right v. left

Does Paul Reubens’ ‘Proof’ He Wasn’t Masturbating In Public Hold Up?

It’s been almost twenty years since Paul Reubens was arrested in an adult movie theater in Sarasota, Florida, for masturbating in public, where he pled no contest to avoid trial. And to this day, he maintains he did nothing wrong.

Johnny Cochran might’ve told a jury that “If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit,” but for Pee-wee, who’s headed to Broadway this fall, a more apropos line might be, “If it’s my nondominant hand, the charges are a sham.”

Reubens, you see, is right-handed, and the police report says he was using his left hand. So it had to be wrong, he tells Playboy.

“Had we gone to trial, we had ready an expert from the Masters and Johnson Institute who was going to testify that in 30 years of research on masturbation the institute had never found one person who masturbated with his or her nondominant hand. I’m right-handed, and the police report said I was jerking off with my left hand. That would have been the end of the case right there, proof it couldn’t have been me.”

I’m just going to put it out there: I know from first-hand experience that’s not true.