Absolutely Fishy Forecasts: July Drag Whore-O-Scopes

July Drag Whore-O-Scopes
Presented by Heidi Glum

Gurl, you think we know how to predict the future? If we did we would head straight to Coco Montrese’s Vegas and put all our tip money down on who’s gonna make the cast of RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 7, when and if they might film All Stars 2 and what Courtney Act and Chaz Bono are gonna name their first drag baby!

We at Dragaholic don’t have a clue what tomorrow will bring, so we turned to the experts: Drag Queens, of course. Not that they know any more than us, but they can read a bitch, spot a custom job from one off the rack and speak in a pointed tone that makes you pretend to listen – for a minute.

This is the first of our new monthly horoscope series: Absolutely Fishy Forecasts. Each month a new and sickening drag diva will bring you the tee on what’s in store for the month ahead. Debuting the series is the glamorously ghoulish, drag daughter of Sharon Needles: Ms. Heidi Glum, the Supermodel of the Underworld!

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#AbsolutelyFishyForecasts

Aries
As the first sign of the zodiac, you have a lot on your plate. They say first is the worst. Just ask Magnolia Crawford! This wouldn’t be the month to try any new numbers, stick to your tired old methods. They’ve gotten you this far, haven’t they?

Taurus
June is gone, so ditch the Pride and obstinacy because girl you’re not on the Race! Try to be impulsive! Break out of your cautious, practical, and purposeful shell. Go buy that flawless lace front or some makeup you desperately need! Rent is for Broadway!!! Blow all your money away!

Gemini
To you life is a smorgasbord, and you’re going to taste everything! I highly recommend buying a beautiful corset… and some condoms prior to tasting everything. Safety first!

Cancer
You reflect qualities of the changing Moon. Your moon, however, is in Uranus this month so have fun with that. Invest in a butt plug then sit and spin Mary, you’re in for a long ride.

Leo
You may not be a performer on the entertainment stage (no matter how hard you try) but you shine bright like a Golden Globe! For you, life is a stage on which you can perform and express your talents. Unfortunately you sing like Gia Gunn! Try taking up Mime! Street performances are clearly in your future!

Virgo
Time is important to you, so buy that diamond Rolex you’ve got your heavily liquid-lined eye on. And by ‘buy’ I mean, make someone else purchase it for you. You’ll never be late to another show again!

Libra
You’re simply a nice person. Your ruling planet is Venus, which coincidentally rhymes with penis. So log into Scruff and find someone who could benefit from your outgoing nature and remember, nice guys finish last.

Scorpio
You turn heads whenever you walk into a room. You’re easily misunderstood. You have had a pretty bad rap over the years, but that’s just because what people don’t understand they tend to fear. Go forth and scare everyone!

Sagittarius
Your totem, the Centaur, which is half man and half beast describes your drag perfectly. More makeup, hair, nails…everything! Covergirl might cover boy, but not MAN. Try a heavier foundation and stop idolizing Willam!

Capricorn
You have an incredible capacity to withstand the blows of life. Invest in mace or a taser because your arch rival might start a cat fight! You are like the steel under the blacksmith’s hammer, getting stronger with every blow! Take a few hits before you put the bitch down and be sure someone catches it on film. Who knows, it might become newsworthy! 😉

Aquarius
You just don’t want to be like others and take pride in the fact that you’re so unique. There’s never a dull moment around you, but I wouldn’t enter any pageants with a beard or a Styrofoam mannequin on your head if I were you.

Pisces
The ruling symbol of your star sign is the fish. Feel your fantasy! Throw on some tinted moisturizer, a little Carmex and go snag yourself a drunk straight guy! Just be sure to take it from behind, and make sure his hands don’t wander! You won’t be the only one getting spooked!!

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Next month’s #AbsolutelyFishyForecast will be brought to you by everybody’s favorite ‘Eliminated‘ girl:

Kelly Mantle