• The Madonna media train keep on trucking. We have two words for her new Rolling Stone cover: Fucking hot!

• Of course the ex-gay movement would recruit this guy to write a book about his past queer lifestyle. The media is going to just eat up his Christian-fashioned name: God Easter.

• Anna Nicole Smith took home a female bartender in West Hollywood last week for a night of lesbian love. E! needs to give this woman back her own reality show.

• Kinky gay supernatural sex on cable isn't going away anytime soon. Here! has signed Dante's Cove on for a second season.

• If you missed Mariah Carey's stop at the Virgin Megastore in Hollywood yesterday, not to worry. Another queen stops by tomorrow night: Tab Hunter.

Maybe you feel some good old fashioned self-loathing. Maybe you’re just feeling mentally retarded. In either case, you could consult the web site of NARTH, the National Association for Research and Treatment of Homosexuality.

NARTH’s message of a change you do not and should not want comes as one of the country’s most notorious “Ex-Gay” prison camps has been shut down in Tennessee for dispensing prescription medications without a license. The perversely named Love In Action has been temporarily prevented from shoving gays back into the closet due to the license dust-up. The organization’s facilities made news earlier this year when the lavender dreams of a youngster named Zack suffered a head-on collision with the anti-gay bigotry of Zack’s parents.

Researching the ex-gay movement is barf-inducing. These people have their hate-filled mitts in virtually every state. Their religion-tinged web sites include questions such as “Are disasters a warning Jesus is coming?” Here’s how Queerty sees it: Katrina came and went. Bush is still here. And Madonna is obsessed with Kabala. All those disasters, but not even a phone message from Jesus. The best strategy for combating the ex-gay tide has yet to be determined. However, we have seen some straight guys in outfits so fashion-challenged that we hope somebody will immediately start a National Association for Research and Treatment of Heterosexuality. Inborn or not, heterosexuality is responsible for a disproportionate percentage of wardrobe debacles and should be dealt with before it is too late. After all, when the Messiah comes, do you want him to see you, or anybody, in Bermuda shorts and a polka-dot top?