Anonymous Homosexuals Elude Google Satellites

Google’s satellite imaging has been heralded as both the greatest and the most insidious of the massive search engine’s ever expanding services. We decided to put it to the test by searching for our three favorite words: “gay,” “queer” and “homosexual”.

Gay turned up about 4,140,545 geographical locations – New York’s Blue Stocking Books took the number one slot, for some reason. Milwaukee’s Queer Life News led the queer registry, which boasted a mere 23,432 places.

“Homosexual,” meanwhile, can be found at 24,742 locations, ironically dominated by Homosexuals Anonymous – a shadowy group with numerous international locations, including Clear Lake, Iowa. HA describes its mission thus:

H.A. believes that there is no such thing as a homosexual, only men and women, created by God heterosexually, who because of the broken world we live in, are confused over their sexual identity. H.A. members do not introduce themselves by saying, “Hello, I’m George and I’m a homosexual.” It is the paradox of Homosexuals Anonymous that people who became members discover in time that by God’s grace they are not what they thought they were. The discovery of this grace ensures their restoration as dignified people.

Do they then get their names back or do they pull some witness relocation shit?

The organization’s so anonymous, in fact, even Google’s mighty satellites can’t track it down. When you zoom in, the area around HA’s HQ disappears!! Is Googling covering HA’s homo-hating tracks or are larger powers at work behind the scenes? If there are, in fact, some puppeteers behind HA’s satellite scrambling, they may want to work on Google’s good old fashioned map, which gives us a rough location for HA’s Iowa HQ.

Speaking of the former New Jersey mayor, “fag” can only be found one place in the world – Iceland. And, like homosexual anonymous, avoids Google’s satellite. Fag, however, totally tops Homosexuals Anonymous – the map can’t seem to find it. Those wily fags!