We’ve all scrolled down our news feed and have been accosted by “friends” who are inevitably having the “BEST DAY EVER!!!” seven days a week, 365 days a year. In fact, I’ve noticed a healthy handful of people who believe Facebook to be a place for them to constantly tell the world how absolutely fabulous their lives are. They have rebranded the site we know and love from Facebook to “Bragbook.”
Now, good things happen to all of us, and at times we want to share that with the community at large. Inviting others to experience your joy is a beautiful gesture. However, I’m not talking about that. What I’m referring to are the Facebook users who make it their sole goal to let you know how amazing their life is in comparison to yours.
I call these people “Facebook terrorists.”
This person’s reign of terror comes in the form of incessant bragging. Not a day goes by during which they don’t use their status updates to wreak havoc on those of us having a “so-so” day with overly joyous proclamations of their wonderful existence. According to the Facebook terrorist, the sun is always shining on them, everyday is a holiday and they shit out bars of pure gold.
He will never post about how the stress from losing his job horrifically triggered his Irritable Bowel Syndrome, creating his very own “Jackson Pollock” all over the Starbucks bathroom, how he went to battle in his apartment and lost to a cockroach the size of a developing country, or how he recently got dumped for someone twice his size whose breath smells like hickory-smoked sausage. No, instead he opts to post, “Off to Bali!! Third vacation this year!!!”
Listed below are merely a few of the categories the braggart will use. If you know any of the following culprits, please use caution when dealing with them as they tend to be highly into themselves and may not notice if you are choking, drowning or in need of immediate medical attention.
The Work Bragger:
He’s the status updater who loves to brag about work and post sayings like, “booked it!” “got it!” or “nailed it!”
With the country’s still exorbitant unemployment rate, no one wants to be reminded that he didn’t get the job interview or audition, let alone the actual job. There might be a better way to “share” your employment status other than posting, “On a roll! I actually have to turn down jobs!” “Wish I could also be lazy and enjoy the sunshine, but as usual, I have to work” or the worst, “Who booked three national commercials in one week and has two thumbs? THIS GUY!!!”
The Relationship Bragger:
These are the couples who act like they don’t see each other every single day or have access to a phone when they constantly post love letters to one another on a very impersonal, public website. Instead of posting how your significant other is the most amazing person that ever roamed the earth, why not just walk the 20 feet into the kitchen and whisper those same sweet nothings in his or her ear? Ignoring the fact that these relationships usually end in an equally public disaster, the main objective of his status is to let you know, no matter how much you love the people in your life, you’ve just been out done, because he and his partner “love” each other more.
The Body Bragger:
This is the FB user who spends the majority of his day at the gym, leaving barely enough energy in his carb-deprived body to post about his workout, diet or upload yet another picture of his chiseled physique.
Though I wholeheartedly disagree, [clears throat and fidgets uncomfortably] word on the street is that I am a member of this group.
You can spot my fellow narcissists by our scantily-clad pictures wearing only a pair of underwear, a strategically placed leaf or poetically draped in the American flag.
The Death Bragger:
This is a small, yet powerfully annoying group who like to capitalize on others’ demise. Whenever anyone famous dies, they will overload you with posts bragging about how they knew the dead person, worked with the dead person or bumped into the dead person in a CVS while reaching for an enema bag and a Charleston Chew. Some even go so far as to dust off the old scanner to post a picture with said dead person from the year flashbulbs were invented. He loves to wax and wane over the dead in grandiose statements about life and, in an essence, make the persons passing all about him.
The Religious Bragger:
In my opinion, he is the worst. This is the person who is much too “humble” to let you know how fantastic he is, so he’ll let God say it for him. He will often post things like, “truly anointed” or “blessed and highly favored.” What he really means is, God likes him better than you. The rest of us, innocently going through our normal, everyday lives are unfortunately lower on the “favored” list and therefore shit out of luck.
If by chance you find yourself having such a holy, spiritual experience, try keeping it sacred and personal. Unless of course you believe it to be God’s will that you brag about your many blessings to the entire cyber world, then by all means — spread the word.
John Carroll is a Broadway performer, writer and activist. For more information on him, go to TheJohnCarroll.com.