If There’s One Thing We’ll Take From Aaron Rodgersgate, It’s This Beautiful Mustache

Well, Aaron Rodgers, we had a good run. It feels like it’s only been a week since we first got to know you, after your “personal assistant” and longtime “roommate” Kevin Lanflisi alluded to a having a gay relationship with you and tweeted some photos that were pretty indicative of a gay relationship. We fell in love with you when you confirmed that your friendship was “a lot deeper” (we wondered who, exactly, was the one going deep). It warmed our hearts when you said you based your personal friendships around other’s acceptance of your “friendship” with Kevin. Because you have great friends, Aaron. Then came your dad. Your “dad” wrote that scathing email about your relationship with a good “Christian” woman, and even though he sounded a bit insane, we were going to give you the benefit of the doubt. Days passed with no word from you or your beautiful shaven face. We learned that you’re actually an incredibly talented football star and hoped you’d be our big gay hero. You could have been the first openly gay LGBT athlete in his prime, Aaron. You were awarded the 2011 Super Bowl MVP! That’s major! Commenters called us “creepy” for “trying to out you” (even though Kevin Lanflisi tried to do that before us, LOL). All we ever wanted was for you to be happy, Aaron. But alas, not even Christ himself (who you’re apparently good pals with) can make a big gay superhero out of a heterosexual man. Not that we were trying, anyway. Not even a great suit can make a man gay. Because let’s face it, you know how to wear a suit really well. You can wear anything well, actually. Including those cute little beanie caps. So you just came out and said that you weren’t gay. You “really, really like women,” which is great! More power to you, bro. We’re just glad you addressed the situation in a respectable manner. Destiny looks like a real keeper btw. So now, we bid adieu to your gay rumors and will forever wonder what became of poor Kevin Lanflisi. “Bid adieu to your gay rumors,” of course, until (and if) any more evidence comes to light. After all, people have been speculating about your sexuality since 2011. But if there’s one thing we’ve learned from this beautiful, albeit short relationship, it’s that… …you have a beautiful mustache. Your mustache is something to be revered. We know that sometimes you had trouble figuring out exactly what you were trying to do with all that beautiful facial hair, and sometimes you just had a full-on beard, but when you ran onto the field with that big, bushy caterpillar on your upper lip, we knew it was one of the best in history. It shall be praised. So you’re free of gay speculation. For now. We’ll just keep your mustache close to our hearts. We’ll watch for it again on Sunday, buddy. And PS, you’re still pretty hot.