Let’s face it, romantic relationships in the queer community take work.
It takes constant effort and ongoing communication to continuously meet your partner’s emotional and physical needs, re-negotiate things like monogamy, and figure out when and how often you’ll have sex. In addition, romantic dynamics can also create resentments, jealousies, and trigger insecurities in one another that have to be worked through.
On top of that, the intoxicating feelings you may have felt in the beginning phases of your courtship usually start to wane over time, and sexual compatibility can change. It can sometimes seem harrowing to think about how to keep the spark alive amidst the relentless barrage of bills, family drama, work, and existential dread we regularly contend with in our day-to-day lives.
Yet, even with the annoying things that come along with these types of partnerships, there’s a reason so many of us still seek them. If you’ve got that special someone, you’ll always have that “plus 1” for your friend’s housewarming party, someone to vent to when your boss drives you crazy at work, and a cuddle-buddy for the endless feed of Drag Race episodes on Friday nights.
So, what if you could have the perks of a romantic relationship, but without all the things that make them complicated?
More and more queer people are saying you can, with what they are calling a queerplatonic relationship, or “QPR” for short. In a QPR, you can take sexual or romantic intimacy off the table, while still partaking of anything or everything that a close relationship has to offer.
For example, if you enjoy living with someone, sharing intimate details of your life with a trusted source, traveling with the ideal companion, or even starting a family, you may be able to do so in a relationship that removes the pressures of what society says a healthy partnership is supposed to look like.
In 2010, an online thread called Kaz’s Scribblings introduced the idea of queerplatonic partnerships. The description spoke to those who wanted an aromantic relationship that doesn’t conform to the binary separation between romance and close companionship.
Sure, straight people could create this kind of non-sexual or non-romantic intimacy too, but as queer people, we’ve always bucked social norms, especially those rooted in heteronormativity, and resisted the pressures of falling into expected roles. Therefore, we are much more willing and able to adopt this kind of non-traditional dynamic, which is why QPR’s are much more common in our community.
To peak our curiosity, we asked some men in queerplatonic relationships to tell us what the dynamic is like for them. To our surprise, we learned QPR’s felt more fulfilling than any other romantic relationships experienced in the past.
Brian, a 32-year old man living in Los Angeles, tells us that he’s been in a QPR for about a year.
“I had a bunch of different boyfriends, and it usually got annoying and complicated,” he says. “They would always be jealous when I was talking to another guy or attracted to them, and it would trigger all these insecurities.”
“Eventually, my best friend and I, who is also gay, decided to move in together, and slowly we realized we were acting just like boyfriends, except we weren’t having sex…and we were both fine with that.”
When asked if he feels like this was “settling” in some way, Brian says it’s quite the opposite.
“There’s a certain feeling of stability and support that comes from our partnership. We enjoy sharing the financial responsibilities, feeling emotionally supported, and can share our hopes and dreams with one another. We love and respect each other, only it comes without the pressures of having to maintain a consistent sexual relationship. We even sleep in separate beds, which I LOVE.”
Another gay man, Stephen, 48, says his queerplatonic relationship started out romantically, but eventually it felt like there was pressure to kiss when they got home, or put sex on the calendar, even when they both weren’t feeling it. After a few months, they sat down to have “the talk” about whether or not they should break up, and both he and his partner decided they didn’t want to give up the emotional intimacy they had.
Stephen joked, “I’m not about to give up my back rubs when I get home after a stressful day! And Chris said he wasn’t going to learn how to cook at this point in his life. So why not just stay together?”
They mutually decided that everything in their relationship was working, and they didn’t need to throw it all away just because they were more platonic than romantic or sexual partners.
Stephen said that one of the best things about being in a queerplatonic relationship is that they get to make up their own rules, because there’s no outside influence or expectation deciding those for them. For example, we asked if you are allowed to kiss in a QPR relationship.
Stephen responded, “Yes, if that’s what you both want. But if you don’t want to, that’s fine too. The same goes for things like sleeping in the same bed, cuddling, and holding hands in public.”
John, a 33-year old who self-identifies as being in a QPR, says he’s always excited to see his partner, because there’s no pressure involved. “I feel like I’ve known my man forever, and can’t imagine living without him”, he says.
One surprising finding was that being in a QPR doesn’t necessarily mean there won’t ever be any sex or romance. Partners can have some of both, if they choose, because they make up all of the rules.
So, while platonic love has always been associated with a lack of sex or romance, the queerplatonic relationship contains a spectrum of physical affection, ultimately prioritizing the needs of the people involved.
Sounds…kind of great?
John also says everyone assumes he and his partner are a regular couple, and even assume they must have an open relationship, but he doesn’t feel the need to explain anything to them
“I feel most at home around Peter, and that’s all I care about. What other people think doesn’t matter,” he says.
As queer people, we’ve always been ahead of the curve in defining what works for us, and not taking on societal expectations. The queerplatonic relationship is no exception, as the main tenant seems to be doing what feels right for both parties involved.
Although it may not be for everyone, perhaps it’s comforting to know that some queer people out there may be spared from the age-old, “I have a headache” excuse, when their partner isn’t in the mood. Plus, isn’t a head massage sometimes just as fulfilling?
Related:
Is it a good idea to wait for someone who says they’re not ready for a relationship?
Was there a man you once waited for, and what happened?
bachy
Heteronormative much? QPR sounds like 70% of heterosexual marriages after the 10 year mark.
FreddieW
Sounds like any good relationship that lasts into middle and old age. If you throw in the expectation of monogamy, we call it marriage.
dbmcvey
Why are we coming up with a weird portmanteau for something that has existed since the beginning of time? Gen Zers need to realize they didn’t discover these things.
winemaker
Wow, so this is what they call it, good to finally know. I met a great guy at church a little over 2 years ago and we just started talking and it went on from there. Several months into this we were going out for a drink and he said he’s celibate. I was surprsed and asked him if he wanted to share this with me. He then said it’s his way of being faithful to God ( we’re both church going GAY Roman Catholics). I responded I’m in the same boat, have been around the block a few times and got tired of all the games gay men play with each other, the disrespect, lies and nonsense that seem endemic with gay life. Anyway, thanks for defining this as I was wondering what we have. BTW: He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, he’s good looking, smart, we have mutual interests, he’s goal oriented and we really like each other. He’s so unlike the flakes, fakes, liars and losers that I’ve dealt with that are too prevalent in the gay community. Man oh man, I’m so glad I started talking with Daniel.
FreddieW
I’m glad you’re happy in your relationship, but it’s a shame God won’t allow your boyfriend to have physical intimacy without sending him to hell. You know, he doesn’t put that on straight couples.
I left my religion behind to be with my partner. We also met at church, and we’ve been together 18 years. I still believed for a while in the beginning. I tried hard to make the gay Christian thing work, but I just couldn’t get things to add up satisfactorily. I’m agnostic now.
abfab
Ya know, WINEMAKER. You could have been a bit more gracious and said that ALL men play games. But you didn’t. You singled out Gay men. And how sad for you.
Let’s consider the source. You yourself sound like a handful. Don’t blame Gay men for your sour dispostion. It’s not their fault. It’s yours. It’s in all of your comments.
Kangol2
Good for you in meeting someone like yourself but are you really saying that at no point will you two share sexual intimacy of any kind? Really? So essentially you’re like super-close platonic friends or brothers, but there’s no possibility at all of being lovers…hmm. OK. If it works for you, I get it, but really, life’s too short, sex is too enjoyable, and you probably could benefit from talking to a psychologist about your issues, particularly your homophobia. No church should prevent you from having what is a profoundly human and natural thing, sexual intimacy. Illness may, but nothing else should.
abfab
Homophobia? Winemaker takes the cake!
monty clift
A homophobic troll complaining about a homophobic troll. Oh, my sides!
abfab
Monty. You are nothing more than an empty headed dick with nothing to offer. A typical GOPTROLL. Buzz off.
inbama
50 years ago couples were referred to as “Sisters.”
Fahd
I’d say this describes the majority of long term gay couples I’ve known. — heteros too, but I try not to be nosey. They love each other, but you know now with the wrinkles, etc. …. On the other hand, if you go into it not looking for a physical relationship, I’ve always called it making friends.
I want to play along as Jake breaks free from the “Ask Jake” shackles, but everything on tiktak is not golden.
rainbowwolfoz
I think I’m in a QPR after 8 years . Now we don’t share a bed and no sex ,
We support each other emotionally and physically but have our own houses and finances .
We really don’t have common interests though they are very different .it can be a bit isolating and I miss intimacy and sex .
Rikki Roze
Sounds like roommates who are good friends. I lived with a str8 guy for six years. We were not sexual but we developed a deep love for each other that, even though we are no longer living together, we both feel it will be a life long relationship. My friends used to say, “You and S. play house together really well.” And we did!
bachy
People participating in these kinds of relationships need to be clear about what needs should — and shouldn’t — be met by the “QPR.” If they’re meeting ALL your emotional needs, these “surrogate boyfriends” can ultimately get in the way of finding a real romance.
winemaker
To all those respondents especially abfab who bashed my comment, it’s too bad you feel this way. As to my experience having been out for many years, many gay men play games and are deceitful and this is my take on this as being a gay man and what I’ve experienced in all the years I’ve been out. Open realtionships work for some, not for others and I wasn’t bashing these realtionships. Straight guys very likely play the game too but I’ve no information as I don’t date straight men
abfab
No, you just date descietful Gay men that add to your repulshion of them. Again, how sad. It’s either bad luck or you just suck at finding good good Gay men. It sounds like you’re the one who plays the games. Don’t give up and don’t give up too much information about your situation. It sounds horrible.
FreddieW
winemaker,
Don’t worry about what abfab says. Just imagine if he were there to nag you every morning and call you names! Be grateful for your companion. I just think it’s a shame religion stands in the way of a more fulfilling life for both of you. But people have to decide about that for themselves.
abfab
I’d like to know who his other scapegoats are. Bigots ususlly have more than just one marginalized group of people that they find deceitful. Several can be inserted in the place of GAY and it would not surprise anyone.
Oh you Roman Catholics are terrific at dispising others.