Imagine if, as a teenager, you finally worked up the nerve to tell your father you’re gay — and he turned around to confess that he’s gay, too.
That’s apparently the plight of a 17-year-old Redditor named benkodenko, who packs an admirable amount of drama into a relatively short post asking the community for advice:
So I turned 17 couple of days back and I told my dad that I’m gay. To my surprise, my dad took it very positively and looked happy. That evening he told me he’s gay too, always been. He says he never cheated on my mom with a guy and got married due to social and family reasons.
Should we tell my mom, what to do?
Needless to say, his message has generated plenty of responses.
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“Sounds like something he needs to decide for himself,” says daisydevlin.
“Usually when you’re married with children and have a house together, cars, pretty much built a life together, it could do some serious damage. I reckon you talk to your dad about it and see what he thinks and where he stands.”
“I think your dad has already shown you the secret to life,”Averagejohnsie76 says.
“Being happy is choice. You will always find people who don’t like what you do. You will always have to do things you don’t want to do. Things won’t always turn out the way you would like, but choosing to be happy is what will make you happy.
Unless he has outright said ‘I’m unhappy’ then he has chosen to be happy in the lifestyle he is leading.”
“It’s not just up to the husband,”rhgreene says.
“The wife has a right to know the truth about her marriage and decide to be a part of it too. It sounds like he hasn’t cheated, but he has kept this secret from her and he married her while withholding information, which she had a right to know about before spending the rest of her life with him.”
Related: Married man grapples with bisexual urges and being faithful to wife, seeks advice
“The decision is ultimately your father’s,” says KuNTmuffinn, “but I personally think it’d be cruel for him to just flat out never say anything.”
“If he can tell you his true feelings, he’s man enough to tell your mother, too. I wouldn’t keep your mom in the dark about this.”
“He hasn’t been unfaithful, so no,” say siraphine. “It’s not your job to come out for someone else.”
What advice would you offer this young man? Should he out his father, or come out to his mom and stay mum about his dad? Sound off in the comments below…
Josh447
Dad did cheat his wife out of honesty. I think it’s his job alone to decide to tell his wife. The son can come out to his mom but should then go on with his life. It would bring incredible pressure on the dad to come clean I would think, as his son is now carrying a very intense secret. I do not think the dad should have told his son without telling his wife also. He is in a very bad position right now and should highly consider coming clean. If he’s not ready to do that he should have withheld telling his son he’s gay. ?
jspatlanta
I can’t believe his father would lay THAT revelation at his doorstep at this time but quite frankly the son seems perfectly ok with it. OK, fine, whatever. His father needs to grow up and tell his wife the truth, it shouldn’t be a family affair. When and if he ever does admit the truth to his wife the son needs to understand that they have a long journey ahead of them and it’s one they need to navigate. The son has a long journey ahead as well, one that I hope includes the love of his life. A life that is void of the type of lie and longevity of that lie he’s grown up in.
Donston
Not telling your spouse a huge part of who you are is indeed cheating. It’s even worse to reveal it to your son and force him to keep it secret. Honestly, though, at least half of these “I’m going through a gay crisis and I need advice” things comes off as trolling. But it does spark interesting debate.
I don’t have any real advice though.
ChrisK
I used to meet up with allot of married guys. Yeah, the wife didn’t have a clue. I don’t anymore though. I don’t want to be part of their dirty little secret. Plus, it’s deception far worse then just mere cheating IMO. If I was the wife I’d have murder on my mind if my husband kept that from me.
o.codone
ChrisK. You’re making yourself very self-important here, positioning yourself as part of some guy’s “dirty little secret”. You are no such thing. You do NOT matter in the equasion, except in your own small delusional mind. All you are is 10 minutes of dick, you’re not part of some guy’s dirty little secret.
Jaroslaw
o.codone – ChrisK was not making himself important, he was saying he wasn’t going to “help” husbands cheat.
Reasonable
Each is responsible for their OWN truth.
QNetter
Bravo.
Lots of people don’t tell their spouses lots of things about themselves. I’m not saying it’s good or bad – it just is.
And lots of people, gay, bi, whatever, don’t think their sexual orientation is as important a part of who they are as some of the other commenters, or I, do.
If their marriage is working for them, there’s no reason to talk about it if he doesn’t choose to.
Mack
When I came out to my wife after 7 1/2 years of marriage, I also asked for divorce. I knew I couldn’t continue. We had no children so that made it easier I think. Now 32 years later we’re still good friends. Matter of fact about 5 years ago she asked if we could get back together, then I reminded her why we got divorced in the first place. Her answer was “so you don’t want to?” I guess we’ll always be friends.
Chris
I think that the dad told the son in order to support him by sharing something with him. But it’s not the son’s place to turn around and to out his father anymore than it’s dad’s place to do so.
If the son is awkward about this secret that dad shared with him; then by all means, he should confront dad with the burden this has placed on him.
But no, it is not the son’s place to share anything with mom other than what is about himself.
Minerva pomerantz
It depends on the resources of the family. Can this child inform his mother without anyone loosing income and status? If they were rich, tell mom and follow her wishes. Get divorced, continue living together, not have her have to struggle after the announcement. Can the kid afford to be homeless if the family splits and something happens like someone finds out at dad’s work and he gets fired? My advice is to proceed slowly with this kind of revelation. Whatever they do, they should not be holding a long stemmed rose.
CarrieV
I’m not going to say this Reddit poster was trolling for teh lulz… but many of them DO. I wish there was not so much absurd, over-the-top drama in Reddit’s confessionals. It makes it hard to sympathize with the plights of the people with authentic issues. Reddit has become a cross between Penthouse Forum and prank calls.
Having said that, Bravo to the pair for feeling right enough to come out to one another. The only person who should out someone is themselves, and only when they are comfortable and prepared.
Donston
The whole “no one should ever be outed no matter the circumstances” thing is getting a lil absurd, to the point where deceiving people is perfectly acceptable because god forbid someone find out you’re a ‘mo. If you find out that your sister is about to marry a man who just confessed to you that he’s gay you wouldn’t tell your sister? At a certain point you gotta grow up and face the music, particularly if you’re sleeping with people behind your significant other’s back.
I know me personally I would certainly tell my mother. But the relationship I have with my parents greatly molds that decision. I’m closer to my mother. But I would certainly give my father some time to tell her himself. Every family situation has many nuances. So, as always it’s very difficult to give advice on these vague scenarios.
Richard 55
Homosexuality should be a quality, not an identity.
Jumping to the “I’m gay” conclusion is being unfair to yourself too. Just because you have sexual attraction to men should not change who you are – it shouldn’t have to be an identifier.
Donston
It’s not a quality or an “identity”. It’s an orientation. An inherent, stable and instinctual part of your make-up.
It’s funny how obsessed you are with closet cases and hating women. Yet, you constantly suggest that gay men should reject themselves. Talk about a head-case.
nitejonboy
I hooked up with a married man in my early 20’s and I’ve never forgotten about it.I feel guilty as hell, and I pray his poor wife someday learned the truth and was able to get her own life. If he’s not telling her he’s gay, then it’s as bad as cheating. He is lying to his wife about who he really is.
kookookachoo
Well, garsh. We don’t know enough circumstances of Mom and Dad’s early relationship. I mean, for example, did Dad know he was gay and never acted upon it and put it aside to lead life as a het for her and for his own peace-of-mind. I know hundreds of men that have done that in the past forty years. People still do it. Mom and Dad obviously are happy and had a kid together over twenty years or more. They need to choose a time to tell Mom, but they should wait for an opportune time to do so. He can weaken it, say he had bi tendencies, but chose heterosexuality. Choose the right time and move it on down the road. lol
djbear
I know two men whose sons came out to them and later found out Dada was gay too. The son in one case was so angry his Dad put him through that without himself being honest that he cut his Dad off. Obviously, the ideal is for both of them to come out to Mom/wife together or individually, but they should not OUT the other one. I was married without knowing I was gay and stayed married 34 years. I should have recognized signs I was gay but did not until I achieved the pinnacle of my career. Then I came out to my wife, she would not believe it and so went through it all a second time of coming out. I know men whose wives want to stay married and can accommodate the gay dating. I know other wives who throw their husband out the minute they get the news. My parents had died by the time I came out to my wife, but honestly I would have been less fearful of coming out to my parents. The advice I give is take repsonsibility to self but don’t out the other.
chuck
Good grief, both gang up on mother at the same time!? Why not give her a bottle of pills or directions to lovers leap. Sometimes it’s kinder to leave things unsaid or allow a person you love the safety of their delusions. These women often figure it out for themselves, silently living with the family they would rather find some comfort from instead of the horrific shock of deception.
aidanbh
As a gay psychotherapist for more than 30 years, often dealing with the areas of relationships, sexual identity, et al., this is not as uncommon a situation as people might think. First, we must dispel the myth… the wife does NOT have “a right to know”. Being married is not a contract to know absolutely everything about the other person, and in turn their obligation to disclose everything. Relationships are “romantic” for the first few years. After that, it is more practical than romantic (without necessarily losing it entirely)… it has to do with “what works”. This notion that we must be totally open about everything, and up-front from the very beginning, is a fictional narrative of the 20th century, driven by the unrealistic ideals of the literary, musical and cinematic industries, perpetuated by the social process of conforming to whatever these instructions might be. In other words, formulas of ideal happiness sell well. If the father married the mother because he loved her, then this is an action totallt divorced from sexual orientation. In sessions, I often ask the wife, “What would you prefer, that [John] married you because he met you and fell in love with you, or that because he were heterosexual, he could fancy any woman, and it just happened to end up being you?” The answer has invariably been, “I love him because I have always known that he loves ME, for who I am, not what I am.” In that case, the original question remains the same, merely replacing the word “heterosexual” with “homosexual”, “unless you hold that no man could possibly love you for who you are, unless they were only interested in certain bits.” In an age in which marrying ‘normally’ for the sake of appearances is rapidly on the decline, it is precisely the fact that the husband is homosexual which INCREASES the likelihood that he loves her for who she is, rather than for what she is. The same cannot always be said of heterosexuals themselves.
Donston
Gay male “intellectuals” love to promote gay shame and secrecy.
“The Son” flat-out said that his father said that the only reason he got married was for social reasons and wanting a family. Did you not read the article? And yes, no one is entitled to know everything about their spouse, but not knowing their inherent orientation is a huge thing. Hell, if you keep that to yourself you might as well lie about everything. Furthermore, revealing it to your child only puts a layer of psychological pressure on that kid that no parent should put on their child. Unless he wasn’t ready to come out to his wife he shouldn’t have come out to his son.
Everyone has the right to live whatever “lifestyle” they choose and partner up with whomever. But not revealing your inherent orientation to your significant other is not acceptable. And the fact that so many gay men still think that it is is a huge reason why there’s still so much resentment and lying.
But yes, there’s a pretty good chance “the mother” already knows. But once again, the details are too scant to give any legit advice.
Jaroslaw
Donston – I totally agree with you the father should not have told the son about his own orientation. That was so not necessary him to be supportive of his son. I’m not convinced this is even a real story, but assuming it is, I don’t see any indication in your response that you have more wisdom and knowledge than the Dr. you’re responding to. In old movies, ‘fallen’ women were invariably destined to have miserable lives because of their transgression(s). You make the same conclusion that if this man does not tell his wife there will be resentment and lying. Guess what? We all make choices in our lives. No one gets everything they want. Mature people understand this and make the best of their situation or they can spend the rest of their lives commiserating about what might have been. (I can certainly attest to this in my own life). So unless, there is some indication that the husband or wife is unhappy, you’re making a big assumption. I could ask you – did you read anything about that in the article?
QNetter
No, Donston, he didn’t say “the only reason he got married was for social reasons and wanting a family” – he said he got married for social and family reasons. You exaggerate grossly. Besides, what if those were his sole reasons? He married someone to whom he has obviously been a good companion and co-parent, and got and gave the love and family they wanted. Why isn’t that just a good thing?
Alan down in Florida
Unless you all saw something that I didn’t there is nothing here that says the mother does not know. Most straight women married to gay men know at some point – either before or during the marriage.
Perhaps the reason Daddy so easily let slip the secret is because it was a secret only to the son and that mama already knew from Daddy.
DMRX
I think most of us read the line, “Should we tell my mom, what to do?”
Ryan Field
I would bet the mom already knows…or at least she’s suspected as much for years. I don’t think she’ll be shocked. There are a lot of marriages where gay men marry straight women and they live perfectly normal, happy lives.
chuck
First off being homosexual isn’t a “lifestyle” it’s who you are. when I told my father I am gay he called me a no good c— sucker. BTW I spent the rest of my life proving him wrong, wink wink. After the intimidating upbringing I got from him, if he told me that in fact he also was homosexual, I probably would have offered him a BJ…
salumbre
I love how people read one Reddit and they instantly know better than the poster what’s wright of wrong for him/her, despite the fact that they don’t know that person from Adam.
Donston
And the stories are typically super vague but has a whiff of outlandishness. Yet, people feel like they know exactly what’s going on and what needs to be done.
Tête Carrée
Adam and Steve? I know them!
ErikO
Another fake story from reddit.
BriBri
That’s a tough one. Before I came out, my first piece was a girl that eventually became a trannie male. I took her to see her shrink all the while. I was 16 at the time and thought it was bizarre of course. She was kind of the athletic horsey type girl. Life is complicated sometimes.
Richard 55
The dad is able to get an erection with women. He’s proved it. Good on him. If he gets an erection with men too, that’s his right. You can’t stop an erection, and you have no right to try, either.
All thise prissy, tut-tutting queens trying to create an identity crisis for this man are truly pathetic creatures. You’re a danger to your fellow man and should be classified as embarrassments.
Tête Carrée
I always thought gay men who refer to other gay men (especially ones they have never seen) as prissy queens were an embarrassment and an impediment to progress.
Richard 55
The wife does NOT have a right to know everything that turns on her husband. He is entitled to some privacy. She should NOT be allowed to own his sexuality.
So long as he doesn’t cheat on her, it’s not her business what he feels sexually.
Richard 55
A wife has NO right to own a man’s sexual feelings – no right at all. If he finds a man sexy, he is entitled to do that. She should not be allowed to have a mortgage on his feelings.
Donston
So, to you a relationship is just about social acceptance and mind games? Also, the purposed father said he was gay. So, there is no “identity crisis”.
Your opinions are hella stern for a scenario that’s extremely vague and is probably fiction. But you never miss an opportunity to hate women and support gay men not self-accepting. I don’t understand how someone can hate women and self-accepting gay men at the same time. (Although, that is frequently the case for self-hating homos).
No doubt you’re alone and will remain so.
Donston
I’ve always thought you sounded like a man who was once honest about himself with a woman you loved and then got rejected. Get over it already. Find some way to love a man or find a woman that will accept your sexuality or continue to chill by yourself. Either way, constantly coming here to hate women and guilt gay men who are comfortable with themselves doesn’t do anything for anyone.
Jaroslaw
Donston – I don’t know what Richard 55 has written elsewhere, but I see no hatred of women or self confident Gay men here. The wife does not have a right to control her husband’s feelings. That would be mind control wouldn’t it? You’re kinda bossy and mean yourself assuming Richard is alone etc. Getting personal really doesn’t add to the discussion.
Donston
@”Jaroslaw”
You’re probably “Richard” as in only the slimmest of people are ludicrous enough to think being honest about yourself is the equivalent of “mind control”. And yes, “Richard” (aka probably you) has said many hateful things towards women and self-accepting gay men whether ambiguously or overtly. “Richard” has been the most persistently pushy and hateful person on this site. And his opinions have been incredibly inconsistent and contradictory with the only persistent thing being resentment towards women.
Find another moniker to support your nonsense.
Donston
“Richard” is a very special case. But the fact that there are so many who feel entitled to keep their inherent selves secret from their partners, there are so many who feel entitled to have a wife and sleep with men on the side (not that they want it but that it’s something that they’re entitled to have), so many who feel entitled to with sleep with other people’s husband’s- it just reminds me of how horrible so many supposed enlightened people are at their core, reminds me of why “progress” is slow as fvck and why self-hate might be more prevalent than ever.
batesmotel
Interesting that the father and the son are both gay. Could be a genetic connection there, since some believe there is a gay gene. As for telling the mother, she must be living in denial to not be aware that they might both be gay, unless the father and son are both so straight male acting no one could detect. This also sounds like a 1950’s problem. Hard to believe that in 2017 there are still gay men living in sham marriages. Unless he never realized he was gay until deep into the marriage with houses, careers, mortgages, families, etc. It’s very challenging to dissolve all of that. Then again there are a lot of cases where the guy comes out to the wife and they dissolve the marriage, but become friends instead.
pscheck2
I think it would be devastating to the wife to have both her son and husband lay it on her that they are gay. Per the dad, he seems to have been able to control his urges and did not cheat on her with a man and if he is in love with her, why hurt her now? Confession now is too late–he should have never entered into marriage, regardless of pressures put on him to do so! He should be in his son’s corner and help his wife understand their son’s feelings and his future in their lives as well in the lives of those who love him, so that he will not suffer the sting of homophobia! (I know of a similar case, but this was the father coming out to his son (his wife already knew–long story) and his son’s reaction–“dad, where you top or bottom?” He too did not cheat on his wife with a guy and his marriage lasted 23 years).
gossimer
The son can come out to his mom but not say anything about his dad. Perhaps his mom already knows in her own way about her husband, too, perhaps not, however, it’s not the son’s place to say anything about his dad. If it helps any, there is a movie you can watch about this very subject, The Lost Language of Cranes (1992), it’s a great British film.