CNN Anchor Confirms That Dildos Have Been Hunted To Extinction

Stop what you’re doing right now, go find your sex toys, and lock them in a fireproof chest with an unbreakable combination lock. They may be the last of their kind.

With heavy hearts, we pass along this developing story from the CNN newsroom that confirms, without a doubt, that man has hunted all dildos to extinction. Black dildos, white dildos, spotted dildos, curved dildos and exotic dildos are all gone. There are no more.

Unlike other species that fall victim to extreme climate change as a result of global warming, the dildo’s blood is on our hands. That’s right—man himself is responsible for the loss of one of humanity’s oldest and most important tools.

Rest in peace, dildos. You will be sorely missed.