It New Year's Eve, readers. You know what that means: there's a plethora of parties just begging for your attention – and dough. While we can't tell you where we'll be tonight – largely because we don't know yet – we can tell you where we won't be celebrating 2008's blessed birth.

First and foremost, we will not be attending any event that boasts house, trance or any other rave-related music. Why? Because we didn't like it when it was cool and we especially don't like it a decade on. One such event, MasterBeat, may be the most repulsive of these beat-laden happenings. And, what's more, the organizers bill it as a "global celebration," yet neglected to set up outposts on Africa or in Asia. Maybe years of ecstasy abuse burned up their elementary geography. The event does, however, have a camp in Pensacola, Florida. That says it all.

Speaking of global: we also refuse to grace Ibiza-based night club Pacha's New York party. This blowout, located up on 46th street, may be New York City's longest running New Year's party. We can't imagine what one does at a club for 24 hours, but we're sure they look monstrous after such a party. Also, the party costs a whopping $125: our entire annual salary!

Meanwhile, over in Los Angeles, Avalon's west coast outpost hosts a five hour DJ set by Gabriel and Dresden. While we respect the club's commitment to green living, we simply can't get down with a sweat-soaked event, nor can we afford the $60 cover charge. Nor would we want to chill with people who are willing to pay such an astronomical fee for a fucking party.

The coasts aren't the only ones producing gay-themed parties. Atlanta's The Wild Mustang features a party called "Rhinestone Cowboy". Now, we don't want to be rude, but a party named after a 1975 song doesn't inspire our inner party animal.

In fact, no club-based event really gets our goat. We far prefer house parties, where you can meet friends of friends. That's a far better way to get a new year's kiss than grasping at stranger straws come midnight.

Regardless of what you do this evening, do it well. Oh, and don't do any of the naughty drugs. Who wants to start the new year strung out? No us!