saying that he should follow best practices on fully cleaning himself out or it could be a disaster, and also sign up for PrEP (or PEP) and have some sense of his and their over all health status. It does sound like’s aiming for them to use condoms.
If he doesn’t have guys in mind who’ll do it for free or isn’t hiring several off online sites (where they might have info about their health status), a safer place to try this is at a bathhouse or sex club, but in both cases, you have no idea who’re you’re going to have sex with, which could be a plus or a minus. But I say tell the girlfriend in advance! She’ll be shattered if she finds out he had a gay orgy for his birthday and didn’t tell her.
Ken A.
I’d say go for it. Your body yourself. The GF doesn’t own you, it’s not like you’re married or anything. She’ll find out because you’ll kind of be really sore.
rickywintour
Your a troll with no morals or values. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Ken A.
@SamB
Troll or not. You make a valid point.
rickywintour
No he didn’t. He sounded stupid.
SDR94103
“I want to get gang banged by multiple guys at once. I really feel like it’s something I need to do”
I do not believe this story.
gregg2010
This question has such a ring of fake to it. The guy has never had penetrative gay sex, and he is willing to be the bottom in a gang bang? It just doesn’t make sense.
ondaboat0069
Your answer reminds me of the COVID deniers. It never was or it is, but no sweat. HIV/AIDS isn’t over, yet nothing in your reply re: Prep or condoms. What does this guy do when the orgy is over ? Does he get tested for ALL veenirial diseases? How does he explain herpes, gonorrhea, anal warts, or HIV to his girlfriend? Two days after the orgy the girlfriend wants laid. Does he feign illness?
Bosch
“I’m low-key looking for permission to lie to my girlfriend. Please tell my I can have a sausage party without letting her know.”
winemaker
Is this some kind of joke or click bait or what? is this guy gay? If he’s gay why does he have a girlfriend or is he straight and just wants to see how the other side does things? All great questions: But bottom line, If this guy’s gay why is he wasting his time dating women and worse, living a lie and being deceitful with these women?
Dr Sarah
Yes, bisexuality exists. For the reasons already given by others, this specific story is likely to be made up, but it’s hardly unusual for someone to be with someone of Gender A but really want some experience of sex with Gender B.
MrMichaelJ
I’ve read countless headlines in my lifetime and this was the biggest facepalm headline ever.
dhmonarch89
So- he’s never been penetrated and he wants 13 guys to do the honor all at the same time… as I recall, it hurt the first time- hell, the first couple times… something tells me Mary will be 2 dicks in and tell the boys he can’t. Should he tell his girlfriend- yes, so she can run!
RTG
Well let’s unpack this submission to the advice column. 1) It’s not clear HE wants to be penetrated. He wants to be gang banged but if he is real, and he’s had limited experience, he could mean he wants to penetrate a bunch of guys. 2) I a person of a certain age and I can’t EVER recall meeting someone bi-curious who wants to make their first real gay sex experience a full on gang bang. 3) If he is real, he needs to LEAVE his girlfriend, not just tell her. He’s more than bi-curious. 4) And finally, I think this is a BS post. Seriously: “I’ve never really had gay sex before but now I want to get sloppy with a whole room of guys and not be able to walk for a week!!!” Stop with the stupid click bait.
RyanMBecker
The asker clearly indicated that he had already tried gay sex:
“I messed around with a few guys when I was in college, but it was never anything serious … She knows I’ve fooled around with dudes before we were together…”
Just because it was never penetrative doesn’t mean that it wasn’t gay sex. But yeah, it’s probably fake.
RTG
RyanMBecker- I went to a very conservative university in the south in the 1980’s where there were “no such thing as gays or queers.” I “messed around” with guys there that included watching each other J/O and mutual J/O……..there’s no indication he did more than that. Hardly the larger spectrum of gay sex.
ShaunNJ
He should tell his girlfriend to text me an invite.
RyanMBecker
Sure, email us your phone number. We’ll start a mailing list. BYOB.
JClark
Oh, I think I’ll snap my fingers and find 13 reasonably attractive non-flaky people to have a sex party where everyone is cool with me being the center of attention. Outside of a porn movie, your chances of putting that together is slim to none.
JClark
I should say “13 reasonably attractive non-flaky tops,” which is even more of a stretch.
Dr Sarah
Well, I daresay you could hire people, but the bill would end up running massively high.
AxelDC
“I want to cheat on my SO. Should I tell him/her?”
Who thinks this is okay?
RyanMBecker
Hah. Several people emailed this to my girlfriend and me, asking if this was me. Aside from an upcoming birthday, we have little in common — even if many of our friends think I’m gay. First, I’m not yet turning 30. Second, unlike the asker, I’ve never had the pleasure of gay sex. And I would never even consider cheating. Finally, in our case, there would be no dilemma because my girlfriend would be thrilled since she loves gay porn. She and her friends even had a joint Corbin Fisher membership in college (apparently, it’s not unusual in the liberal Ivy League). Who knows, I may take the plunge for HER birthday and let her watch. Maybe her 30th since it’ll take several years to dilate my uptight *sshole. LOL.
Cam
Actually Porn consumption seems to be higher in the right wing areas like Utah.
mailliw110
You are about as believable as the article!
Terrycloth
Break it off with her first .then have your party..if you can’t bring yourself to.break up with her then invite her to the party then she will do it for you…
duke4172
Face it kid you are 100% grade A Gay!
Man About Town
Is this guy really dumb enough to believe “she probably wouldn’t ever find out or care”??
[email protected]
Sam, Sam, Sam:
A gang bang for your 30th is great. But what about all the birthdays to come?
While we are supposed to admire honesty and openness I think you should only indulge if you want to end your relationship immediately.
There are many times in life when we have to stop sitting on the fence. For you your 30th is one of them
DuMaurier
Just show her the video afterwards.
mailliw110
The “orgies” I’ve been a party to usually end up with a couple guys having sex and the rest are on their phone looking for their next hookup!
Consider This
He should start by being honest with his girlfriend and end by being honest with himself.
bachy
Outrageous fantasies like this are surprisingly common among porn addicts who’ve never been raw dogged in the clacker.
TMBisAOK
You seem to be an expert on this subject. And dafuq is a clacker?
TMBisAOK
Advising someone to change their fantasy from 13 to 12 is just weird AF! I suppose you believe in astronomy also, and advise him to check each attendees sign beforehand. SMDH
DuMaurier
I believe in astronomy, even if I don’t know how it applies to an orgy; astrology I’m not sure about. Those descriptions of what I’m like because I’m Aries are so general they could be anyone.