Love got you down? You’re not the only one. Finding Mr. Right can be a real challenge, especially in the wham-bam-thank-you-man age of dating apps. Lucky, self-help guru Max DuBowy is here to help.
“Most of us resort to dating apps like Grindr, Scruff, OkCupid or Manhunt, all with the hopes of connecting with our community or meeting the love of our life,” Max DuBowy says in his latest online post How To Meet Quality Gay Guys.
Related: Guys Reveal The Highs And (Mostly) Lows Of Online Dating
But apps, he explains, usually just attract guys looking to get their rocks off and “can leave you feeling rejected and lonely — especially when a hookup or encounter doesn’t turn into a meaningful friendship.”
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Bars and clubs can be equally difficult, he says, especially for those who aren’t into “the scene.”
“You don’t have to go to nightclubs or create a dating profile when you’re feeling lonely, bored or horny,” DuBowy says. “You don’t have to put yourself in environments that make you feel uncomfortable.”
In fact, doing so is not mentally “hygienic,” he says.
“Just like we need to stay hygienic with our physical bodies by brushing our teeth, taking showers and exercising, it’s equally as important to place ourselves in healthy environments that support our happiness and social well-being.”
Related: Why Are Good Men So Hard To Find? Disgruntled 30-Something Guy Wants To Know
OK, got it. But where exactly does one go to meet guys then?!
The key, DuBowy advises, is digging deep and figuring out what your values are.
“When you identify your values, then you can pick and choose communities that align with your values,” he explains. “There are plenty of activities that align with your values in your new city like hiking, yoga, video game clubs, book clubs, art studios, and seminars at local colleges and universities.”
From there, you’ll have a better chance of meeting possible suitors since you’ll be around people who share similar interests and values.
Then, DuBowy says, you need to talk to people. No seriously, talk. Don’t text. Don’t rely on social media. Talk. Introduce yourself, exchange phone numbers, follow up, and keep in touch.
Related: Six Pieces Of Life Advice For Our 20-Year-Old Selves A Decade Later
“It’s your responsibility to take the initiative to make new friends and form new social groups,” DuBowy says. “No one else is gonna do this for you, but now you have the exact steps to take to get a group of guy friends together, and you also know how to meet quality gay guys outside the gay scene.”
We’re not sure about you, but our minds are completely blown by this information.
Heywood Jablowme
“Most of us resort to dating apps like Grindr, Scruff, OkCupid or Manhunt…”
It’s hard to take him seriously when 3 of those 4 are definitely NOT “dating” apps!
workin35man
Most think they are going to find the love of their life in 10-20 people. Take a look at a business deal. It can take a good 100-200 contacts to close ONE substantial business deal. With that in mind over 7 years I went on 1-2 coffee dates with different people a month. Made some wonderful friends along the way but most of all learned what works and what doesn’t. Next I read books on what makes a successful relationship. (It isn’t about just being “nice” to each other. It is about day to day actively expressing appreciation for what your partner is doing RIGHT..instead of defaulting to what you think they are doing wrong) One thing that made an impact… there was a study out that interviewed long term couples..both straight and gay…to see if there was a running “secret” to their longevity. The ONLY thing they found…was that they ALL had waited until day 32 (OR beyond)AFTER meeting to have sex! The THEORY is that the human brain begins to build “bonding” synapses that bonds it to another human. When these foundation bonds are built on shared conversation..emotions..experiences…etc.. it is a deeper bond than hormonal connections through sex. When sex is added later on it is an enhancer to the foundation. 32 days isn’t very long to wait if you are truly into someone. With all this… at coffee date 122… 7 years in… I met my husband. 8 years later we are still happily married and building a wonderful life together. (Both in our early 50s now) He was a “say what he means do what he says” kind of guy…which helps. Follow through makes a difference! Thought I would share…as it was a journey..but well worth it.
ChrisK
@workin35man: The book sounds like a tool to use sex as a method to keep them and not much else. Good advice for the wife in the Victorian era keeping her virginity intact and thus valuable to men. Sex is something you either want with that person or you don’t and of coarse very easy then to hold off on.
AxelDC
1) Don’t go on “dating apps” that are really hook up apps. I used OKCupid to find dates. While it took me a few years to find my partner, I never met someone there I didn’t enjoy as a friend.
2) Take your time. Love doesn’t happen in an instant. Enjoy dating around. Get to know someone on a deeper level. Looks fade, money can come and go, but character is for life.
3) Don’t sleep with him on the first date. This is more of a heuristic than a fast rule, but physical intimacy rushes things before you establish a connection. The first date should be to determine if you want a second date. If something happens or you cannot resist, it’s not the end of the world, but it shouldn’t be a habit.
4) Every relationship ends until you find one that doesn’t. Just date him until you know he’s right or not. That may take hours, days, weeks, months, or if you are lucky, years.
AxelDC
@workin35man: If you can go on 3 or 4 dates with a guy and not have sex, you probably are not that attracted to him. I agree that you should take it slow, but taking it too slow and you might as well be having coffee with your sister.
Charlie in Charge
Who said you can’t find a boyfriend from a hookup app or site? Of course you can, you just have to show off more of your personality in your profile and your messages than “You looking?”
The advice about joining clubs and communities that reflect the things you enjoy is solid, it doesn’t mean you will find a boyfriend there but you’ll have a nice time connecting with others and be less lonely.
pharaon.em.joe
@workin35man: very nice story. I would like to add that waiting for 32 (or whatever number of) days to have sex is not going to make the connection stronger if there isn’t a strong connection to start with. I also like how you kept count of your dates until you met your husband..
pharaon.em.joe
@ChrisK: you can want sex from the first meeting. I think the point though is to wait until you establish a deeper connection. It will then make sex more meaningful and leave in you less void.
pharaon.em.joe
@Charlie in Charge: yes. I agree with your point. If what makes you happy is dancing in a club then it’s a potential environment to attract your future bf. A lot of people go to the clubs with the intention of finding someone and that’s when it doesn’t work. If you are genuinely going there to listen to your favorite DJ and sweat it off dancing, you might end up unexpectedly attracting someone.
Tobi
I always tell my boyfriends to turn the light off as they’re leaving. I mean, it’s not much to ask, all they have to do is close the car door, right? 😉
Thud Hardbutt
@AxelDC: Sage advice there buddy
Pistolo
Every bitch I see on Grindr and Scruff whines to me about how they don’t want dick pics, they want real love, they want “Mr. Right” & he better be a broseph. Like 90% of the guys I see are dweebs cruising for some Sandra Bullock experience. Internalized homophobia has helped the “promiscuous gays” stereotype to prevail but, really, there’s bazillions of Meg Ryans out there in the bodies of gay broseph men looking for other gay broseph men.
Eye of the Beholder
The gay community is continuously under attack. No one wants a gay man to find happiness. The latest affront was noted lesbian Alicia Keys slyly providing gay men with the logic needed to continue c-ckblocking our own efforts. “We have way too much in common” sound familiar? Don’t be surprised if you hear that said once you join the fitness group of your liking.
workin35man
@ChrisK: So waiting one a month makes you some sort of Victorian? Huh>?
workin35man
What is interesting…over the years we have asked a number of long term couples (both gay and straight) how long they waited to have sex… the vast majority had known each other over a month before sex. If you think that study is BS.. ask around… to your long term couple friends…gay and straight. See if this theory holds up.