The first time I suspected I would never be one of The Beautiful Men was on a Match.com date about eight years ago.
The guy looked like an ad for every gay club/moisturizing commercial/gut-reducing ad I’ve seen. When I sat down next to him I didn’t think I’d be able to speak. He wore this sexy sweater and wanted me to touch it; yes, the fabric was that good.
Turns out, he made me feel completely at ease and we hit it off big-time, at some point losing all inhibitions in a coffee shop in Chelsea (of course) and sharing a kiss. We had a lot in common and just, you know, “vibed”—a word I use about as often as I online date. We must have been there for a couple of hours, at times laughing till we were red in the face.
I thought, “Maybe I’m too hard on myself. I’m decent-looking, I’m funny, I’m kind. Who wouldn’t want me?”
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After we finally left, I got up the nerve to send him a note, saying how much I enjoyed the date and how much I’d like to see him again. He responded, hours later, with a text that said something to the effect of “David, you’re a very sweet and attractive man. However, I would never date you in a million years. Best.”
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I’m paraphrasing but that was pretty much the gist of it.
Never one to just let things just go, I asked him why.
“You’re just not right. Nothing personal.”
That quote I remember vividly.
I didn’t fit in with the popular kids on the playground, and I don’t fit in with the grown-up guys who still pick sides to make up the perfect team.
The “beauty” I speak of isn’t all about aesthetics—some of the sexiest men I know wouldn’t fit my definition—it’s a type, a subset of physically attractive men who live in an antiseptic world of the right look, the right home, the right job, the right dog to accent just the right sconces.
They’re Mean Girls doused in politically correct tropes and John Varvatos.
If you fret over being ignored by these men or are as susceptible to their charms as I have been guilty of, know that, up close, they’re usually not nearly as sexy as their filters would suggest. It’s taken me a long time to spot one before I get hurt, but quick thinking when it comes to attractive men has never been my strong suit.
The Instagram model I slept with is a favorite lesson-learner. He’s one of those guys with about a million followers whose photos make you believe in God—cause you’re looking at divinity—and spends a lot of time in photos wearing only underwear and looking out the window while sipping coffee. And usually has spiritual words of comfort as a caption. Sigh…
I’d never met Michael in person, but knew he lived in my area via Grindr pics he’d post, mostly supporting his OnlyFans page. I didn’t dare ping him. Out of the blue one night, I get a note asking if he could come over, along with select X-rated photos to seal the deal. He gave specifics as to what he wanted and asked if I was game.
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It was heaven until it was hell. The moment he walked in the door he removed his clothes and any inhibitions and went straight into the bedroom. He was full of compliments, lacked any sense of arrogance you might suspect, and, despite this being my house, was the perfect host.
I’m not sure when I realized he was high, but I was the one who felt the crash.
Things got messy—okay, so not the perfect host—and he locked himself in the bathroom for an hour (paranoia, he told me). When I finally got him out and comforted him, he started mad texting friends and saying he was in trouble. He was afraid to walk home, and I volunteered to escort him. Finally, in the middle of the night, he just up and fled.
Drugs happen, and so do bad experiences, so I texted him the next day to make sure he was okay. He told me I was out of his league (I’m assuming that’s what “old and ugly” meant) and to leave him alone. Then he blocked me. Next, his husband (news to me) sent me a Grindr note with a warning to never harass his spouse again. Once again, block!
Today, Michael’s still gathering up Instagram followers, wearing boxer briefs in muscled glory and inspiring others with his words of supportive, inclusive inspiration. If there are cracks in the frame the hashtags hide them well.
Perhaps the prettiest of the pretty shallow was the Beautiful Man who asked me on a date last summer. In this case, I had “met” him on Scruff and was hoping for a hookup. Brad, who looked like he just stepped out of a Nasty Pig Elite modeling session, told me that never, under any circumstances, does he have sex before meeting, so we set a time for dinner.
Cool: He’s old-fashioned. And with professional nudes, to boot.
I probably should have wised-up after he canceled the first time because “I just wasn’t feeling it tonight,” but once again, I was thinking with something other than my brain.
At dinner, Brad downed three glasses of wine (which might have answered one question), and spent the evening telling me how much he hated the Hamptons (“too pretentious”) and Fire Island (“too cliquey”), but loved all of the money he was making at his consulting job—which, yes, he hated. Fabulous friends filled the rest of his stories, and he was quick to mention he was meeting some of them later in the evening. He tuned out when I told him I was a writer and led a pretty simple life, and neither one of us could get the check fast enough.
On the way out, he informed me that I wasn’t boyfriend material—“sorry”—and that, as he stated previously, he had no interest in a hookup. Sex had to be special.
Not two weeks later, I attended an event I’d never experienced until I hit my fifties—a sex party. (Hey, I’ll try anyone once!). No sooner than I had made myself comfortably nude then another invitee showed up—and I think you know where this is headed.
I grabbed the host by his jockstrap and said, “Oh my god, I just had a terrible date with that guy. This is going to be so awkward.” Brad was introduced to the crowd and when it came to me, I said, “Hi. We’ve met.”
“No, I don’t think so. I would have remembered.” If I were wearing pearls, or anything else, I would have clutched them.
Brad, the non-hook-up, relationship-oriented guy, kept on his clothing and circled the crowd. He had that same bored look I remembered from the date until he worked his way back to me. Then I finally saw a smile. Without a word, he stripped down to his c ring and jumped all over me.
I may never understand The Beautiful Men and why they behave the way they do, but at least this last story came with a happy ending.
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Bromancer7
Welcome to my world David. I hope you enjoy your stay.
myrdraal2001
David sounds like a bitter asshole that constantly makes bad dating decisions and has a bad personality.
startenout
You sound like the bitter judging one, Queen lol
Chrisk
Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
adb
So, the lesson here is… shallow people do shallow things? Hey, maybe if you spent less time on Scruff and Grindr and more time in the real world doing real things, you might meet someone of substance. Your behavior and attitude sound pretty self-destructive.
1898
scruff and grindr are part of the real world. they’re not video games or some kind of alternate reality. people who view them that way are part of the problem…
startenout
And you sound just like the people he’s describing. No matter how you meet people whether online or irl, you don’t know what they really are until they show out.
masterwill7
@adb: The only one who’s shallow is you with your judgy behaviour.. Met my BF on Grindr, together for 6 years now. There are lots of great guys on these platforms.
JaredNorthcutt30
Asexual trans women represent!
Chrisk
Haha and here I thought this was an Asian guy that wrote this.
I like beautiful guys but those are stuck up Divas that I’d spot 10 miles away.
HereIAm
What does this story have anything to do with an Asian?
startenout
Wow both overconfident AND racially motivated for no reason. You. ARE one of the men detailed in this article lol
Chrisk
If either of you numb nuts would look above you would see the picture is of an Asian guy. I’m pretty sure the author is not Asian.
Juanjo
There is an old proverb from the Middle East that goes like this: Two men are traveling on a road between two cities but in opposite directions. They both stop to rest beneath some trees and start talking. The first man asks the second, “what are the people like in the city up ahead”? The second man responds, “what are they like in the city you just left”? The first man responds, ” they are petty, jealous, and unfriendly to all”. The second man tells the first man, “that is what you will find in the city up ahead”.
David is the first man.
HereIAm
The author hooked up with a drug addict and had a terrible experience with him, which is not surprising to me at all. He then went to a disgusting anonymous sex party and bumped into a hypocritical guy who pretended to look for meaningful relationships. This whole thing is so messed up and he can’t keep doing stuff like that. What about volunteering or going to a progressive church like the Episcopal Church and start to meet hight quality and decent gays?
1898
It’s not so much that these guys are beautiful and therefore beautiful guys are bad; it’s that these guys are mentally ill or substance addicts or both.
Guy #1 spent three hours with you, laughed his ass off with you, and kissed you in public, but then said he wasn’t into you. Sounds like he’s got multiple personalities.
Guy #2, the Instagram model, is an attention seeker, a liar (didn’t disclose his marital status and then told his husband a false story about you), and druggie. No surprise that you’d have a bad experience with someone like that.
Guy #3, the Nasty Pig model, is fickle, not honest about what he’s looking for, and doesn’t remember people (early onset dementia?).
So yeah, you wound up with three nutcakes who all happen to be aesthetically pleasing. Even crazy people can be cute.
crowebobby
Think how much more unpleasant it would have been if they’d all also been ugly.
startenout
Y’all seem to miss the part where he says he’s not talking about handsome men but Beautiful Men. Damaged men who try to frame everything in their lives to LOOK perfect and saintly while still honestly being trash. There’s a lot out there. Maybe he should have used quotation marks.
gymmuscleboy
One can understand the distinction between “beautiful” and “handsome” men that the article conjures. But is it fair? What if the article was about a racial minority and similarly made a distinction between “the good kind of race X” and “the bad kind of race X”? Is it not anti-social to post judgemental titles about an entire group and then explain it away in the article?
Creamsicle
When someone’s perfect on paper and social media it’s usually because they took the time to curate and control their lives, including the people in them. Stop taking the bait! People who treat their lives as dioramas for social media are sad and angry about it, or soon will be. There’s no room for love in a life that needs to stay picture perfect for every selfie opportunity.
gymmuscleboy
Perspectives that encourage us to judge each other on our beauty/race/sexual orientation/gender etc. are identity politics and insidiously destructive to society.
WSnyder
I meet a beautiful guy several years ago, tall, swimmer build, very polite. He was a masseur, very good with his hands and had no issue with being naked. I became infatuated with him. We even would go out on ‘dates’ [with me always picking up the tab]. However, while my brain realized I was being used, my heart and loins kept overriding what me head was telling me. He was never cruel, would say kind words when I put myself down or let my own insecurities out. But he was very good at manipulation. Soon he started asking for advances on our sessions, usually when his own finances got tight. Then we’d play tag for a few weeks to schedule a session [massage] that I already paid for. Excuses would follow, but finally we’d meet and usually the session was less than normal. Austin and I finally ‘did it’ after we negotiated payment and limits, but true to form, he was a master at minimalism. Sure, we’d kiss, but never passionate. We’d have sex but his topping skills would never last more then 5 mins. I’d give him oral but he never reciprocated. But he was gorgeous and well spoken and did seem to like my humor. We shared very little about our lives but for some reason my heart kept telling me there ‘was something there’. Yeah, his comfort with knowing I was like a reliable ATM that he could make the least amount of effort to get some cash. It finally ended just a few weeks ago when out of the blue he invited me on a short trip to a ski lodge in the mountains. He enticed me with an ‘Overnight’ which was our agreed situation of a night with little sleeping and lots of sex. However when we got there, while we shared a bed, there was no sex. He spent the next day boarding leaving me to wander around town. That nigh, again as the master of manipulation he would let me give him head and that was it. When we got home and sent him a minimal payment for just our regular massage rate and he was furious. What I figured out was he needed a ride to the lodge and I was a viable option. Plus he could make some money to offset his lift tickets and expenses. He thought he could get away with again a minimal effort [me giving oral as opposed to the full blown sexual night we agreed to] but I wasn’t having it. The first night I cried alone away from the bedroom because I realized I was just being used and my heart and loins being unfulfilled finally were overridden by my head which knew all along I was just a guy with money. We’ve not spoken and I’ve blocked him but I know he’s pissed because he was expecting a nice cash payout for those nights. My heart aches a little but there’s no going back to being used like I had been for years. I hope Austin reads this, not that it would make a difference. He took his best commodities, his youth, beauty and alluring personality and crushed me with them. I doubt I could ever trust a beautiful man again and that’s the real loss here.
HereIAm
You are a fool and have displayed no sign of self-reflection and self-examination. Do you have no shame in what you did to this young man? You treated him like a prostitute and then expect him to treat you like you were his lover. Until you learn how to treat people with respect, you will continue to be used as an ATM.
1898
Rule #1: never fall in love with a hooker
Vince
God damnit look what you did. You got me to agree with HereIam for once and I’m not happy about it one bit. 🙁
Trekbike
@HereIAm while I agree with what you said! You could’ve made your comment in a much more caring and nice way. No one listens to someone tearing them down and you did exactly that. Kind constructive criticism goes a lot further than hateful rhetoric. Why are gay men such bitchy queens all the time.
Notyourdaddy
Being old and paunchy, I know I’ll never attract the kind of men I admire on porn sites, but fortunately, I’m also attracted to old and/or paunchy men, too, and most of the ones I meet are interested in the same things I am: Does he have the right equipment? Is he willing for me to use that equipment in a way that gives me (and him) satisfaction? We’re good to go, and if he wants an encore performance, so much the better. If not, at least I had fun the first time.
Married men looking for a quickie are the best, as far as I’m concerned.
isa
I look back at pictures of me when I was in my teens in my twenties in my forties – i was good looking fit clever funny sexy – there was never any doubt in any gay bar or disco I ever wenbt into about it.. I just never thought about it – except that everyone wanted me except anyone I wanted.
I’m 75. I have had amazing sex with amazing men and amazing women – i was offered amazing amounts of money – taken on amazing trips first class 5 star hotels, cars were given me – i woken up in penthouses, in pent house suits, invited to scottish hunting lodges – have had multimillionaire roomates collected museum quality ceramics japanese ceramics as gifts
but i could have written this loser is a loser is a loser story just as easily as this author has… nobody gets the sex they deserve … nobody gets the sex they wanted … when you do get him … you will regret it … clap or whatever or a broken heart
being gorgeous is not any kind of immunization from life – and no gorgeous guy ever thought he was, cuz whoever they thought of as the gorgeous guy eludes – that’s the way it is
there are more than enough regrets – i never cheated on a loved one – i only ever cheated with someone else’s loved one once knowingly – trying to have sex with half a couple – sex on a spit so to speak has its pleasures – if they’re both totally dom and you’re totally BDSM – but that’s rare – nigh impossible – more likely cousins sharing a meal and you’re the main course – i once had an invite to be the party favor at a soccer player’s birthday after driving his older brother home one night hitchhiking – but the name address telephone number blew out my window on the way there. i was in my 30s running 10K a day 100K a week and only using my car for late night cruising in the 70s – I wanted to know what it would be like to be totally at the mercy of a whole soccer team mildly drunk – i was promised a copy of any movies made – was told, before internet existed – they would want to.
cool
i was once a birthday present to a senator in the 60s – 19 years old. his assistant liked my company at good restaurants – in my freshmen year at fordham university I earned some A grades doing extra home work. not quid quo pro: men with great good taste from whom I learbned about opera, music, acting, good literature and met famous people – at the Firehouse I really met famous people. In high school, in NYC i met famous TV people at night on walks
but still in matters of heart – it comes out the same, he tells you so politely you are not up to his standards – or she flirts but that’s it. Not that you expect to go to bed for buying a girl a good dinner so much as disappointment. I would have spebt as much or more for a friend to have them along. but jumping up at dangling bits of string along ultimately feels being used.
I never dangled it. It was yes, no, or get me too drunk to remember. don’t use pills tho. that’s tacky.
gymmuscleboy
Yes, isa. I agree it is all about perspective. So much of what young people read today is a “glass half full” perspective, encouraging the reader to feel sorry for the “victim” and demonise “privilege” in as many forms as you can imagine. As gay people, many of us feel obliged to side with the “victim”, not realising he is too often a straw man these days.
winemaker
Wow, this story sounds so typical of the gay comminity, it’s all about ‘beauty’ and looking hot, sad to say!. Living in San Francisco, a one time friendly city for gay men of all kinds, shapes, sizes etc. and not so much now,sad to say it seems the gay community’s never learned how to be decent to each other, treating each other like pieces of meat, often with the attitude: ‘screw you and your feelings’ , it’s all about me, myself and I. .These rude and arrogant guys have a big surprise ahead of them: the world doesn’t revolve around you.
nitejonboy
Amen Winemaker, this guy sounds about as shallow as the men he met. I have never considered myself part of the gay community because so many of them are shallow and cliquey and obsessed with youth and beauty. I’d rather stay single than put myself through all that.
GayVeteranUSAF
A christian, jew and asian enter a bar…
radiooutmike
This guy seems to be about my age. At least he get the models sometimes. Every time I get a younger, good-looking man who is also well-endowed; they’re looking for ca$h.
HereIAm
What a sad state of affairs you find yourself in. You have no one else but yourself to blame. You emit low-vibration energy which in turn attracts low life hustlers. You deserve each other if I am being honest here.
Elf92
I’m sure you have had your fun and you will continue to have your fun. Don’t let any negative comments discourage you from living. Demonic people in sheep’s clothing pretending to be sanctimonious are often the most disturbed and wicked.
Hussain-TheCanadian
Isnt “beauty” in the eye of the beholder? I notice alot of the guys my sisters on this website thirst after I dont find attractive, and im sure some of the guys I thirst after may not be everyone’s cup of tea – in the end, personality definitely wins over the initial “beauty” .
Also what the fck is up with all the cattiness above?