As a service to the gay community, throughout this Valentine’s Day season, Queerty is playing Anne Landers/Dan Savage to the online gay world of Craigslist, our favorite go-to spot for unintentional hilarity. We’ll give our advice to online suitors, but we hope you’ll get involved as well, helping to play cupid to the digital masses teeming to breathe heavy.
Our magical mystery tour of romance continues on to hipster enclave Williamsburg, which has all the mustaches of Haight-Ashbury, if none of the cultural cachet:
“I go out barfing after midnight – m4m – 25 (Williamsburg)
Reply to: [email protected] [?]
Date: 2009-02-04, 4:41PM EST
This happened on Friday night after Metro. Me: Wasted. World’s first supermodel. Big blond hair. Tall, leggy blond (test driving the color). I fell down, plop, not actually barfing though. All my stuff fell hemorrhaged out my maroon tote bag. You: Prince. Prince-like. You picked up my wallet and my moleskin (where I perfectly catalogue all the mutant powers I want when I grow up [iron stomach–check!]) and walked me/carried me home. I kept calling you ROY! because I thought your were my friend ROY! but he and I had parted ways a ways away.
WHO ARE YOU!?!??!
ps I’m not actually a hot tranny mess I just drink (a lot)”
Our initial instinct here, as a blogger, is to judge you and judge you harshly. From referring to yourself as the “world’s first supermodel” to describing your burgeoning alcoholism, you give us a lot of material to work with. But we’re trying to keep in the spirit of being a “self-help guru” and so, instead of referring you to Promises, we’ll lend you a helping (read: enabling) hand.
How to Find a Guy You Met While Totally Blasted in Three Easy Steps
1. Check Your Pockets
If you wake up the next morning with only dim memories of a cute boy and no cute boy shaped indentation next to you in your bed, there’s a halfway decent chance you drunkenly exchanged numbers, emails or business cards. Since nobody really carries around pen and paper anymore (except for geeky web editors), chances are it’s in your cell. Check your call log to see if there any new numbers. Of course, you’re carrying a moleskin, so you should probably check for a non-mutant power related note. If you don’t find any evidence of your meeting, you might want to consider the possibility that your interest (how shall we say this?) is just not that into you.
2. Ask Your Friends
Or in the case of our missed connection friend, the local homeless guy on the street. Somebody was around with more restraint than you and saw you stumbling along home, loudly calling your rescuer by the wrong name.
3. Consider a Lifestyle Change
Sorry, but come on, Wasted! This is one of those tragic moments in your life where you’re supposed to realize that maybe you’re going about things the wrong way. If you have to post a Craigslist ad looking for a guy who not only picked you up off the ground, but also took you home, maybe it’s time to make a change. Your missed connection sounds really sweet, so we don’t blame you for trying to find him, but really, how are you going to tell the kids you met? “Well, Daddy was in such a drunken stupor that other Daddy had to pick him up off the floor and walk him home?”
One final thought: Do you still have your wallet and moleskin? Has your apartment been robbed? Because it’s really possible that you were mugged and just don’t know it.
Are we being too hard on Wasted? Everyone knows alcohol is a great social lubricant, but when it has you slipping and falling on your ass are you damning yourself to an eternity of ‘missed’ connections?