“I’ve never been in a situation where I thought I could be raped,” H. Alan Scott (pictured) writes in a blog post published on the Huffington Post. “I’m a big guy, strong, how could I be raped? Until the moment when my legs were in the air, totally vulnerable, looking into the eyes of a man insistent on fucking me, did I ponder, Am I in danger?”
Scott details how he first met the guy online a year earlier. They exchanged a few “sexy texts,” but it wasn’t until they were matched on Tinder that they finally agreed to meet in person.
“I had intended on staying in, but got that Friday night itch to go out,” he writes. “We had been texting, so I mentioned dinner. Two hours later, we met at a restaurant near my apartment.”
“During the dinner I told myself, Don’t invite him over. I didn’t feel that sexual spark. He was attractive, but not exactly doing it for me,” he continues. “Still, I studied him, thinking about if I could actually have sex with him. As we walked post-dinner, my brain was saying, ‘Don’t do it,’ while my mouth said, ‘Wanna come over?'”
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So they went back to his apartment. One thing led to another and pretty soon they were naked in bed together. All the while, Scott kept wondering, “Why did I invite him over? I wasn’t lonely. I honestly just wanted dinner.”
“Ten minutes into casual foreplay,” he writes. “I noticed his obvious intention to penetrate. I said, ‘Not tonight.’ I could tell he was disappointed, so I continued, ‘I don’t usually start with that. It takes me a while to bottom, to get comfortable.’ This is where I should have said, I guess we’re not a match, it was lovely knowing you. Unfortunately, I didn’t.”
The man, Scott says, became “more dominant.”
“[N]ot exactly physical,” he says, “but contorting me into positions that were difficult for me to get out of. I’d say again, ‘Not tonight, it’s not going to happen’ … But he’d push harder, no lubrication, as I’d attempt to wiggle my way out of his hold.”
Scott began to wonder if he was in danger.
“My legs were in the air, he had my arms gripped down, I was locked in,” he writes. “I felt trapped and a little scared … I knew I didn’t like it, I wanted it to stop, but I didn’t want to be mean. Then, as he pushed harder, I felt that rush of pain, and panicked.”
Then all of a sudden, the guy yelped out in pain.
“My cat, Frasier, had bit his foot,” Scott writes.
He had been saved by a feline.
The man let go, then cracked a joke about how Scott wasn’t hard anymore.
“Sorry,” he replied, “rape is basically a boner-kill for me.”
Sadly, this sort of thing is not uncommon in the gay community. Earlier this year, a 34-year-old Canadian man in Philadelphia for an education conference was sexually assaulted at gunpoint by a man he met on Grindr. And that’s just one of many incidents in which online hookups have gone too far.
“Sexual violence against men isn’t unheard of, just not talked about,” Scott writes. “In a National Crime Victimization Survey, of 40,000 households questioned about rape and sexual violence, 38 percent of the incidents were against men.”
“Gay or straight,” he continues, “sexual violence against men does happen. As I came to learn, it’s the grey area of is this assault or just harmless aggressive behavior? is where the confusion begins.”
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throwslikeagirl
I’d say it’s time for a little psychotherapy to deal with some shaky self-esteem issues. He said, “No”. That means no. He didn’t assert himself. That means low self-esteem. Also ambivalence. They were both guilty of different things. Ya gotta talk about stuff before ya hop in the sack, dude.
imperator
@throwslikeagirl: They were “both guilty?” Is that seriously the angle you want to go with– divvying up some of the blame to the victim of a prick who doesn’t grasp “consent”?
It does indeed sound like there’s an issue with self-esteem and assertiveness, but having low self-esteem or being “ambivalent” doesn’t confer *guilt* for someone else’s non-respect for consent.
Besides that, there’s the matter of how gay men are (or aren’t) socialized to actually talk about sex that way– who *ever* got “the talk” from their parents where, if you were even ‘out’ for it, there was any consideration for the notion that you might actually *not* want a sexual encounter to happen?
In any case, when Scott said “no” and Rapey McRapenstein pushed on, he *should* have shanked the fucker in the neck with a letter opener. Bet he would have gotten the point then.
vocodr
No, H. Alan Scott, you weren’t date raped. You invited the other guy into your home, into your BED, and even when the other guy clearly wanted to penetrate, you didn’t say no. I’m sorry but if you invite someone into your bed and get naked with them, it’s reasonable for the other person to assume you’re interested in sex. Sure, you can change your mind – but you did not vocalise this to him, even when his dick was about to enter you!
Frankly, if anyone committed as sexual misdemeanour here it was you, inviting someone into your bed who you had no intention of having sex with. What kind of person thinks ‘I’m not feeling that sexual spark’ and then invites them into their bed? You need help!
vocodr
*a sexual misdemeanor
Chris
No means no — yeah, everyone should understand that. But this guy says he did not want to go out, yet did so; he says he did not want to invite the other guy over, but did so; somehow they got naked and somehow they engaged in foreplay. And even then he “knew I didn’t like it, I wanted it to stop, but I didn’t want to be mean….”
I must wonder about the world in which someone is supposed to understand such ambivalence: the mouth says one thing; but the actions say another. That the guest even commented about his host’s loss of stimulation suggests that he was not picking up on the clues that the host/author did not want things to proceed.
While I have questions about the dynamics of what actually happened that night, I am glad that the cat did something the author/host seemed unable or unwilling to do: make his real intentions clear. Even his own, retrospective account, suggests that he was sending out mixed messages.
But really, the best way to avoid finding oneself in this spot is to follow the dictates of your head — and no, not that one.
Cy
In Canada, yes this would be considered rape, but different countries and states word their laws differently. Here, the law states that the victim can change their mind at any time during sex because while one might be ok with one act doesn’t mean they consent with another act; and the victim does not necessarily have to specifically say “No”, but must communicate their wishes some how. Although this guy may not have been over assertive, he claims he did resist verbally, and that’s where it should have ended. Sorry, but there is no such thing as reasonable expections or entitlements to sex even if the two did get naked in bed together.
bottom72
sweethearts, no means no..
StephK
As I kept reading this,all I could think of is that Scott kept leading him on. He was giving this guy the green light…despite his gut feelings..until he gave him the red. The guy didn’t break into the apartment; Scott let him in. Listen to your gut..believe it or not in many instances, it is smarter than your brain.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
Moral of this story: guys are safer sticking with pussy!
QJ201
@PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID: or slutty bottoms
fgggr
I hate when I ask a guy back to my place that I’m not attracted to. It’s even worse when he accepts my invitation back to my place and expects sex! Ew, gross.
vive
Almost every one of us (who actually has a life) has had sex we felt ambivalent about, during or after. Own it, stop playing the victim (for your own mental health), and get on with your life.
Some people see real rape survivors get lots of (deserved) attention and have a psychological need to be part of the victims club. What else would they do with their free time?
petensfo
This wasn’t really a date… it was a hook-up. “He met the guy on-line a year earlier & exchanged a few sexy texts.” The dinner was a pretense to the likelihood of sex, as was inviting him to his home, into his bedroom, & getting naked with the dude. If not for the cat, he likely would have been raped. Although reluctant to ‘blame’ a victim, this guy also did himself no favors.
No, means, No. Yes, I understand that & support it, but this guy needs to own his part in creating this mess and that will begin with A LOT of therapy.
When his ‘date’ reads this, I’m sure his first thought will be… thank god for that f’n cat.
bnard620
Its about that moment when the guy said and the guy kept trying to go for it. If this were a man and a woman with a similar situation i think it would more clearly be presented as a case of almost date rape. Going back to someones place has nothing to do with the moment where someone says no. No means no the end
aliengod
No. He was not raped.
Mykaels
Legally, this would be rape. In actuality, iffy.
I have been in similar situations, where I was the top, did not really want to have sex, but got coaxed into it. In each circumstance I did not even get off, just fucked them till they got off then I dressed and left.
There is something about being a gay man and another guy really wanting to have sex with you, especially if you are, or think you are, average in looks and body, especially if they are hotter than you. “I don’t want to be mean”, “When would I have chance to bang a guy this good looking again”, “Well what else am I going to do tonight”. It doesn’t help that in other circumstances I have had sex that I was NOT looking forward too, but ended up being fantastic.
I think he, like me in those situations, wanted company, not sex, but just mentally accepted sex as a substitute (which it clearly is not, but since when do we think clearly all the time). I think with men, and male psychology, many of the traditional rules of rape written about women, are blurred and ‘not as applicable’ for gay men.
Paul Nadolski
I once had a guy ask me out just to get me in bed, because he knew I wasn’t going to just go to bed with him otherwise, as I only have sex in relationships. A few minutes after we began kissing one morning after we’d only been dating a few days, he told me he wasn’t going to try anything…and then promptly did. To make matters worse, it was the worst sex I ever had. He was considerably bigger (taller and better built) than I, so it was no use to try to stop him, even though I didn’t want to have sex. I later found out that he had done the same thing to a friend of mine, and tried it (unsuccessfully) with another. The experience shook me up pretty badly and I honestly didn’t date or even have sex again for several years afterward. I have now moved on but it was an experience best forgotten to be sure.
Soupy
All that I could think to do, other than saying a forcible no and fighting it off would be to tell the aggressor that if he succeeded in penetrating me, I promise to shit all over him.
hyhybt
vocodr: “I’d say again, ‘Not tonight, it’s not going to happen’” *IS* saying “no.”
“My cat, Frasier, had bit his foot”—-Good kitty!
“As I kept reading this,all I could think of is that Scott kept leading him on. He was giving this guy the green light…despite his gut feelings..until he gave him the red. The guy didn’t break into the apartment; Scott let him in.”—NOT an excuse in the slightest, and the only reason people ever bring up stuff like “he was leading him on” IS to excuse the (only attempted in this case, fortunately) rape.
onthemark
Why does the author compare this incident so blithely to the one where a man was “sexually assaulted at gunpoint by a man he met on Grindr”? Not even close.
onthemark
@hyhybt: Yes – I agree the cat showed good judgment! But when a cat has better judgment than his owner, that tends to be a problem.
jantheman4903
whatever he did or didn’t..this situation brings up a valuable point. be CLEAR LOUD and Forceful when saying no..with voice and body. Too often a person is embarassed to do so. If nothing else..later you can know you did what you could.
hyhybt
@onthemark: True.
Texan78730
Loved the cat biting the guy’s foot! That kitty deserves a gold star in the middle of its forehead.
vive
Only they will know what happened, but in defense of the other guy, people often change their minds during sex as to how far they are willing to go. On my experience (on both sides of the top/bottom divide), a bottom will often express initial hesitation because, for example, they hadn’t planned on bottoming and so didn’t clean out. If it becomes clear during further play that that is not going to be a problem because it seems clean after all, or if they become horny enough not to care, they may then consent. To complicate things, consent is often implicit, through positioning, etc.
As a top, if there is a question of consent, I will usually position my dick at the entrance at some point and leave it up to the bottom to pull me in or push back, depending on position. In my experience, a majority of bottoms who initially hesitate will change their minds. Having said this, I have NEVER forced myself on anyone.
onthemark
Also it’s weird that the cat is named Frasier. I’m guessing after the slightly fey but heterosexual TV character who was always giving mixed signals to the women he was interested in, and badly misjudging all the women’s signals, and also at least one gay character (Patrick Stewart) to disastrous effect. The cat is far more decisive than the TV Frasier.
hyhybt
@onthemark: He might also be named Frasier because of the fur tree. (Spelling intentional.)
redcarpet30
“He became more dominant, not exactly physical, but contorting me into positions that were difficult for me to get out of. I’d say again, “Not tonight, it’s not going to happen,” trying to take a soft tone while standing — or laying — firm. But he’d push harder, no lubrication, as I’d attempt to wiggle my way out of his hold.
We’d do this dance for a while, him pushing harder, me saying, “No,” but again in that passive tone. I thought of being aggressive, but I honestly couldn’t tell if he was just a harmless, overzealous guy, or someone I should actually be concerned about.”
He said no. Clear as day. Several times, tone be damned. Damn we got a lot of victim blaming on here.
adventuretime
yeah, I’m not gonna go ahead and start crying rape, but people’s comments in this section really bother me.
Regardless of whether you invited a guy back to your place or got naked with him or “led him on” or WHATEVER, whenever you decide enough is enough, than that should be enough. At least between two sensible, consenting adults. It seems he repeatedly said “Not tonight,”…or “Not gonna happen,” and even if he didn’t grab a megaphone and start screaming “NO!” in his face, that shows a clear disinterest/lack of consent. He doesn’t OWE him sex.
Besides, who hears “Not tonight,” and decides to keep going on with it anyway? If someone says that to me and displays a clear lack of interest in being penetrated, I’m not gonna screw him anyway because I’m just so horny and can’t stop myself. You can invite a guy back to your place and get into bed with him and not want to be f*cked….for whatever reason.
Crazy thought, I know.
Kamuriie
WHAT are you people smoking? In NO UNIVERSE, and in NO COUNTRY OR JURISDICTION would what happened EVER be considered rape.
1) He invited the guy back to his place. For sex.
2) He got naked, willingly, for sex.
3) He stated that -=*BOTTOMING*=- was “not going to happen tonight.” NOT THAT HE RETRACTED CONSENT TO FOOL AROUND/ETC.
4) The guy continued foreplay, including rubbing against the guy’s hole with his dick. Tried being dominant–WHICH SO MANY BOTTOMS LOVE, in order to turn the guy on and maybe “get lucky.” THAT’S NOT “ATTEMPTED RAPE.” The point is, the author buckled down, said “No. I’m absolutely not bottoming,” asked the guy to leave.
5) The guy left, as requested.
That’s not rape. That’s not ATTEMPTED rape. That’s a hookup gone wrong, where the guy nonsensically, repeatedly, led a guy he claims he wasn’t attracted to, on, and then asked the guy to leave.
You people are *totally* unhinged.
Paco
Some men a such slaves to their c*cks. Consent can be withdrawn at anytime, before and during. If you can’t keep enough sense about yourself to comply, then you run the risk of committing rape.
adventuretime
@Kamuriie: That’s not what happened. According to the story, the guy forced himself in. The guy only stopped when the cat bit his toe, and the situation deescalated. One of the problems is actually that the author never “buckled down,” which is how the situation came about in the first place. Not that he should have needed to shout “No” from the mountaintops.
And lol at “WHICH SO MANY BOTTOMS LOVE.” Who cares what someone else loves? That’s like saying “well, my last partner liked being hit in the face, so I’m sure you’ll like it too.” This guy is his own person, and he expressed his disinterest–end of story. The guy didn’t leave until he felt like it.
Again–I’m not going to say it was rape. I don’t have to make that decision. But the fact that this author felt frightened, and unsure, and wanted him to stop–and that you don’t give him the benefit of the doubt? He’s an adult, I trust him to know that this was slightly more than a hookup gone wrong. But you don’t seem willing to grant him that conceit.
adventuretime
@adventuretime: correction: I think the guy was TRYING to force himself in
Tookietookie123
If you said “not tonight” then that should be as good as “nevermind I don’t want to do this anymore”. Legally he has to stop there, and so he didn’t, instead he basically forced himself onto you which frankly would scare me. Thank god your cat was there to attack! You were almost raped, and no it wasn’t your fault like some people in the comment section are saying. It’s easy to blame the victim, but the perpetrator, the one who actually tried to do all the raping, was the rapist himself, not the victim.
spiffy
I can’t believe so many gay guys think like straight guys, that no actually means yes.
The would-be-rapist tried to enter the guy without lube — and I guessed without a condom either — that alone should have been a crime already, if not rape.
They were having sex for the first time — and not even a courtesy “Can I eff you?”
And seriously, people need to get out of the mindset that everything short of anal are merely foreplay.
Cam
One thing I noticed about this guy is that nearly every sentence he typed was along the lines of “I didn’t want to go out but I did”, “I didn’t want to invite him back, but I did”, “I didn’t want to get naked and fool around, I did”.
When he said no they other guy shouldn’t have crossed that line, but the guy should also have enough self esteem to not have gotten himself into that situation.
If you aren’t interested, don’t invite a guy up to your place. Then you don’t have to wonder whether or not you were raped.
This isn’t blaming the victim, the guy should not have crossed the line as I said before, however, the person the article was about seems to have a major internal disconnect between what he feels and what he says, and that can get him into bad situations.
Alan down in Florida
This is similar to the Davey Wavey article today. Before they left the restaurant he should have told the guy “I don’t get f**ked on the first date so don’t even think about it.” If the guy had a problem with that then he should never have been brought home.
I agree with Mykeal that Scott probably just wanted some company and to not be alone in his bed overnight again. I’ve felt that way many times and have learned that as low down on the gay food chain as I am it’s better to go home alone than to wake up next to someone I wouldn’t otherwise be interested in.
vive
@adventuretime: “…you don’t give him the benefit of the doubt? He’s an adult, I trust him to know that this was slightly more than a hookup gone wrong. But you don’t seem willing to grant him that conceit.”
I am not willing to grant him a conceit of which, by his own admission, he isn’t even sure. If I got raped, I would know it. I wouldn’t state it in the form of a question on a blog. I certainly wouldn’t go around calling other guys rapists (a life-destroying accusation) based on feeling wishy-washy about whatever sex I had after the fact.
adventuretime
@vive: Well, it’s not like he named names or pressed charges, or anything. I don’t think he’s destroying anyone’s life by opening dialogue/a space for people to talk about sexual assault against men, which is an oft-ignored/swept under the rug issue. I think by telling this story he’s saying that he doesn’t even know how to react/what to think, because there often is not a safe space for guys to open up and speak about whatever kinds of sexual traumas they might have experienced, however trivial they may seem to others.
Date rape is a nasty beast in and of itself, but–rape is rape. Again, I don’t feel like I personally need to decide what actually happened to this guy, but I’m definitely open to the conversation and I’m not gonna brush him off just because he seems like sort of a meek/unassured guy.
robho3
I love how the cat bit the guys foot and saved him.
marco34la
NO! This guy was NOT raped. H Alan sounds like typical DRAMA Q! He was engaged in fully consensual sexual activity with another man, he said getting effed wasn’t going to happen, yet, H Alan continued to flirt/engage in activity that would be a precursor to having anal sex (positions)! He didn’t tell the guy to STOP or get out, and he held any of his apprehensions to himself. Additionally, if the guy truly wanted to “rape” H Alan, then that guy would not have stopped at a cat bite, nor would he have noticed or CARED that H Alan had lost his erection. The fact that this article posing this question was even published… is disturbing to me.
marco34la
@bottom72:
sweetheart, if no means no — then H Alan should have said NO to any further sexual activity. you don’t let someone roll you over and play with your hole if you want them to STOP. period.
vive
@adventuretime, you bring up a good point, and we are having that dialogue, and the dialogue includes dissenting opinions, which is proper.
I am not unsympathetic. I have felt ambivalent about a number of sexual experiences I have had myself. But, you know what, bad sex is a common thing, and feeling ambivalent with regards to sex you may have had is absolutely normal. What bothers me is that there seems to be almost an “industry” nowadays in trying to convince especially young women that any sexual experience that they feel even slightly ambivalent about afterwards qualifies as rape.
This whole movement is, ironically, completely infantilizing these young people. This guy seems to have no sense of agency, which rather proves the point.
Chris
This guy’s story is so full of ambiguity even with himself and his own motives, that I’d like to hear the other guy’s version of what happened. After all, even in a court of law the accused has the right to defend himself and provide his version of what happened.
AxelDC
First of all, what difference does it make? Are you intending to prosecute? If not, then the argument is ademic. If so, then let’s look at your case.
1) You invited him to dinner. No big deal, that’s just meeting up.
2) You invited him to your house. That doesn’t mean you have to sleep with him, but the implication is clear: you liked him. It doesn’t matter what you later want to pretend you thought, you invited him over. You wanted him, because your mouth uttered the words, “Want to come over?” Your brain was in charge, even if you remember it differently later.
3) Did he forcibly strip you or did you take off your clothes? You leave out that detail. If you take off your clothes in front of a man you just invited over, then you just consented to some form of sex.
4) Did you invite him to your bedroom or sofa, or did he push you down? It sounds like he was invited, or if not you did not indicate that you did not want him to.
5) You proceeded with foreplay, even though your inner Doris Day was telling you to stay pure.
6) You told him “no” to intercourse. This is where he went wrong. No one has the right to force you to do any sex act that you do not consent to, and penetration is the biggie. Since he did not lube up or put on a condom, he put you at risk for an STD.
Clearly your cat thought you were scared, because cats typically don’t bite randomly. He was sensing your fear and distress and acted. Good kitty!
So, no, you did not consent to the final act, but comparing yourself to someone raped at gunpoint is a whole new ballgame. This is like comparing someone not returning a book they borrowed to burglary. You got your date all hot and bothered and he did not respect your boundaries. It’s one thing to tell a girl her skirt was too short, but when you are naked in bed together then you did agree to some level of sex.
Brian
“Not tonight” is no. This was rape. While he could have been more insistent somehow (repeated it, said it sternly, pushed back, punched, etc.), it’s not the victim’s fault if he doesn’t say it a million times or get violent. No means no. This shouldn’t still be a debate.
AxelDC
@Cam: I am really bothered by this sentence in his story: As we walked post-dinner, my brain was saying, ‘Don’t do it,’ while my mouth said, ‘Wanna come over?’”
Scott really seems to dissociate himself from his own actions and desires in this story. He invites a guy to dinner even though he claims not to want company. He decides not to invite him over, but his mouth (notice the depersonalization) invites the guy over. How many people have mouths that are divorced from their brains? It sounds like he was horny but his super ego was telling him not to have sex. Scott invited the guy over, not his mouth.
He leaves out the parts where he gets undressed and gets into bed. It goes from him unwillingly inviting him over to him having foreplay. Clearly something happened in between the apartment door opening and being naked in bed together. Did he say no to kissing, no to getting naked, no to bedding his date? He even admits that he had an erection, which is a clear invitation to his date for sex.
If Scott is asking us to be his jury, I would have a hard time buying his story. How is Mr. Rapey supposed to know what Scott really wants versus what his mouth and body tell the guy? He is not a mind reader and every step of this scene has Scott either agreeing or inviting to go to the next level, while his head seems to be screaming “no, no, no.”
Captain Obvious
I really don’t want to come off like I’m victim blaming because rape is flat out disgusting and no one EVER deserves it. But what is with all these guys who think because we’re gay they have to invite people they just met over?
Sleeping with someone within 2 hours after meeting? When a woman does that we call her a whore. Somehow different if it’s a guy?
This is the stuff our parents warn us about. Don’t invite someone you don’t know to your home.
Date, it’s not a crime! Get to know the person. Make them work for it. You’re worth more than a single date and then getting screwed by someone you’ll never see again.
Have more self worth. You do not need to “hook up”, it doesn’t make you a geek or a nerd to look for love rather than sex.
Sex gets you nothing, it’s an itch you can scratch by yourself. By a few sex toys and look for someone you’ll spend the rest of your life with rather than whoever looks attractive when you’re horny.
The world is so backwards now all in the name of what’s “cool”. How is playing leper by hiding behind stupid apps being cool? Cool used to be how many numbers you could get in real life because people thought you were cute and could hold a conversation… Get off the internet, hold a conversation, ask a guy out, wait more than a month to give it up. Don’t be a whore.
Guys should be following the same rules women are held to if you want to be safe and actually find a lasting relationship. Maybe it’s all common sense to me because I come from a family of long marriages without divorce. The “old” rules work way better than this new garbage from impatient and rather desperate people.
It’s so frustrating being a part of this generation.
twinktwice
Speaking of “sending the right signals and real meaning of words”… ‘Wanna come over?’ to a guy you JUST MET (after sexting a little)- means: how about a quick shag right now?
AnitaMann
A lot of potential rapists read this site apparently. Not surprising, though.
twinktwice
Inviting perfect strangers to your bed makes the one who accepts the invitation a “potential rapist”? That’s the stupidest shit ever, let’ face it.
Louis
As a guy with shorter stature and confidence problems, this has happened to me many times and I’m pretty sure that it caused me to catch STDs, as guys tried to rub their dick on my anus. i am astonished by the amount of people here doing victim blaming. not everyone is into anal sex. i repeat: NOT EVERYONE IS INTO ANAL SEX. it is NORMAL to just want foreplay during a hookup. but when you are in a sexual situation, lots of things come into play, power relations, and yeah, sometimes youre not comfortable enough to push someone away super clearly. this guy obviously isn’t able to understand both body language and oral language, and men should be able to listen to their partner’s desires and respect them, even during a casual hookup. i wouldn’t call this rape, but this guy definitely crossed the boundaries.
adventuretime
@Captain Obvious: Divorce has been pretty prevalent in American society for quite some time, so despite your family’s wonderful stories, I don’t think the “old” rules are any better than the new ones.
Also, maybe YOU call a woman a whore if she sleeps with a guy on the first date…but I simply call her a sexually active being. If the guy she’s with turns out to be a creep (or worse), that’s COMPLETELY his fault–not hers. People can have no sex, and that’s toally fine. Or people can have all the (hopefully safe) sex they want, and that’s fine too. Don’t start throwing out the word “whore” because then you have to come up with arbitrary (usually personal) opinions on what you think makes someone too much of a slut.
The problem is not that people want to have sex, or have sex quickly, or have a lot of it. It’s that there are a**holes out there, and there always will be.
twinktwice
If you are not ready for sex or to openly communicate about what you’d like and what you don’t, stop organizing blind sex-dates pls. Thank you.
(There are actual victims of rape out there, these kinda whiner-stories demean their real trauma also, btw.)
Gigi Gee
If I read the story correctly, his date got scratched by his cat before he had the opportunity to prod him with his pinga so no, he wasn’t date raped. #ClickBait
Gigi Gee
@twinktwice: Love your screen name!! I’m with you. If you don’t know whether or not you were raped on your date, and your date didn’t actually penetrate you…or really do much at all to you, then you’re just trying to get attention in a sadly pathetic way.
twinktwice
@Gigi Gee: Exactly! 😉 *hug*
Saint Law
@Captain Obvious: “It’s so frustrating being a part of this generation.”
I’m surprised you’re still here to comment. The 1870s was a long time ago.
Saint Law
Well, this one brought out the failed rapists.
Chris
@vive: You’ve put your finger on what I find so troubling about this narrative. The writer has no sense of agency — somehow, these things happened to him (including his inviting the guy over) in spite of his mind telling him not to. … The cat had more agency than him!
lykeitiz
@Kamuriie: Good lord, at least someone here has some sense! This is easily the dumbest thing I have read in MONTHS!
The only victim in this scenario is the poor dude who had to try to figure out what the babbling psycho he went home with wanted. Well….him & the cat….who had to rescue the pus*y.
The guy writes: “I wanted it to stop, but I didn’t want to be mean”, then says NOTHING, and it all stops because of the cat, and people are calling it RAPE??
I NEVER thought I’d see the point of view of a high school football player.
Unhinged indeed!
Daniel-Reader
So it turns out everyone in the story, including the cat, turned out to be dicks and assholes. How poetic. Since the story is heresay it could be a complete fabrication. For all we know, the cat is a diabolical mastermind who has stuffed multiple bodies into crawlspaces. Does huffpost pay people to write crap because there are a lot of gay authors, playwrights, and screewriters who could be way more entertaining… Also, why does the story say they met on tinder, instead of grindr?
Dxley
Come on! The guy is just crying wolf and he just wants some attention. He willingly invited the man to his place, into his bed, got naked with him and threw his legs in the air for some heavy butt-loving. There’s no rape! We all know that no means yes these days. When they say no, it usually means “it’s a yes, but I’ll play a little hard-to-get just so I don’t look slutty”. He could have easily stopped the guy, but where’s the fun in that? Why not just let it happen so that I can cry about it later so that I can receive some attention accompanied by sympathy? There’s NO rape here.
enlightenone
Not rape. He wanted this guy to make “the decision,” and he did!
seaguy
Always nice to have an attack cat around when you need one.
jar
I’d be curious to know is there is a generational divide in the responses to this story. I find it very difficult to call this rape when it stopped the minute the cat broke the “mood” and the writer’s erection. The willingness to relinquish his own agency (if a cat bite could put an end to it, certainly a more resolute no would have done the same thing) presumably out of a feeling that of course the other would be thinking of the writer’s feelings first. It appears the writer was being ambivalent, which was read as a sexual ploy or game. There’s no crime in that.
Cam
@AnitaMann: said…. “A lot of potential rapists read this site apparently. Not surprising, though.”
_____________________________
What a typical troll comment. You can’t elaborate on your comment but still felt like saying something bitchy.
Please point out the issue or don’t bother to post.
onthemark
@jar: “I’d be curious to know is there is a generational divide in the responses to this story.”
Aw, don’t be so polite. You’re trying to say the writer is a dipsh*t Millennial, “but you don’t want to be mean.” Say what you really mean or I’ll sic my attack cats Cobain and Hendrix on you!
enlightenone
@vocodr: “…inviting someone into your bed who you had no intention of having sex with.” He needs to listen to Stockard Channing as Rizzo in Grease (1978) singing a song w/ the lyrics: “There are worst things I could do to sleep with a boy or two than to…. She is talking about Sandy and her fake prudishness… Lol!
enlightenone
@Dxley: “…Threw his legs in the air for some heavy butt-loving. There’s no rape!” Only the big, wide, open gates to Wellington Manor! Lol
Bauhaus
Date rape occurs when a perpetrator uses physical or psychological intimidation to force a victim to have sex against his or her will, or when the perpetrator has sex with a victim who is incapable of giving consent because they have been incapacitated by drugs or alcohol.[11]
The victim clearly stated he didn’t want to have anal sex.
Any other kind of sexual activity was consensual.
The problem is at the moment of penetration: “I knew I didn’t like it, I wanted it to stop, but I didn’t want to be mean.”
He was assertive at the beginning of the encounter, and stated that anal wasn’t going to happen. He wanted it to stop when it was happening, but he didn’t want to be mean?
Stop, no, not tonight, next time, I don’t want too, I said I didn’t want to and I mean it, let’s do something else, I want to get to know you better, how about I f*ck you instead, this really turns me off and I said no; just say something to show that while in the heat of the moment, you mean it.
stanhope
So many dumb asses here. Even the cat knew his owner was about to be assaulted. How many men, bullied relentlessly never learned how to assert NO? That he said what he said might not be enough for some stupid fucks here but it was nonetheless enough. Know this, nobody has the right to fuck you when you don’t want to be fucked. Case closed. I am a badass but my ex boyfriend is not and had been teased in school. Once, when he was harassed at a grocery store, he asked the manager to give him an escort to his car. At first, when he told me this, my reaction was….why did you do that…had that asshole said anything to me in the parking lot he’d be eating his balls. Then I thought about what he had been through and praised him for his wise thinking. He didn’t need the man he loved to make him feel worse.
enlightenone
…”That he said what he said might not be enough for some stupid fucks here but it was nonetheless enough.” When your words are inconsistent with your behavior, it is the behavior that gets communicated. And if you are a “stupid fuck” or “dumbass” like yourself. The “victim” nor the “perpetrator” would get it. That cat only has its “instincts,” the only one that was clear in its “communication!”
ida dunham
Honey, I think you took too many women’s studies courses in college because that wasn’t rape. It may have been bad sex but blame yourself for not communicating what you wanted. You waive your right to cry rape when you get naked in bed with someone.
Cam
@stanhope:
Oh are you finished with your ranting? Here is an idea, take your baggage from your ex and put it back where it belongs, with your ex.
Try reading this story WITHOUT the sentences that describe what he was supposedly thinking, because if you do, it goes like this.
Went out, met a guy, had dinner, talked, invited him up to his place, blew him, took his clothes off, was hard, got into bed, told him no anal, he was aggressive, still hard, cat bit him, he stopped, commented on the other guy no longer being hard, left.
The difference here is your ex, didn’t go up to his harassers and invite them into his apartment, blow them, take off his clothes, get into bed with them etc… What everybody here is noticing that you seem to miss is that as soon as the guy in the apartment saw the other guys hard-on go away, they had a conversation and he left.
This guy keeps saying he didn’t want to do anything, but he was proactively bring this guy into a sexual situation the entire night. The guy didn’t ask to come into his apt. he asked him there, he claims he didn’t want to have sex with the guy and wasn’t interested, really? When why ask him up for sex.
That is where the posters on here are coming from. Yes, the other guy shouldn’t have tried to press it, and if the other guy said no anal, but this guy claiming his mind didn’t want to do this but his mouth asked the guy up is simply sounding nuts. “”he writes. “I felt trapped and a little scared … I knew I didn’t like it, I wanted it to stop, but I didn’t want to be mean.””
He didn’t want to be mean? Really?
Stillwell_Angel
“You waive your right to cry rape when you get naked in bed with someone” is perhaps the most disturbing thing I’ve read here. It’s the equivalent of “she was wearing a short skirt” or “was dancing erotically.”
No, I do not think the author was raped. I think he felt uncomfortable. Possibly threatened. Definitely socially awkward. But not raped.
However, no matter what you’ve done prior to flirt or invite a person over or take off your clothes, the minute anyone says no, the other person should stop whatever they are doing. Plain and simple.
enlightenone
@stanhope: Should read: And if you are a “stupid fuck” or “dumbass” like they were, the “victim” nor the “perpetrator” would get it. That cat only has its “instincts,” the only one that was clear in its “communications!”
enlightenone
@Stillwell_Angel: “…The other person should stop whatever they are doing.” Sure, that’s relative to the “crime” for what is considered “rape,” but the nature of reality, human nature, and ambivalence/ blurring of communication, it’s not as simple as “stop.”
enlightenone
@Cam: Subjectivity makes it difficult for guys like @Stanhope see clearly and due to harm to his boyfriend (some shared trauma) there can be reactivity, defensiveness, and “ranting.” I’m empathetic, but I don’t excuse or turn a blind eye to his name-calling as evidenced by my “reply” to him.
gbnsf
I had a situation that was somewhat ambiguous and left me wondering what the heck happened. I went home with some guy I met at the bar. He was bigger and stronger than I was and had this dominant nature about him that I picked up on when we were walking home. At one point, he suddenly (literally) threw me up against a building and started making out with me; I remember thinking that was a little odd. In my bedroom, we were naked, fooling around when he gets on top of me, holds my right arm down and then begins sliding his other arm up to my neck and starts choking me! As I was struggling to breathe, I couldn’t yell, I tried to push his arm off with my free hand but it made no difference, I couldn’t budge his grasp. I was shocked and beginning to get scared, he saw it on my face. Looking at me now with disdain, he starts taunting me: “do you think you can really stop me? You need to be careful who you pick up. You never know who you’ll get”. He told me to raise my legs, I didn’t comply. He then snarled for me to ‘raise my fu&*ing legs’ and squeezed my neck harder blocking off all air, I then complied. He took me, I didn’t participate anymore. He finished, got dressed and left. I didn’t move for a couple hours, wondering what the heck happened. Was it a rape? Some mind f&*k? I invited the guy back and I was initially having consensual sex with him. It was all weird. The guy was wholesome looking, clean cut, decent looking. It was very unexpected.
It may not have been consensual but it started as such. I remember thinking it was ambiguous. I got over it. It’s not always so clear where that line is.
enlightenone
“It’s not always so clear where that line is.”
Actually, there is, if your STORY is true, and you would know what it is if you weren’t a bonehead twink! Here’s the line: “…At one point, he suddenly (literally) threw me up against a building and started making out with me.”
“I remember thinking that was a little odd.”
Wake up and be “MEAN” and get away from your chosen Neanderthal by any means necessary because you clearly can’t rely on YOUR brain!
gbnsf
@enlightenone:
In retrospect, it’s easy to say that now. But at the time, that in itself, being thrown against a building to make out as we are on the way to a hookup and do far more than kissing, wasn’t enough of a signal. I was young, but I was also 6′ 175, worked out and felt capable of handling myself. But this guy had a few inches on me and about 30 lbs, he was solid. I have had hookups previously, it wasn’t something I was expecting or prepared to handle.
With one arm pinned down, your airway being restricted, instinctively my free arm was trying to move his arm off my throat. He was stronger. In retrospect, I should have tried to go for his eyes with my free arm…if I could have reached. A sudden attack is surprising and shocking. No apologies here.
Cam
@gbnsf: Your situation sounds far more like rape than the story here. I’m sorry that happened to you.
moondoggie
I think the writer best sums it up:
“As I came to learn, it’s the grey area of is this assault or just harmless aggressive behavior? is where the confusion begins.”
The aggressor here seems insensitive, at best, but a rapist? Not in this case, I feel.
The aggressor isn’t a mind-reader. The writer’s ambivalence about what was happening was an internal, unspoken, dialog. Until he heard, “not tonight,” the aggressor saw/heard signals which were clear (sexy texts, intention to hook-up, dinner, invitation by author to his place, both naked in bed with boners.) And usually, via Tinder or Grindr, you also find out if a guy likes to bottom.
To be sure, I Absolutely would’ve stopped when the writer said, “not tonight, it’s not gonna happen.” But a lot of bottoms I’ve played with like me to take control and be aggressive, even forceful, so I can empathize with this aggressive top, if not with his lack of sensitivity and listening skills … he sounds like a jerk.
But I think the blame goes both ways here. There does come a moment .. . like when you’ve said “no” and the guy isn’t taking “no” for an answer … or when your legs are in the air, your arms are pinned down, and a dick is trying to press into you … when you can’t and shouldn’t rely on your cat to protect you.
The writer seems more concerned with “being mean” than bucking like a bronco and saying, “look dude, I actually meant ‘NO’ when I said ‘NO’ … and I think it’s time you left.” The writer’s been wondering if he should feel scared, he obviously feels he made a mistake inviting this guy back to his house (but says nothing,) he worsens it by getting naked and hard with the guy … so, sorry, you have to take a little responsibility for the situation and not worry about “being mean” to an insensitive clod.
And, I think, the author sees this whens he says, “As I came to learn, it’s the grey area of is this assault or just harmless aggressive behavior? is where the confusion begins.”
Curtispsf
I’m surprised that Queerty didn’t use the following heading for this article:
“Gay man saved by Pussy.
enlightenone
@Curtispsf: Priceless!
Cam
@Curtispsf:
Who knew they had teeth?! We’re much more lucky than we knew!
sesfm
Silly gay, only females get to decide after the fact whether or not it was rape!
ParisHiltonsBadEye
@gbnsf: that was a pretty scary story. You’re lucky to be alive!
Clark35
@aliengod: Agreed this twinkie queen was not raped.